A
female
age
41-50,
*edecrem
writes:my ex and i had disagreements and broke up 6 months ago, i wrote him emails and called but he ignored me and didn't respond for the 3 months i tried to contact him. i finally quit trying to contact him, and then 3 months later he contacts me, but with what i call a cryptic message. he sends me a little message through facebook with a short thing that was just between us - but nothing speaking to me directly. no phone calls, no email, etc. i'm trying to figure out whether to respond to him or not. i'm not sure if he's trying to open up communication again and is too afraid of rejection. i miss talking to him, there is no one else i know like him and wonder if i can find someone else to connect to like that, but i don't want to get hurt again (he cheated on me and lied and just wanted to be friends, without telling me about the cheating at first, and wouldn't apologize or seemed sorry for hurting me). i also wonder if he may be contacting me as a rebound or ego stroke, and i wonder that i should hold out for more - a phone call, an email, an explanation, etc. i also think that i know it may sound horrible that i may want to speak to him again. just looking for some advice or insight.
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female
reader, sedecrem +, writes (14 January 2011):
sedecrem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for you advices (long overdue i know). i know it may sound like i already know the answers but i need to bounce my thoughts off of people. i've been trying to figure this one out, i wish i could have a clear head about it. it was good to get a few months without talking to him in order to do so (and try to forget about him, which really just amounted to me numbing my feelings because it was just too much pain, and also hating him, which was like hating myself). i didn't respond to his short message, because i didn't know what to say to him, things were just too complicated. there are some really good aspects to our relationship, and then really bad ones, and i feel i don't know anything about relationships to protect myself and get "what i want". i wish i didn't have to, but i think that's a reality of even healthy/good relationships - you have to know how things work, what you want, and how to get it, and i don't know that exactly.
anyway, he contacted me again, this time by text to my phone, after midnight sunday, which i thought was probably a drunk text, saying how he missed me, why couldn't we have been together (it's a long story), he feels lonely, no one to talk to, so i ignored it - figuring again that he was lonely as he said, and it's not that he really loves me, he's just looking to meet his needs, and i would just end up hurt again if i began talking to him without having it all figured out. haha - i kept thinking - i need to hold out for more than what he's sent me so far - i'm looking for an apology, an i love, something more sincere and honest, etc. then, he texted me again 1am this morning asking about how i've been, how things in my life have changed, how he was sorry he hurt me, he wishes things were different, he wanted to be with me, thinking about why it didn't work out, it's probably too painful to talk, etc. it seems somewhat sincere, i miss talking to him, but i just don't even know what to say to him. i still think he's a [bad word], what does he want? he wasn't specific about how he hurt me (didn't apologize for lying and cheating, just for "hurting" me), he "wishes" things worked out - if he really loved me, i would think he would do something about it (obviously wouldn't have lied to me, or hurt me in the first place). i think, it didn't work out because he is immature. because he relegates things to "fate", instead of taking charge of his life and changing something - i guess a conflict in our beliefs. i don't like talking down about people, but... i know i can be paranoid and am very mistrustful - thinking of how he's just trying to meet his needs, how he's playing games with me - contacting me after 3 months, etc. or maybe he's playing games without realizing it. i also figure by trying to "catchup", that he is somehow trying to feel better about what he did. i wish relationships weren't these games.
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (13 January 2011):
 He's manipulating you. He saying all of the things he needs to in order to create doubt in your mind. He's counting on you putting some blame on yourself and using your guilt in his favor.
It's sounds to me like you know you shouldn't be together. You know you don't like how he acts towards you, how he treated you, and you know that you are too different for it to work out. Also, you know what he did wasn't just a little mistake. You have mistrust because he made you lose trust in him.
Don't let your fear of being alone convince you to go back to him. It's a very common thing, a person ignoring the lying, the cheating, the bad treatment, the lack of respect... all the while looking for one teeny, tiny scrap of what they want (in this case an apology) and they use that to go back into a relationship.
