A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Where do I begin? Basically I am a flirty person by nature, and I never really had a problem with that, I have my fun, mess around, and never really have anything that lasts. However, just over a year ago now I met a girl who I really fell for. We started dating, and have been together since. I have been accused of cheating by a girl that I had a fling with well before my girlfriend, and that made her super critical of any girl that I talk to now, meaning that the trust isn't always there. I know that I flirt with some girls, like I said, it's part of my nature. Recently a friend and I got into an argument about whether or not flirting is cheating. My friend says that any differed attention is cheating, meaning yes, and I argued that it is all about the intentions. I never have the intention of doing anything, it's simply a form of communication, or something that I use when I'm trying to get something. So, is flirting cheating? or how do you guys define it? Secondly, I have a friend who I haven't talked to in years. I recently saw her at a sporting event, and we have been catching up for the last week or so. We will be going to the same college come fall, and I already know that my girlfriend and I will be breaking up (we do not want to do long distance). So does this qualify as cheating as well? We do flirt, and we talk about being able to hook up in college, but neither of us say that anything is going to happen now, simply that there is an attraction, and that in college, we will be willing to act on this attraction. Your opinions will be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2016):
 Have not read the replies yet... but I will.
I am a former swinger. And an outrageous flirt. I once asked my now husband (we are not swingers but I was a swinger when I met him..he was not) if it bothered him that I flirt so much.
He laughed and said "i could never ask you to stop flirting, you flirt like you Breathe and I could never ask you to stop flirting"
That being said CHEATING is defined in our relationship as "ANYTHING you can't won't or DON'T tell your partner"
note that it is NOT limited to sexual things or flirting or just members of the opposite sex....
Also I think INTENT goes a long long way... my INTENT when flirting is to pass the time, have some fun, and make everyone feel good.... it is NOT to cheat on my partner or give anyone hope that they have a shot with me.
The RED HOT second I figure out that someone who doesn't know me is thinking they have a shot with me (even though I clearly wear a large engagement ring and wedding band set) I mention "oh yes my hubby said [insert topic of conversation] about that just this morning before we got up"
In other words, I do not lead anyone on thinking they have a shot at anything other than a quick flirtation.....
My marriage is not perfect...we are struggling with a lot of things including my poor husbands total lack of sex drive due to long term illness...still does not mean I"m flirting looking for anything other than a quick smile and a good feeling as I step away....
Is flirting cheating... ONLY if you don't tell your partner about it or the flirtation about your partner.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): My opinion is that flirting in itself is not cheating, but is a step toward cheating. People who flirt heavily and often are likely looking to cheat. They are putting themselves out there as available when they are not.
I also believe it to be very disrespectful to the other person in the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2016):
 I think what I consider flirting and what YOU consider flirting are vastly different.
I don't consider talk about sex and hooking up for flirting. NOT one bit. Because there IS intend to follow it up.
I agree with LJCX, I think YOU don't really KNOW what true flirting is.
" The dictionary defines flirting as behaving in a way that shows a sexual attraction for someone but is not meant to be taken seriously. That definition may be accurate for innocent flirting, but we all know that some people have bigger intentions. Many people flirt to explore the potential for a romantic or sexual relationship. And when that happens outside of a committed relationship, the line between innocent fun and intentional infidelity is blurred."
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So yes, from what you write I think you have crossed the line with the "friend" - seems more like you are lining her up for your next partner. Because you know you and your GF will be breaking up.
Consider this. Would you be OK with YOUR GF to say these things to other men? Would you SAY these things to another woman in front of your GF? Would you be OK if SHE said similar things to men in front of you?
I think you attitude is immature. And I think it's in the line of... What the GF doesn't know won't hurt her.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 March 2016):
 If what you wrote came from my GF, I'd drop her instantly. I don't need a person who will, at every instance, feed insecurity, potentiate infidelity, claim flirting is not be cheating but uses the flirting in order to postpone sexual infidelities in the future, such as college; use flirting as a mechanism to establish potential future hookups and aimless sex that will eventually destroy today's relationship. So why bother postponing my misery for days when I get to college. Instead I would drop her now so she could go about her happy hookups.
