| A
age
30-35,
*
writes: Hi, I am 19 and I have been in the relationship I'm in right now for almost 2yrs. I have a very big problem with my partner. I have lied to him as well as cheating. I am not proud or happy about what I did, but there is nothing I can do to change what has been done. The thing is that we met online(myspace). We were in a long distance relationship for almost 4mos. Then when it came close to my prom 2 guys asked me to go with them. But only as friends. One guy said he wasn't going after all. And the other one wasn't sure if he was still going or not. But I told my boyfriend about them asking me. And I told him I was not going to go with any guy and if I did it would only be as friends. Then what happened was that 1 of my ex's moved school's and ended up coming back to the school i was in at the time. We did not talk right away because he had cheated and I was resentful towards him. But after some time we smiled once in a while and waved hi. Then more time passed and we actually became friends and held some normal conversations with each other. When we started talking and became friends after wards, I was not with the guy I am with now when this took place. But 1 week or so before prom when I was already with my long distance boyfriend my ex asked me to go with him to the prom. At first I said no and I kept saying no. Then he still kept asking and he told me he was sorry and that he wanted to make it up to me and have a good time. I told him ok but only as friends, last minute. And I did not tell my boyfriend about it. My boyfriend sent me money for food, my prom dress, my shoes, makeup and prom ticket. So I went to prom and before going I called him, told him I loved him etc etc and he told me the same and also said to me, to remember him in whatever I did. I said okay and I was serious. I was ready to go and left with my friend to another friends house. From our other friends house she gave us a ride including other people, to the prom spot. Well, my ex went with us and his dad took some pics. then we left. We got to prom...everything was good, I wasn't cheating or anything, just talking and dancing. But then a couple hrs. Before we began dancing we were at the table and the rest of our friends walked away to the dance floor. So I was just sitting and when they all left all suspiciously it left me thinking he had something to do with it. Minutes pass and my ex asks me to be his girlfriend etc, I said no. he asled again I said no. Then I told him I had a boyfriend and I was not going to cheat. Then we danced, sat back down, danced again ...but this time to a slow song and he kissed me, i then froze and I kissed him back. BIG MISTAKE!!! I could not believe I did that!!! then when prom was over i went with my friend to her house because i was living with her at the time.I talked to my friend and told her what happened. I told her I had to call my boyfriend to tell him. She told me not to tell him. I told her I had too... i'm not sure if I called him that night or the next day. But I did call him and i told him what I done. I disappointed him so much and he was crying. I did not know what to do, because all he did was cry and got away from the phone. Then came back still crying, so I told him I was really sorry and that I would talk to him later. So i hung up and he did not answer the ph. for weeks.the second part of my story is that I wound up moving in with him. I cut all communication with my ex after prom. But I talked to a friend and asked her for his #. I know I mest up. So we started texting back n forth but I felt bad about it so I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Another thing is that an old friend who had a crush on me messaged my myspace and I replied telling him not to message me back and I would message him another time because my boyfriend had access to my myspace. And he replied, my boyfriend found out about my ex's #. I was sleeping, he was looking through my cell and found it under a different name. Then he also saw the message from my old friend. And he messaged him to his myspace and told my boyfriend that I sent him pictures. He asked me about it and I lied saying no. Then he sent my boyfriend the pictures and I told him they were pictures of when me and him just started our relationship and I was not sure if he was serious with me or if he was going to cheat like the rest. He was very mad at me. I asked him to forgive me.... and I don't think he has forgiven me. A year has passed and I have not cheated again and I will never cheat again. But he does not trust me. He still cries, drinks because of the lies I told him and tells me i'm worthless and I fu**ed him over. We have fought about this a million times. And I have began to be abusive towards him because no matter what I do, he blames me for every single thing.He added girls to his myspace and started messaging them. Then I created a fake account and he replied. He was flirting back and I was so angry. I started to cry, deleted the fake profile and talked to him about it. Telling him that it was mest up and that it was a fake profile i created to find out what he was doing. He said I asked for it. Then he hugged me and told me he loved me. a while before that incident he messaged one of my friends on AIM messenger, after I had introduced them to each other. I didn't think it was a biggy but it turned out to be an issue. He was messaging her constantly. Morning, day and night. I asked him to stop messaging her because it bothered me. He told me he liked talking to her... etc. Then I found very disturbing messages i found that he wrote to her and she did not tell me about it. So I confronted him about it. And he blamed me, saying I cheated and lied and that I should have been concerned about our relationship when we started