He had his chance. But instead of treating you with love and respect, instead of treating you as the most important person in his life.... he did what he did. You don't need that and you don't need him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): That dude's a total reject. why surely you can find better than bottom of the barrel. Don't waste another second of your time on him. Kick that user+++loser back into the gutter he crawled out of.
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A
female
reader, sedecrem +, writes (13 January 2011):
sedecrem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for you advices (long overdue i know). i know it may sound like i already know the answers but i need to bounce my thoughts off of people. i've been trying to figure this one out, i wish i could have a clear head about it. it was good to get a few months without talking to him in order to do so (and try to forget about him, which really just amounted to me numbing my feelings because it was just too much pain, and also hating him, which was like hating myself). i didn't respond to his short message, because i didn't know what to say to him, things were just too complicated. there are some really good aspects to our relationship, and then really bad ones, and i feel i don't know anything about relationships to protect myself and get "what i want". i wish i didn't have to, but i think that's a reality of even healthy/good relationships - you have to know how things work, what you want, and how to get it, and i don't know that exactly.
anyway, he contacted me again, this time by text to my phone, after midnight sunday, which i thought was probably a drunk text, saying how he missed me, why couldn't we have been together (it's a long story), he feels lonely, no one to talk to, so i ignored it - figuring again that he was lonely as he said, and it's not that he really loves me, he's just looking to meet his needs, and i would just end up hurt again if i began talking to him without having it all figured out. haha - i kept thinking - i need to hold out for more than what he's sent me so far - i'm looking for an apology, an i love, something more sincere and honest, etc. then, he texted me again 1am this morning asking about how i've been, how things in my life have changed, how he was sorry he hurt me, he wishes things were different, he wanted to be with me, thinking about why it didn't work out, it's probably too painful to talk, etc. it seems somewhat sincere, i miss talking to him, but i just don't even know what to say to him. i still think he's a [bad word], what does he want? he wasn't specific about how he hurt me (didn't apologize for lying and cheating, just for "hurting" me), he "wishes" things worked out - if he really loved me, i would think he would do something about it (obviously wouldn't have lied to me, or hurt me in the first place). i think, it didn't work out because he is immature. because he relegates things to "fate", instead of taking charge of his life and changing something - i guess a conflict in our beliefs. i don't like talking down about people, but... i know i can be paranoid and am very mistrustful - thinking of how he's just trying to meet his needs, how he's playing games with me - contacting me after 3 months, etc. or maybe he's playing games without realizing it. i also figure by trying to "catchup", that he is somehow trying to feel better about what he did. i wish relationships weren't these games.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): No don't call him. You nailed it when you said perhaps he is looking for a rebound/ego stroke, that is exactly what it sounds like. The fact that he could go six months without talking to you, 3 of the months of which he wouldn't even respond to your calls/emails just shows this guy really does not care for you.
So yeah he probably is just putting something out there just to see how you react because he needs to feel wanted by somebody. Because probably the girl he left you for, or simply the one he is dating now, is temporarily out of the picture (key word: temporarily. As soon as she is back in the picture he will drop you like a hot rock again.)
I am sorry you feel like you love this guy because he is totally unworthy of your passion. So just keep ignoring him and keep moving on with things. I promise you will find someone much much better than him, just give it time and be strong. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (15 December 2010):
So let me get this straight.... you miss talking to a man and wonder if you can ever find someone else like him who is a liar and a cheater, a man who ignores your attempts at contact, and who won't apologize for what he did to you? Hmmmm.... I think there are plenty of men out there like that for you to find.
You need to get over this man. Your fear of moving on and looking for someone new is keeping you from getting over him. Cheating on someone is a complete lack of respect for your partner, in this case that is YOU. He doesn't respect you. Not only did he cheat, but he lied about it also. And he didn't even apologize. Move on.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 Yes I'm thinking what was he doing while he wasnt responding to your emails etc, he's not changed any of his details has he? So I'm presuming he's been in a very short relationship during this time so ignored you. Now I suppose he is finished with that relationship and now you look like a good offer again. So he probably would still be the same man who you knew before, someone whom you can't trust. Be very very careful or you could find yourself going down the same route again.
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