A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I connected with a guy on a dating app and we hit it off. We seemed to be on the same wavelength, there seemed to be a lot of chemistry, a real attraction. We continuously messaged each other. We arranged to meet and counted down the days. The tension was palpable.Our first date last weekend we spent nine hours together talking and kissing and enjoying each other’s company. We even cancelled our plans the following day to be together.This week though he’s had a challenging week at work and the messages have been few and far between, the tone has changed from affectionate and wide ranging to short and to the point. He’s so wrapped up in work he doesn’t ask anything about me or my day.I really like this guy. Should I be concerned this early on and do I just leave him to it to see if he comes out the other side.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2018): When I wrote my narrative/lecture,call it what you may; I wasn't only speaking to you. I was speaking to readers in general. I try to prevent broken-hearts!
The outcome was predictable, but I encouraged you to let us know how things turned-out. Simply because the proof is in the pudding. I can talk until I'm blue in the face, and write opinions in massive volumes; but nothing speaks like your own experience.
Sorry, but I don't believe the coincidental-occurrence of you both being on WhatsApp simultaneously. You were stalking to see if he might be there. He was. Still ignoring you. Block him as a contact on WhatsApp. Don't tempt yourself!
This is where you block him on everything! Delete his number, block calls and messages. Expunge all the messages you've ever received from him.
Now move on.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 September 2018):
 I really doubt he’s online because ‘he knows’ you will be there checking his status. He will be online speaking to other people.
You need to realise that your behaviour is becoming slightly obsessive now. Checking whether he is online is too much, you need to accept this situation is over, he hasn’t contacted you in a week. Block him and move on, get over it.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 September 2018):
 just block him.
That way you can move on without feeling he is looking over your shoulder.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,
Just a follow up...
I’ve heard nothing at all in a week but every time I log into what’sapp (I generally am a creature of habit and always go on at the same time) he is there constantly online. It’s like he knows that I’ll be there and is waiting.
Is that weird? Am I reading too much into it? I’m not sure what the point is if so? Seems a bit odd of an incredibly intelligent middle aged man
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 September 2018):
No matter how busy someone is, if they want you in their life they will make time for you.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 September 2018):
 I'm jumping in late but I'll add my two cents. I've said it many times before here and I'll say it again...if a man likes you and wants to be with you then nothing and I mean nothing can stop him. Do you remember that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda realised the epic "he's just not that into you" phrase? How refreshingly true it was, rather than justifying and making excuses!
Well OP, as hard as it is to hear it, maybe this guy is just not that into you and you know what, it's his loss! Don't beat yourself about it. There are other fish in the sea. Move on and even if this guy were to come back, I think you should tread with caution
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 September 2018):
I would start looking to see what else is out there. Him cancelling last minute? Not good. I don't really care HOW busy he might be at work, he would have had a sense of whether he could make it or not - unless he is totally clueless about his work and workload.
And the thing is he could have cancelled on you because something/someone "better" came up. Don't like that idea either.
Also... someone who wants to vent about his job this soon? Nope. To me that is such a Debbie Downer attitude, he wants attention, to vent without really putting forth ANY effort.
This guy would seriously have to work at it for me to not totally say pass. Which is WHY I say, have a look see what else is out there.
While I, personally, would stick to one guy at a time even in the getting to know you/pre-dating process, I don't really see this guy making enough of an effort to make you a blip on his radar. And why sit and "wait" with you hands in the lap to see IF he decides you might be "worth" a second date?
If he is OH SO BUSY with work, he shouldn't be on a dating site supposedly looking for a partner... IMHO.
Next~
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2018): Sweetheart, comeback and let us know how things go in a couple of weeks. Don't feel bad about checking other profiles. Meanwhile, life goes on! He cancelled a date? To me a date-cancellation is equal to being stood-up! Maybe less dickish!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone so much for the time you’ve taken to give advice.
As the week has progressed messages have decreased and have all been about his work and how bad it is. To be honest I think he is telling the truth here but still...