and not now because it's my fault. I told my friend about the messages...she lied and pretended she never got anything and then I asked her not to message him or anything even if he messaged her. She said okay, she lied because right in front of me the communication between them went on.My boyfriend browses girls on myspace and saves their pics. Added more girls, and checks girls out right in front of me. Even when we are out on a date. I mentioned this to him and he says I complain too much and pay attention to the small stuff. Then a week ago we were having problems about the girls on his myspace(again). He's been saying over 2 months her was going to delete them and yet has not. And he makes excuses of how he's not deleting them because he wants to save cute little glitter graphics, etc but yet he's been saving their pictures, and browsing more girls, saving their pics. as well. =( I don't know what to do anymore. He recently told me he loves me, wants me and wants to be with me. But that he wants to have sex with other girls as well. I gave him the option to stay with me only, and no sex with other girls. He then agreed to be with me only. Everything was fine...i thought. Yesterday he went out and bought beer as well as today...and since he's been driving me insane. And keeps throwing things of the past in my face. After he's done things to hurt me like I mentioned, he still just blames me. He says I turned him this way and doesn't trust me. I been clean to him about everything and have not cheated on him again and will not. But he tells me it's not about today or recently but what I did before. I'm afraid this will not work out. I really want it to work. He asked me If I would forgive him if he cheated and I said yes. Because I love him, he just said aaahhh okay. And I think he's going to cheat... =( Any advice, anyone?? Please help me out, I really want to make this relationship work but he's not helping out. what should I do??? I want to get his trust back. And be happily married but I'm afraid lies will go behind my back and he will still throw things of the past in my face.
View related questions:
crush, flirt, long distance, met online, money, my ex, myspace, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's hard to show sarcasm through typing and at first I saw sarcasm about the porn thing but then i thought to myself...hmmm maybe she's serious...lol.
Thank you so much for your help :)
I appreciate it, A LOT!
I was shocked and surprised you actually read my story and wrote back so soon. I didn't think anyone would read it since I thought it might be the longest story of them all, LOL.
take care and keep in touch! xxxxx
A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 Yup, I was kidding, I should have realised that sarcasm doesn't come across well when you're typing it rather than saying it!
I am glad you've taken off the rose coloured glasses and are beginning to see him as he really is! You can contact me (or other aunties) if you feel like keeping in contact, you've added me as a friend so can email me (on this site at any rate) whenever you like. Ak.
God Bless to you too hun.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou're kidding about the porn industry right?? =O LOL. Well, today I woke up alright and he was happy and affectionate. We talked a bit and in the afternoon he told me we could work it out. I thought so...or maybe I just hoped. Then later tonight he was being all depressed, a cry baby and bothering me about the porn again!! I told him to stop and that I wasn't going to do it. He got sad, but who cares? I know what I want and that's not something I want so too bad, so sad. He's really getting to me, and I do love him... but I'm starting to distance and my feelings are getting mixed signals... he keeps messing with my head. I messaged him after chatting with him on yahoo messenger for a while, one thing he asked was if i wanted to see a movie or talk, but I said, "i just feel sick to my stomache about all the shit going on between us. i get mad bcuz u throw things in my face n i am just very very very very very unhappy and depressed". I said this to him because after he was the one to clearly state that we could make it work...i freaken said okay!!! Then he changes on me and starts to throw the same crap in my face!!! This was during the porn subject today, AGAIN. So I pretty much don't have hopes for us and I've opened my eyes to reality. I don't see myself having sex with anyone(EVER) or being in another relationship(EVER!!)...he has hurt me so much, including past boyfriends that I just don't see myself with someone else...because I can't trust another guy! And maybe it's a good thing. I dealt with this before so I should be okay. Only time knows more than me. Well, he offered to be friends and I said I guess. And he also told me that he doesn't trust anyone to take care of me, and wants me to stay and live with him... I just said ok. I am starting to lose the love for him and I'm just tired of trying to have something that isn't even going on between us. Everything is a lie and I just don't care anymore. I will be staying here until I figure out what to do. I messaged my uncle to give me my brothers number. I'm hoping maybe I can move in with him, (I can get a job, start college over there, and once I save enough money) I can get my own apartment in washington. When that happens I will only care for myself and take care of myself first before any fool. I don't need the drama! The thing I love the most about myself is that once I set my mind to doing something that benefits me in the long run, I achieve it and I am very responsible and mature. Thank you so much for the advice. Please keep messaging me :) I like talking to you. Plus, i have no friends because I don't trust people.
