A
female
age
30-35,
*uperNova90
writes:I don’t even know the lad, never spoken to him. The only time we ever came into the vicinity of one another it was at a party my boyfriend invited me to. Apparently he keeps talking about me to my boyfriend in a vulgar/crude (sexual) way, which to me sounds like mocking me and my boyfriend. He’s one of those gym rats, with tiny muscles but who wears tight shirts, a lad- that type. Before this happened, my boyfriend went out with him, and apparently, drunk, GR said to him ‘I could take your girlfriend off you easily’ - which I think is because he thinks I’m probably gonna fall at his feet because ugly girls are 'easy' and he must be gorgeous? (He isn’t). Then the next day, my boyfriend’s other friend said he was talking to GR (who was trying to pull an 'ugly' girl in the club) when they mocked him about it GR blurted out, ‘I’d rather pull her than someone like ***’s girlfriend’ [me]. My boyfriend told me this and I just felt horrible - first I thought why tell me? Second, what have I done to him?I’ve been called from ugly to beautiful before, so I immediately started thinking these people who call me pretty are just installing me with confidence through pity. Most people would recover easily and dismiss it as stupid, but ever since I’ve felt like shit, especially when you’ve struggled with self hatred as I have, even when you lose 3 stone to help it and train yourself out of it, and then you start to blame being ugly for all the things that have gone wrong in your life and remember every time someone has called you ugly! I even went and looked at all the photos of me and thought 'it's true' lolNow I go out of the house with my head down and refrain from looking in the mirror, once again. But I'm not self-pitying I’m just quite sensitive lol My boyfriend said he doesn’t really like him anymore and says he probably will distance himself from him and tried to comfort me in that- this guy likes leggy blondes and cant get a girlfriend etc. I'm not fat, but I don't dress 'sexy' nor do I come across as confident- but does it matter, there are many people who are still pretty. I mean I could attach photos of myself but I don’t want to be told I’m pretty just because I feel bad about myself and wouldn’t do it just to obtain compliments.To me the damage has been done- so how do you start to recover your self esteem after something said like that?
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female
reader, SuperNova90 +, writes (8 March 2016):
SuperNova90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, thank you for your kind words and advice! I agree and I'd add that when people feel good about themselves, they immediately become more attractive. I think demeanor and attitude before looks, and find GR in this sense must be hideous! I don't quite understand why he said it, but I suppose it's easier to put someone down when they already don't feel good about themselves. In those times when I feel confident, I get complimented more, because we probably have a better attitude and demeanor when we feel good. To LJCX, No I didn't hear him saying it but they work together, and in terms of putting me off him, my boyfriend has been asking me if GR has speaking to me or tried to communicate with me so maybe you're onto something. I don't know. Well it randomly came up about concerning him not having a girlfriend when my BF was talking about him to me, saying that he's a lad and has poor relationships and calls his girlfriends ugly but still sleeps with them... !! To Honeypie, my boyfriend used to voice insecurity about him not feeling good enough for me in the relationship which I dismissed and didn't really take in because I don't believe it, but it would be a shame that he'd tell me this just to put me down. He also compliments me so maybe he's just telling me and not thinking about it...and you're right, I shouldn't and don't really care about this guy, but I guess it's just the random shot in the dark from this stranger for no reason. Eddie85 I think I probably did feel insecure that my boyfriend's view of me might change. I feel a bit better about it now but it's very easy to let the negative in and let it stay. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have been told I have unconventional looks that probably put some off, but I suppose my bf likes me so I shouldn't really care. I think I'm starting to see that GR may be some sort of person who has a false sense of entitlement and issues with himself! My boyfriend told me some sordid things about this guy so maybe I'd rather him call me ugly and stay away from me! haha
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (6 March 2016):
 The only person that can let someone else damage your self-esteem is you.
Let's face it, we all are ugly or beautiful to someone. I know some celebrities that guys would give their right arm to date who I wouldn't give the time of day to. It is all a matter of taste. In short, we all can't be beautiful or attractive to everyone.
Your boyfriend's friend was boorish and his comments appear to be in poor taste. Also his words were mean-spirited and not terribly kind. Why are you giving this cretin any credibility? Perhaps you are afraid that it will affect your boyfriend's view of you?
In time, this will get easier to deal with. Caustic words eventually lose their edge and life will go on. The fact that your boyfriend has distanced himself from the naysayer seems to prove that his "friend's" comments had little effect on him as well.