We were meant to see each other this evening but he cancelled last night.
I sent him a message to say that I am here if he needs a good listener but I would not be messaging him (I’ve felt like an inconvenience) and he acknowledged that his behaviour has been very different because of work.
I have not messaged him since and don’t intend to.
I am of course disappointed as I really liked him a lot.
But the ball is in his court so let’s see what happens.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2018): I’ve done a lot of online dating (I’m married now). And there’s one thing I learned. First dates/the beginnings/getting to know stages/will we won’t we—all of it involves a LOT of speculation. And online dating, even more so. For example, here: maybe he likes you but he’s busy with work; maybe he realized he doesn’t like you and is trying to ghost you; maybe he went on a date with another girl and he’s keeping you in the wings to see if it’ll work out with this “better” girl (which happens a lot with online dating); or maybe he’s now with this other girl exclusively and he’s too cowardly to cut things off. So...What’s the point of speculating?With online dating (and I suppose dating in general) don’t bother with speculation. Make your standard the hard facts. If he wants to be with you and see you again, you will KNOW because he will make sure you know. You won’t be confused. A person will make the time and effort when they want to. So if you have to speculate, don’t wait around. Move on. Act only when he makes things into fact (example, he calls you for a second date, third date and so on; he tells you he likes you; he tells you he wants to be exclusive; he puts in the time and effort to call, text, communicate, drive out to see you, take you out on dates, etc etc). Always keep it simply limited to the facts you have and don’t accept anything less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2018): Warning: Online-dating may be hazardous to your heart!
2nd Warning: Too much texting keeps things impersonal; or can be annoying for some people.
These days, people go online looking for nothing more than quickie-romance; and to fill their lonely lives with some short-term companionship. Nobody likes a lonely Friday or Saturday night. Don't believe everything they say in their profile. Assume just the opposite. Everyone can't be lay-back or easygoing. Some guys are great conversationalists; but nothing else. He was a great date. Maybe he's a one-hit wonder!
People dibble and dabble, trying-out a different flavor of person/personality every other week. Some date two or three people, even more, at a time. Then pick a favorite. So don't believe everything they tell you on a date; about looking for something serious, or hoping to settle-down. It's standard conversation, nobody wants to look like a baby-man or a dick. They know just what to say, like in a job-interview.
Most online-dates are standard-issue. You hit it off, you're on the same wavelength, you have nice conversation; and maybe you make-out, and some go as far as to have sex. Then there is the promise of the next date; only for things to fizzle-out. Worse, you get stood-up!
If you're going to do online-line dating; prepare for sporadic-contact. One date is not a commitment or promise for the next.
Hitting it off on one date only means you had a nice date. Not that you've made a match. Nor does it always mean the guy didn't find you attractive. If he doesn't stay in-contact; maybe it does mean he's just a jerk.
Guys can tell when someone is needy or clingy; and he will keep his distance. Decent guys don't lead you on. They'll tell you if he doesn't think it's working. Usually by the next day. He will call, not by text. He may even say so the same night.
Even if you had a good-time on a date, you still may not want another date. Maybe because you didn't sense any chemistry; or you picked up the wrong kind of vibe. Not a bad one, just one you can't sync with.
Players test to see if you'll freakout if he doesn't quickly respond to your messages. He'll let days go-by in silence. Then he'll have the standard excuse. "It's been a hectic week at work!" In most cases, he was just hanging out with his friends after work, went to the gym; and scrolled through a few other profiles.
You don't get pissed, and you don't question his excuse. You write him off!
You can forgive him and go on another date. Have some fun; but no sex. Don't allow him to spend a lot of money. Better yet, split the check. Let him pay at his insistence. Give him a peck on the cheek good-night, say you had a great time. If you didn't get the same vibe as the first-date; just block his calls, and block him from access to your online profile. Consistency is proof if he really likes you.
If the guy doesn't treat you right on the onset, just write him off. You deserve and must demand respect. No games.