God bless
...............................
A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti +, writes (17 November 2009):
Death?! Torture?! These are not the words of a guy who has just been 'hurt'...he sounds psychotic! Please, please leave him!You say you've nowhere to go, but what about a women's refuge? Not sure if you go to church, but someone in the clergy could possibly help get you somewhere safer, ring a helpline specific to abuse. I'm so sorry that you've been treated this way, you are worth far too much to lower yourself this way by staying with him. Shocking that you don't want to enter the porn industry...what is wrong with you?!?!?!?! Shocking that he asked you! He obviously doesn't love you (even though he's saying he does) or he wouldn't treat you this way.Another option is your local salvation army (are they called that where you are?) like a hostel that is really subsidised or free where you could stay until you get yourself back on your feet?Please remove yourself from this situation, as soon as possible!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer. I have been close to leaving him but never actually have. We have been living together for almost 2 years and I have no place to go. He told me that if things don't work out that he still wants to take care of me, and wants me to stay here with him. But the thing is that I wouldn't be happy as friends and still living in the same place. Because I don't want anything from him if we ever do break up. If a break up occurs more than likely i'll be the one doing the break up because even if we have problems he won't officially break it off with me. But what I'm also wondering is, if he's hurt so bad and can't let the past go...why not leave me?? he has broken up with me and an hr. later he's talking to me asking me to get back with him. i don't understand. I have anxiety and I get nervous break downs. I've become abusive in this relationship. It's not like I want to hit him but he provokes me. He then went to the store and came back saying that he took care of business. And that if i ever hit him again, me and my family are gonna get taken care of.(He mentioned Death) he told his mom i hit him too. I understand what I did was wrong and I had no intentions of doing that, but I lose control. He makes me mad on purpose and tells me to hit me, provoking me. And when I can't take it anymore I hit him and that makes me sad. I really want help but he's not helping. I have tried to make this relationship better but he's always against what I do or say. I feel very guilty that he included my family in the torture and not just me. I hit him, they didn't do anything to him. He's also upset because I don't want to join the porn industry with him. I told him i'm not going to sell my body and that I wish he just kept me for himself. And he told me that if he has sex with other girls it's just sex and nothing serious after that. Like a piece of garbage.... it makes me sad how he thinks and how he's really hurting me. What can I do? It's getting very painful for me... every day of our lives he mentions girls, their privates, sex and just constantly bothers me about things that don't involve Just Me! He acts like a dog about these subjects but yet doesn't pay sexual attention to me after he's already told me I'm beautiful and sexy. He just doesn't touch me very much. I don't know why all this time passed and he's starting to change all of a sudden. He says i'm to blame for this and months ago i told him If he can't take it and keeps throwing things in my face, that I was going to leave. He told me he'd stop, and he did for a while. But now we're back on this subject.He also got a hold of my ex and has been keeping in touch with him. y???? He calls him and tries to make me talk to him when I want nothing with him. Shouldn't he be angry with him as well?? after all, he was the 1st one to make the move and planted that kiss on me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti +, writes (17 November 2009):
Heard that expression, 'Once bitten, twice as shy"? After you cheated on him, major trust issues erupted (obviously!) and he's now trying to get back at you by making you feel as bad as he did when you hurt him. I honestly think that this situation is only going to get worse, I realise that you love him, but pain now is better than worse pain in a few months time (or however long it takes for him to actually sleep with other girls!).
He's taking it above and beyond though, I'll admit. You only kissed another guy and he's saying he wants to sleep with other girls...that doesn't compute! I'd advise you to extract yourself from the relationship now, and wait until he's got his issues a bit more under control! If your relationship is meant to work out, it will. Good luck!
...............................
|