Don't let people put you down -- especially the ones with poor taste, lousy manners and crappy etiquette.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2016):
 I think your BF was an ASSHAT for "passing" on the information. What kind of BF would want his GF to feel bad about herself? Maybe because he was scared that his friend was right, that this douche-canoe could "pull" you. So by telling YOU - he "ruined" any chance that you would be interested, but HE (your BF) also hurt your feeling. Which means your BF was thinking of himself before you.
As for his "friend" I think he was lashing out at you and your looks because he is envious that his friend (your BF) has a decent GF. It's not about your looks per se, but that was the ONLY thing his tiny little mind could come up with to criticize you with.
He can't find a GF. Not an "ugly" one nor a pretty one because his personality is that of a dog-turd.
Ignore the "dude" and ignore the "ugly" tag. If you were "really" all that ugly, he wouldn't have picked YOUR to be the girl he bragged that he could "pull". HE really is the insecure one.
Don't let this ONE STUPID dude make you feel bad or less than you are. HE is not worth it. Instead, BE who you are, let yourself and your personality SHINE!.
And know in your heart that a guy like could NEVER measure up to you. He would even reach your ankles!
And I'd tell your BF you don't care to be around or hear about this "friend" of his no more. If he DOES keep bringing him up, hanging out with him and repeating his comments... consider that your BF might like the idea of you feeling low about yourself. Which is not a good trait.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2016): To me you sound like a down to earth, sweet, honest girl and honestly I'm not saying this out of pity cause I'm not the type to compliment. I truly believe that whether a person is beautiful or not has a lot to do with how they view themselves rather than how the world views them. For example, and I'm dead serious, when I wake up most mornings I cant help but look in the mirror and say "good god your handsome" and spend about five minutes ogling myself. I honestly wonder sometimes how women can keep their hands off me. But the funny part is when I hangout with my lads they say I'm one of the ugliest people they know but in my opinion their just jealous. Lets say I really am "ugly". It doesn't phase me since I already feel great about myself and how I look.In contrast I have a lady friend who is drop dead gorgeous and struggles with feeling attractive. I sometimes cant get my head around how she could feel this way, but I try not to be judgmental. The point is it doesn't matter how you look its how you feel. You could put time and work into becoming more beautiful but it wont matter until you change your mindset. The key to that is to stop tying so much of your self worth and self-esteem to your physical appearance. Work on other things like talents that enhance who you are as a person. after that enhance what makes you look good like your eyes, hair, maybe you are curvy or have nice legs and can wear clothes that bring that out. Dress nice and always tells yourself what you like about yourself before you point out your flaws. A mindset takes daily warfare to overcome so always keep fighting and you will succeed. Also remember to do things or hobbies that boost your confidence or that you are good at, like singing etc.The other thing is you have to let go of the sensitive trait because life is harsh and not everyone is going to think you are amazing even if you really are. Remember to always take peoples critiques with a grain of salt and never take them to heart. For example my lads always call girls who are average to good looking "ugly" when they get rejected by them or feel like they have no shot in "wining" them over. Now these girls are not ugly at all and my lads would back me on it but guys do this as a defense mechanism because they often feel vulnerable themselves in that state. So if that guy was saying he would "take" you from your boyfriend then he finds you attractive to a degree so that clearly shows that he was full of it when he called you ugly. The point is never trust what comes out of a guys mouth when he is critiquing a women's beauty in general because guys who truly think your beautiful want to show you that you're beautiful not just tell you you're beautiful.
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A
female
reader, LJCX +, writes (6 March 2016):
 Did you actually hear this guy saying this? Why on earth would your boyfriend want to tell you that somebody thinks you are ugly? He's either incredibly dumb or he's said it to put you off him.I think your boyfriend has told you this so there will not be a cat in hells chance that you will hit it off and be friendly towards each other.Why would your boyfriend be bothering with a guy who says such derogatory things about his girlfriend? If he said sexual things about you the one night then why would he ever want to go out with him another night then just stand there like a drip listening to him call you ugly?If this man did call you ugly and you believe this to be the honest truth you, I certainly won't dismiss your feelings as being stupid. It hurts when people call you ugly, it's not being shallow it's just being rightfully hurt as to why somebody would be that way.If you have never even talked to this person then how do you know what his type is? I'm guessing you are the opposite to a leggy blonde and your boyfriend is saying this to make it crystal clear that you would never interest him.If your boyfriend is his friend then why is he telling you he can never get a girlfriend? How did that conversation come up? He's putting him down to put you off.If he did call you ugly then your boyfriend needs to man up! Instead of telling tales he should be telling him off and do his best not to unnecessarily hurt your feelings. If it were kept a secret would it really matter?I have been called ugly by some people and absolutely beautiful by others and not just to make me feel better. You don't believe the positive comments so why should you believe the negative.
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