There's too much texting and social media involvement in dating these days, and that's how so many women get dumped after a few dates. They read too much into a date; then they try to read a guy's mind based on his phone-activity. By timing his response-time to her messages. When the real proof is that he can't stop thinking about you; and keeps asking to see you.
It's determined by his behavior with and around you; not what he does with his device. I mean the digital one!
No matter how hi-tech life gets, human-nature remains the same. You don't have to chase somebody who really likes you.
Playing hard-to-get worked back in the 50's; so it's best not to play games that make you look like a nutcase.
If a guy really likes you, he'll want to see you, and spend time with you. Not just boink you, or hit you up for booty calls. You never run out of things to talk-about, and there's more than just sexual-tension between you. There's good-energy and a real vibe. A lot of smiling!
He can text you around the clock and not feel a thing for you. Just priming you up with a saturation of messages, emojis, and social-media contact. Until he gets sex. After-which it all ceases!
If he doesn't keep asking to see you, and take you out; he's not that into you. You're not "dating" after one date. You dated. Period! Past-tense! Forget about him until you hear from him again. Don't daydream, envision wedding dresses, or overthink after a good date. That's all it was, a good date!
If a guy has to be reminded with text messages that you're alive, he's not that into you. Texting regularly, means nothing. Only that he likes to text, and loves his phone.
Judge him by his actions. Keep feelings in-check. He's a raindrop in an ocean of men. Found him, you can find others. Be gracious, fun, level-headed, self-confident, and wary of players. Shrug this guy off. On to the next.
With any guy, go easy with texting. I waste my time telling women that. I know at least one out of 10 might listen to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2018): Leave texting him and see what happens. If he gets in touch then you'll know you weren't a one date wonder and if he doesn't, then you'll know where you stand there too.
Just make sure that if you do plan to meet, that he treats you with respect and doesn't expect you go to his place and end up in bed.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 August 2018):
While you HAD a lovely first date, you are still strangers (regardless of how "in-tune" you feel) so him being more focused on work KNOWING it's a busy one, I don't find his behavior that odd.
Now if he tries to set up some "late night meet up" (AKA booty call nights) then I would just wish him well and move on. What I mean with that is him calling Friday after noon suggesting you hang out Friday night at his or your place... THAT is a booty call.
I would just go with the flow, and be doing what you normally do, make plans with friend, see family, have a night to yourself if you need a chill night. And I would NOT cancel stuff for any last minute "get together/date" with him.
I would tell him maybe next week, check your calendar and let me know what works for you and we can make plans.
I would also SAVE "home dates" for later. Like I said, you two might well click and all, but you ARE still strangers and jumping into to things thinking it will lead to a relationship... it's too soon. So.. no sex yet either.
In a way I think it's actually a good thing. Because you get a glimpse of WHO he is and how he deals with something like stress.
For now though, you are NOT a HUGE priority, it was JUST one date and a lot of texting... So relax. I'd give him a week or two and see where things go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2018): Hi! You are definitely a sweetheart for giving this guy another try even if the messages have been short like that. Men often get busy and act really douchey most of the time! They don’t notice they do this (which is ridiculous because they do it so often) I’m telling you this now. If he is doing this now ESPECIALLY after getting the chance to meet such an amazing girl, you shouldn’t waste your time on him. Another reason for his short text messages is that you’re both extremely busy! You should maybe try asking him! It’s really frustrating how you really like a guy and they end up pulling stuff like this! If he really cared about you he would’ve constantly stayed the same with the messaging and wouldn’t change like that. I say you either stop messaging him or confront him! It’s up to you really! Just know your worth and don’t try to sound like you want him so much! It has to be 50/50 to work out! Good luck!! Really wish you the best! Keep your head up, there’s plenty of good guys around who don’t make you question whether they want to be with you or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2018): Leave him be and let him come to you if he wants to see you again. You may come across as being too keen, men like the chase and to feel they have to work to get the woman they want.
Keep it friendly if he contacts you but he may be sensing you are too keen too early and that may be off putting
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