A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been a single mom for 5 years, after the end of a very abusive relationship. I have 3 kids, 2 teens and an 11 year old. I started dating a guy about 7 months ago and he is awesome! He's met my kids, but we've kept it pretty casual and infrequent (movies, park for an hour or two once or twice). He recently let me know that he feels that I am shutting him out of mine and my kids' lives, because I haven't let him spend more time with them. I feel that I wanted to be sure that this was a committed relationship before introducing him, but he seems to feel as though I don't trust him and am being unreasonable. Am I? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I have several friends that are single moms and they don't introduce a guy to their kids until they are sure that the relationship is really committed. And generally, it takes at least 5 or 6 months before you can even begin to tell if a relationship is really going somewhere. I have one friend who says she won't introduce her boyfriend to her kids until she's engaged! lol I wouldn't advise being that extreme, but I do think it's important to allow plenty of time to be sure that you really know a person and that YOU can trust them, before making moves to include them in your daily family life. If he's as great a guy as you say, then he should be able to understand that you've been through an ordeal (and your kids, too I'm sure) and that moving slow is the best thing for all of you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): I can see both sides of the situation, so hopefully you both can come to a compromise that you both will be happy with.
First I would be just as cautious as you when it comes to bringing a new man around children. With all the weirdos and crazies, you have to be extremely careful when bringing new men around you children. I can most certainly can understand your reluctance to bring him around your children. If this is just going to be a casual thing, then he doesn't need to start a bond with your children.
I can also see his point of view. He could be sincere about dating you on a more serious basis and if you are just going to keep it the pace that you are, he feels that you are holding him at arms length and you don't trust him yet. He may understand that if he is going to be the man in your life, he needs to start a bond with your children so that they can trust him as well.
I don't believe either party is being unreasonable. I can see your side as well as his. The best thing that the two of you can do is talk about this. You explain your side and he can explain his. Hopefully the two of you can you can come with a compromise the two you can handle. Best of luck to the both of you
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