A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I need some advise. Is there any point in continuing a 4+ year relationship when I just can't seem to look at him the same way anymore? I look at him and feel nothing on most days now, on some- a little disappointment. It's been a few months since I thought of him and laughed or smiled or felt excited. Our relationship has had it all- happy times, an abortion, broken promises. My gut tells me not to trust him- as a friend, maybe but not as a boyfriend. We agreed to start over a couple of weeks ago. But I can't seem to let go of this sadness I feel. Is there any hope for us? Or is it better to part ways?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think going for counseling with him is an option. He never speaks about the abortion and never responds if I try to initiate the topic. March is also when I found out I was pregnant and its 2 weeks from when we got the abortion.
He is not the easiest man to speak to- his way of dealing with things is not talking about it. Even the start over we did two weeks ago is on the condition that none of the old stuff is ever discussed or brought up. If I can't trust him because of the things he has done/ said/ not followed through on, he makes me feel like I am at fault.
The only kind of conversation I can have with him these days is all impersonal and superficial.
I don't think I can continue like this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, WiseOwlE- you're right about it all.
Thank you all for your insights.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2016): I still think there is buried anger and some guilt hidden deep inside. Even if you wanted the abortion too, it's no easy decision. You weren't ready for motherhood; but you're evading some issues. You may need to talk to a professional and come to terms with your relationship and other things. It's easy to project or simplify things in order to bury or
suppress them. Especially where life-decisions are concerned.
If it was all so simple, all you'd have to do is breakup, move-out, and move on. What I write sometimes has to be digested. Then the "OH" factor hits. Happens all the time.
You wrote your post for a reason. It's a bit more complicated than "the thrill is gone." People don't search out advice sites and expose their troubles; unless something deep inside is troubling them. Even if it may not seem that serious to those looking from the outside in.
My best to you.
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female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (6 March 2016):
 Did he support you through this abortion? It's a big deal and effects a lot of women badly, even though there is no shame in doing it and you made the choice for solid reasons it still gets to you.I have the impression that these broken promises weren't truly resolved. You sound like you have just given up now and not bothered to try and sort out the negative feelings.I am in a relationship where the most devastating things happened to the both of us. I don't know why we've had such bad luck since we got together but anything bad that could happen did happen. We did horrible things to each other because our lives were a bit of a mess and took it out on one another. But we sat down and talked about it, explained why things happened and promised to be kind and loving to each other and learn from mistakes. To carry on with a bit of a damaged relationship you both have to make the effort to make it work. Forget about the past and move on.I can't say that it will last forever but at least we are trying! When you stop trying or caring it's probably best to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, WiseOwlE and olderthandirt.
Our abortion was back in 2012 and something I wanted too. Back then, I was neither ready for marriage, nor to raise a child on my own. I never had any doubts about it. Yes, things are different than I thought they would be. I too have considered speaking with a counsellor.
I care very deeply for him, but I just don't 'see' the man I used to now. Some nights I look at him and only see a stranger. It sounds so melodramatic and I don't know if I am even making sense. Recent events have possibly played a part and maybe I am just ready to give up now.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 March 2016):
 There is always "hope" Something must have happened to cause this development. Not to be nosey but did you get flattered recently and suddenly feel your buzzer go off in a self destructive manner? Did he flirt or flatter someone in your presence and make you feel bad? It just sounds like an event caused your "subconscious to get all in alarm mode My advice would be to look back over the recent past to see if anything may have taken away your sense of contentment. If not then give it a week or two then have an up close and personal talk with your guy to see if he's ready to throw in the towel too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2016): There are two words that registered with me. "Abortion" and "sadness."
If you have not come to terms with your abortion, and if it was an action you were coerced into taking; you may feel suppressed resentment for him. I would recommend getting a full physical-examination with your doctor to be certain you are not suffering depression; or any other physical malady that may be prolonging your lethargy.
If you already have, continue whatever medical regiment s/he has prescribed for you; which also includes taking your medication and attending your sessions, if you receive therapy. You may feel it isn't working and just stop going, but it takes time. I have to cover all bases here.
You must seek counseling if you are not receiving it now. I wouldn't breakup with him quite yet. I think you both need to go into counseling together; because you need closure first. My heart truly goes out to you; because your sadness must be quite profound. The disappointment must be quite disheartening.
As for broken promises; that may be attributed to a chain of events that may have forced things to take a different course. We all tend to have high expectations and set our dreams for the future based heavily on those expectations. We will feel crushed when those dreams don't come true as planned. My guess is that he promised you marriage and a family, and it never materialized. He told you whatever you wanted to hear, again and again. You tried to believe him, but it never happened as promised.
I suspect that the biggest disappointment to you is all the time you feel you've wasted. I also noted your emphasis on the length of time it took to come to this point. Time-reference is often a big clue I go by; because people tend to give up hope when time has been lost or sacrificed.
So few words, yet they carry such powerful impact.
My dear, there is still time and you will fulfill your dreams and your destiny. Perhaps he was never really the one, as destiny would have it. I do think you should first get a medical doctor's opinion regarding your overall health; then see a licensed mental-health professional or counselor, to deal with the grief most possibly stemming from the abortion. Compounded with your disappointment with the lack of progression in your relationship, to the level you wanted it to be by now.
Sweetheart, please take care of yourself. I truly do believe he should be a part of your counseling for a while in order that you can break free of the anger and resentment you will continue to suppress. You don't have to reconcile with this man; but you do have a reckoning with all your feelings and emotions in order to move forward and to heal.
I extend my prayers and blessings to you. It's sad now, but you will find the happiness you've always wanted. Be strong and fight for it. Don't give-in to the hopelessness. That part of your thoughts is lying to you. The future isn't here yet. So you hold on to hope; because sometimes other events have to happen first, before we are totally prepared for future blessings and fulfillment of our dreams. Don't let your age or any other factor deceive you into believing this is the end of your story. It's just the end of a chapter, my dear.
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