Now, you reverse the roles here, and figure out the morality and righteousness of what you describe.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2016): This argument could go on forever on whether flirting is cheating or not but to me, it boils down to the individual and the partner.To me, flirting has the potential to lead the other person on, even if you do not mean anything by it and could potentially open to a lot of drama if the girl feels that it's unrequited love/crush. I wouldn't date a flirtatious guy myself. My ex was like that, and it did not feel nice seeing him spend that kind of attention and effort on another girl who was not me. It wasn't necessarily cheating, but I did not feel like a priority. I'm not saying it's not ok to have female friends. It is ok to have friends of the opposite gender but personally, I like to draw some boundaries when in a relationship, one of which includes no flirting (these are actions you can easily google and find out yourself, like touching someone else's waist whilst in a conversation etc)If you're already talking about hooking up with a friend whilst being in a relationship, I count it as wanting to cheat/emotional cheating. Either way, it is disrespectful to your girlfriend. These conversations can be reserved for after you breakup. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2016): Well. As A grown woman I can tell you that any woman or man in a relationship will accept flirt period. When you are with a person and it is suppose to be a relationship, you have the choice to respect that and be respectful or just flirt and talk and so and so and so. Is your choice. So watch your actions. I actually have an argument with my bf due his flirting behavior and let me tell you it is a heartbreaker period.
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A
female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (6 March 2016):
 Ok maybe it is in your nature, but other bad personality traits can be in peoples nature. Think of some bad things that would turn you off a woman, laziness, selfishness, being a bit of a b*tch. We all have bad aspects of ourselves that we need to control. Some people have addictive personalities and like to drink, smoke, take drugs etc. But to get by in life and build successful relationships with others you have to try your hardest to not do things that really irritate others. Seriously I'm not saying being a flirt is as bad as taking drugs, but it's simply a way of demonstrating that people have bad things in their nature they sometimes can't help but must try hard to not do.Switch it around and think would you be ok with an outrageous flirt for a girlfriend? It's doubtful! Just think how you would like to be treated.For a start most people who are considered flirts would deny that they are flirting and would rather be labelled as outgoing or gregarious characters. But you seem to like being this way and don't see it as wrong. The overwhelming thing I notice in your question is that your girlfriend thinks you cheated, not that she is upset with you being a flirt, in fact I can't see in your post that she is mad about you being a flirt, thinking you may have cheated is not the same as her thinking you are a flirt. You are more concerned that your friend is trying to put you down by picking apart an aspect of your personality, being a flirt.No, flirting is not cheating, cheating is having two relationships at the same time. But I don't think you have found that special somebody yet that you have fallen in love with. Although you know that you will break up rather than go long distance I would have thought that you would be a little upset by it, not thinking about who's the next girl in your life. You haven't split up yet and you are lining up another hook up as soon as she is gone.Hey you are young and there's nothing wrong with moving on quickly if there are no strong feelings with your girlfriend. But I believe when you find a girlfriend you love and adore you will lose interest in flirting all together. When you are with a person you love it's weird you just don't care about flirting and getting other peoples attention. Well in my opinion anyway!Look up the definition of flirting, it has sexual connotations, but it also means that deep down you would never want to act on that. You are flirting with a girl who you are seriously considering having a sexual relationship with in the future. So no you aren't flirting with her you are trying to pave your way to bedding her.Whether you like it or not being a terrible flirt while in a relationship is frowned upon by just about everybody. There are exceptions of course but the majority of people wouldn't like it. You could carry on being like it if you are adamant it's ok but I doubt you'd get very far and you will be in for a lot of grief from future partners. What's the point in causing drama for yourself. You can be funny, sweet and a great conversationalist without having to be overly flirty. It's not just women who don't appreciate flirty boyfriends, men can get pretty angry with a flirty girlfriend or even get angry with you if you flirt with their other half. What's the point in enjoying being somebody that could possibly get you in trouble. Even friends are trying to tell you it's not a good idea and they aren't your partner. Do you flirt with their girls too?It's not even like I have any past boyfriends who were bad flirts but men have attempted to flirt with me in front of ex boyfriends and it didn't go down well.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 March 2016):
 Before anything I would say I would not risk my heart with you. If your past relationships never went anywhere, your flirting was the problem and no girl would allow it to get to the point of cheating. Now I get to the technicals. For me, cheating is kissing on the lips, sexting, groping, oral sex, actual sex, same sex sex with a person that's not your girlfriend. If you are in an open relationship, you go have sex with someone else without telling your partner.
Does your friend know you have a girlfriend? If you omitted that fact you have been cheating.
Did you tell your friend you have a girlfriend, but when you break up, then you would have sex. That's not cheating. It just makes you look like a player.
If your friend knew you have a girlfriend but did not specify whether you are going to have sex before or after your break up, I will still call that cheating. You did more than just flirting here. You did have the intention to cheat. Even if you are in a short term contract with a girlfriend, it's agreed that you would not entertain the thought of another girl until your relationship has been terminated.
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