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female
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*ida22
writes: What should I do when my boyfriend of three months is arleady making plans to get married and move in together? Every time we see each other I feel like that's all he wants to talk about, I've even caught him looking at wedding cakes magazines and talking to a sales women about an engagement ring. I've talked to him about this matter, I've told him that he's moving too fast, and that I'm not ready to make that huge commitment but all he does is get upset. I really think we could have a good thing together, he's really sweet and we have a lot fun togehter but this is all just too overwhelming for me. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): Be aware of this guy. I went through that after knowing a guy for less than a week. He turned out to be controlling and verbally abusive. He would chastise me like I was a child. I am 30, great job, masters degree and own a 200K house and drive a new car. This was his way of attempting to control me when in fact, he had nothing. I told him to get lost after the 3rd week (and 3rd red flag). His wife called me about a week ago after seeing my number on the cell phone bill. Be VERY aware of this guy because if he'll marry you that quick, he'll marry anyone!
A
female
reader, caffeinequeen +, writes (9 November 2005):
You need to find out if the marriage issue is a control issue. Is it about having you all to himself? Is he insecure about the way you feel about him? Does he think marriage proposal really equates love? Can he demonstrate love or only talk about it in the confines of marriage?
As suggested by Bev, you should make sure this guy is not a potential abuser, who wants to have you under his thumb.
Also, consider the financial situation. Are you making more money than him? Are you in a position of supporting him?
I know it is very sad to assume that someone who talks marriage early in a relationship, has bad intentions.
Hopefully, his intentions are true blue. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 November 2005):
 Beware!
Your guy may just be sweet and overwhelmed by love for you, but pushing for a fast commitment and ignoring your discomfort about it is also a big red flag, a warning sign that you may be dating a potential abuser.
I've been there, so I tend to read between the lines. Did you notice that even though you tried to talk to him about it and tell him you're not comfortable with the speed at which things are moving, he just ignored it and got upset at you instead? This suggests that he's a fairly egocentric individual and that he won't hesitate to steamroller you on other issues. "Blaming" you by his getting upset puts you on the back foot, you see?
I suggest that you test the waters by putting some distance between yourselves. Refuse to see him every day. Insist that things are going too swiftly for comfort and tell him that marriage is definitely not on the cards at this time. It's true, isn't it?
If he gets cranky and/or pouty about it, then he's not in love with you, he's in love with the idea of marriage. You have nothing to lose, because it sounds like this guy is either too starry-eyed to be very sensible (not someone you want to spend the future with) or very controlling and manipulative (run, run, run!). Even if he's just a big, selfish, whiny baby with uncontrolled wedding fantasies... do you really want to continue to date somebody like that? Someone who'll do whatever he wants, even if it makes you uneasy?
Please do be aware that abusers who control their girlfriends and wives are very often "sweet" and "a lot of fun" in the beginning, but that they very quickly start to try to direct their partners' lives with complaints, threats and manipulations, such as "You hurt me when you want to go out with your girlfriends". Be careful!
Give this guy space. If he's really a good match for you, he's soon come to his senses and slow things down to a speed where you both feel comfortable.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 November 2005):
 Well, obviously talking to him doesn't do any good so I guess I would just ignore the magazines and wedding cake chatter. Just change the subject. You are absolutely right to take your time about moving in or getting married. Also don't share finances with him unless you ARE married. And always practice birth control because that is the number one reason women get trapped into a miserable marriage.
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