A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am white 25 year old Christian girl. My boyfriend is 31 year old Muslim man. I want to convert to Islam and plan to do so soon. I split with my ex-boyfriend (a university 5 year romance) just before I started dating my current boyfriend. He split with his long term girlfriend of 6 years approx a year previously but had maintaind contact with her throughout.I have been together with my boyfriend for 7 months now. I have had my doubts about his honesty at times, e.g. he was sending dating emails to a Muslim girl 3 months into our relationship and he continues to communicate at least once per month with his ex-grlfriend via email. I have his passwords so I read his emails from time to time. I also discovered recently that he is on a muslim dating site, although on questioning he says he was only 'active' on this site 3 weeks ago as he was trying to unsubscribe.Despite all this, I trust him. I think I love him. We hven't said I love you yet to each other but I guess kind actions speak louder than words, right?A few days ago I told him that I want to be more religious and stop having premarital sex. I expected him to be upset but instead he was relieved and off-loaded a lot of plans on me. He says he wants to marry within the year, have children next year and start buying several houses. He tells me he has no reason for being single any longer and he wants to marry now. I would also like to marry and have always wanted to raise a family. I guess I'm unsure if he wants to marry someone or marry me but I don't want to insult him by asking this. I'm also surprised that he hasn't said I love you yet. I don't know where to go from here - he says he wants to pan our future on a timeline so that we don't waste time floating along. Should I ask him to talk about it or leave it with him? I'm happy to date for a while but understand that he is getting older and would like to settle down soon.I'm so confused and feel that this was a huge off-load that he couldn't help but tell me. I know I should be happy but I'm just dazed!!thank you for reading this,any advice is very welcomeAisha
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 "His main fears are that his mother and friends would not accept me and would treat me cruelly as I am not from the same culture as them (even if I was to convert)."
This will be the hardest part of the relationship. But at the end of the day they (his family) will have to respect you regardless of your religion, i hope it works out for you both. It is an ultimate test also for his family, god is way smarter than we all think and he probably even knows what we are thinking before we think it ourselves, therefore there is no reason to change your religion and beliefs - I believe one may want to change your religion only because of a deeper inner connection of who you are at a very personal level. Beyond the love of another person.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your very kind and insightful advice.
We had a follow up discussion a few days later. He informed me that he didn't mean for me to marry him now, he was just explaining that he was taking our relationship seriously and that these were his goals. He says that he doesn't think we are in love yet as we both are inexperienced in relationships and still have fears and insecurities. He hopes that these will pass so we can be in love completely and can progress to planning marriage and families etc. He does not want to force me to convert to Islam but is happy to advise and guide me if I wish. His main fears are that his mother and friends would not accept me and would treat me cruelly as I am not from the same culture as them (even if I was to convert). He also fears that I will one day divorce him and take our children away from him. He claims to trust me implicitly and be happy to have found me. He plans to spend lots of time in his home country when he us older and he thinks I will find that impossible as I've never been exposed to his culture.
He said he found me manipulative in engineering conversations to get my answers. In actual fact, I try not to start confrontations and I'm afraid to dream about the future because I am very uncertain of it. I am high maintenance - I want to know where he and what he's doing all the time.
After this conversation he persisted with saying things like 'our children will be tall, don't you think?', 'what kind of house shall we buy?' etc. I'm not sure why he is doing this since he's reluctant to make any real commitment. He keeps asking me whether I've ever thought of my name with his surname (which I haven't!) etc and gets upset when I reply honestly. He really wants me to talk about my thoughts and feelings but I'm scared to do so as I feel I am being judged and scored!! Perhaps these things will just take time and I should relax about it. After all, 7 months is still early days. Perhaps he likes me but is very conflicted. It is a real quandry!!
I feel really powerless - I'm trying to be more pious, I'm educated and pretty, I'm quite well mannered. But I'm not from his home country and I don't know about his culture - I can never change that and I feel that is the main factor holding him back. It makes me very sad.
Thanks for your advice
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Converting for what??? are you even a christian? a true christian would not convert as they would believe that Jesus Christ was there Lord and saviour. The true living son of God who died for your sin. The bible condemns sex before marriage. How could you be having sex with someone who has not even said that he loves you.
You sound very confused to me and I think you should NOT base you goals on the dreams of others. He wants to start building houses soon and blah blah blah. I want to win the lottery doesn't mean that it will manifest. He wants to get married to someone! not you! but someone preferably a muslim!. (He is on muslim dating sites and talking to muslim girls and you want to convert for him not for yourself).
You sound very confused about what you want. I would pray to God in the name of Jesus for the answer to be revealed first.
God Bless
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 January 2010):
 Why do I get the feeling that this guy is on the rebound from his last relationship.... much too fast honeypie... make sure you take them Islamic lessons real slow, so you buy yourself time and know exactly what you are taking on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): ..WHOA, you're thinking of converting and possibly marrying someone who when he mentioned marriage...youre not sure it was to you? honey you need to stop, look, and listen.....this makes you seem a little desperate to me? i agree with griff and caring guy...too many red flags. mal
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (28 January 2010):
Firstly, be carfull about the conversion thing, no offence, but it seems to be a fashionable thing at the mo for muslim men/women to convert christian/other religion girls/boys then dump them. its happend to quite a few friends of mine. Anyway, its very controversial that topic.
Secondly, if your looking at his personal things worring about the communication and stuff, then you clearly don't trust him at all. And/or he is making you feel disloyall. So do you think thats fair? is it fair that hes communicating with another girl, regardless of religion?
Yes, ask him what hes talking about with the time line thing. basically from my POV it means he wants to make plans, but if i was you i'd let him make them and ask him to do so, if thats what he wants.
If you love him and you feel it ... tell him ... its only love.
Just make sure you get exactly what you want from the relationship otherwise you'll constantly feel like your fighiting air all the time, with air. you cant win because you cant see it, right?
lastly, thers no such thing as actions speak louder than words, its such a "cliche" that it means just what "cleche's" mean: The exact opposite. your words will always speak louder than actions. because actions can be interpreted differently by each individual person.
good luck. but if it was me. i'd move on. sounds too serious and too much of a dodgy headache to bother with.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 January 2010):
He's communicating with an ex, was on a site and claims to have 'unsubscribed', and he been emailing other women. Seriously, here are red flags you can't ignore. And there seems to be a little bit too much planning here, as if he's trying to trap you. Slow down and really think about what you're doing. You could be walking into a huge mess.
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