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male
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anonymous
writes: One day my (attractive) wife and I planned on lunch at her work's cafeteria. She cancelled. A friend of mine at her work told me she had lunch with a bigshot in the company. He asked her out to a lavish restaurant. It was odd because she only has 30 min for lunch (just enough to eat in the cafeteria) but the lunch lasted 90 min.I pretended I didn't know hoping she would eventually tell me. She didn't. About a week after the lunch, we were at her work party. She was staring at the same "lunch date" guy and he was staring back.I started asking leading questions to get her to tell the truth just about the lunch date. She didn't. Finally I told her I knew she had lunch with the man. She denied it at first then finally admitted it but swore it was purely work related and the man hadn't talked with her since. She said she would bet her life that she is being honest.I'm not naive, and knew there was more to it. After waiting a week, I told her I'm leaving. Then I left... she called me and told me she had been lying - he had been pursuing her. She said they had arranged another meeting but SHE cancelled it saying it was wrong. And now she says nothing is going on with him.My question: Should I believe that there is nothing going on? What can I do to believe her again? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): please dont panic.my wife has been a barmaid in the same pub for 10 years and we have been married for 25.a regular in the pub hastled her for 18 months to take her out for lunch.eventually she accepted and went out with him 3 times behind my back until i found out.i found love letters from this poor soul in her purse.when confronted she admitted all.there was no sexual affair but it still hurt deeply.this guy had money where as i have not and this was the reason he was able to woo her this my wife admitted.we had a huge row and got everything out in the open and this was only three weeks ago.you must forget about this slip up by your wife and forgive her even apportion some of the blame onto yourself.we are now more in love than ever and have proved that every night for the last 3 weeks!!!!!!!!good luck.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 October 2006):
 I agree with Frank B Kermit. She's probably been approached many times. Your relationship needs work. Why did she do it in the first place. Was the guy complimenting her, making her feel alive. HAve you been doing that or have you slacked off a little. IT doesn't justify what she did. She lied to you to go out with another guy. Really, not only did she lie, she cancelled plans with you to accomodate the other guy. ?This doesn't mean she cheated but it does indicate she's confused about how she feels.
As for believing her, you'd be well within your rights not to. She lied and got caught otherwise this could have gone further. She says she felt bad so she cancelled her next date with him. IF she felt so bad after you questioned her, why did she even make arrangements to see him again. You need to discuss this with her and maybe a councelor too.
You have to decide if the relationship is worth it. Really, to believe or not believe is difficult becasue you'll really never know without a shadow of a doubt the extent of anything.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (19 October 2006):
 Hello Anon,
If getting another job is an option at this point, then I agree with Frank. However, that would only be cutting off that particular relationship, right?
And, like Frank, I think that what you need to do is find out what's really going on. Does she feel something is lacking in your relationship? Do you? What can be done about it? Open communication - actually *understanding* one another instead of becoming defensive - is key.
Because this is such a delicate sort of issue, I suggest couples counseling. It will help you two to have everything out in the open without causing potential arguments, etc. What you learn here will be valuable in helping the both of you maintain your relationship for the years to come.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (19 October 2006):
 This is a hard situation. I can only tell you what I would do. If she is sincere about putting your relationship first, tell her to find a new job.
If the situation were reversed, and my marriage was threaten by a big shot in the company coming on to me, I would leave if that is what it took to save my marriage.
Another thing is whehter her "company big shot" was committing an act of sexual harassment. Was he using his influence of position over her to entice her? Just something to ask.
Nothing freaks out a potential suitor to your girlfriend like a direct phone call, in a calm and unthreatening voice. Check with a lawyer if you are serious about separating from your wife, and find out what you can and can not say to the suitor.
The DEEPER issue that I see, is the fact that she ALMOST went with him, and then decided not to becuase it was wrong. (Assuming she is telling the truth). That signals to me there is something wrong in your relationship. THAT is what you need to pay attention to, not the symptom of the potential affair.
You should also consider that women get approached ALL THE TIME. Married or not. If she is attractive, be sure that this is not the only time she was approached. Be sure that you can handle the truth you go out to find.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, Charly Kitten +, writes (19 October 2006):
 it's up to you to make this decision, we can only help, but in the end its your life! what do you think? has she done things like this in the past? you could even try asking the lunchdat guy!
i hope i helped a little!
charly kitten
p.s. remember you need to make the decision, we are only helping! good luck x
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