A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was asked to move out of my family home, even though my Mum knew I couldn't afford it. I was fresh out of university and building up my career, but was at the very bottom of the ladder and very badly paid. Plus I have very large debts from university, in excess of £10,000.So my boyfriend brought up the idea of us living together, which we are, and very happily.But I've always been very independant, and I find it hard with our current arrangement. My boyfriend pays 90% of the bills, because I simply cannot afford to. I pay what I can afford after paying off montly debt payments, petrol money etc. I very rarely have any spending money.Both my boyfriend and I work full time. I do pretty much all the laundry and cooking and cleaning, because he pays all the bills and I feel that's my contribution. He's on almost double a month what I make. He never makes me feel bad, and is totally supporting. My problems are stemming from myself and my own issues.I just feel really insecure alot of the time, probably stemming from the fact my Mum asked me to move out. I feel I could be with my boyfriend forever, we have a really good relationship. But I worry that you never know what's going to happen. Feelings can change, my parents divorced after 25 years, it scares me and makes me feel insecure in how secure a realtionship or situation is.I feel lost in the debt as well. I'm sick of not having any spending money. I'm sick of feeling like I;m struggling, I feel behind my peers, yes I have a degree, but my peers are buying houses, getting married, driving great cars, having babies, having great jobs because they're 4 years ahead of me because of my degree.I'm scared if we have an arguement my boyfriend will ask me to leave. Both our names are on the contracts but because he pays all the bills I'm sure he's entitled to ask me to leave if we were to break up. Not that I think that will happen, but as I said above, I worry that feelings can change, like in my parents marriage.
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (19 December 2007):
 Hi - I have read through your post twice. It's all very normal. Nothing to be over concerned about at all. You are behaving very sensibly by looking around to where your vulnerabilities are. Well done, responsible girl.
I'll make a few observations. The chances of two people earning exactly the same are slim, so this problem always occurs. One will earn more, one will earn less. (men have far more problems with this when it's the other way round). In years to come the situation might change; you earn more and he earns less.
Don't worry about your student loan. I'm sure you know how it works. If you have other debts, especially credit cards, clear those first. If you can't pay them off yet get a bank loan to pay off credit cards. A lot of your money may be going on a car/motoring costs. Revisit how you coul cut costs and save the planet. Car sharing for example, public transport.
Relationships can be fragile, you are right. Luckily for you , you have a degree behind you now. Some of your peer group living a more affluent lifestyle will run into problems when some of them are affected by relationship breakdown. So you can't make direct comparisons like you are making.
You have also correctly observed this is stemming from your own worries and almost certainly from the situation with your parents. That is completely understandable, and completely normal. But it is just a 'concern' not a reality. Something to be aware of, which you are.
Good luck
Richard
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Although I am a 28yr old male reader, I am in an exact situation as you. The woman I live with earns three times I am earning. I live in her townhouse. I pay for utilities and groceries and that's it.
Ofcourse I fear that there will come a time when my partner will say "I've had it. I want someone who earns more money, who can be the bredwinner of the household, etc, etc". I can't be that. It's unfair to even compare me next to an arbitrary example. And when that does happen, I will leave because someone out there deserves the love I provide.
Don't ever compare yourself, not even accidentally, to your friends or anyone in terms of accomplishments. We all have different tribulations we face in life. Give credit that, after all of those trials, you are still here typing this message! Be happy with what you have and stand up for it.
What Peoriaman said is correct as well. However, always have a contingency plan. Don't let him run your life because you are financially dependent on him. You have made it through in life so far. Just keep on chugging. Nothing is for sure in this life time and that's what makes this fun.
Bills are just bills. Once they are taken care of, you will be in a better place. So make this worth while by fighting bills wisely. If he doesn't stick by you, you deserve someone better. Yes he helped you financially, but you don't owe anyone anthing in life!!!
Good luck and keep in touch
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 December 2007):
 You're a very smart woman with very good instincts. You have been quick to see that, should something go wrong, it could go VERY wrong. I commend you on your foresight and your wish for independence.
That said, I would also like you to notice that the possibility of something happening doesn't mean it IS going to happen. I think your boyfriend is being very much supportive. The man loves you and it certainly shows. He is there now that you need him. While you certainly need to be ready for the worst, at this moment you should count your blessings, which are many.
I guess you never thought your mother would ask you to leave knowing you couldn't afford it, and this has affected your trust in everyone. But, at least at the moment, I don't see a reason for you to have second thoughts about your boyfriend.
I have also been at the very bottom of the ladder and understand how you feel. Those times when you need to keep every precious penny because, who knows, you might not have enough money to pay for a bus ride. It takes time to achieve your professional goals, which you seem to have carefully considered, and it seems you have a course drafted. Just keep going. You are doing fine. Also, you are very young. You have a lot of time ahead of you. Just take things one day at a time.
Take care, be patient, and enjoy the love you have. I can easily see bright sunshine at the end of your tunnel.
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