A
male
age
51-59,
*eelsick
writes:HiI have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years (she is 41)and she told me a few days ago that in the 4 years before we met that she had slept with 4 other guys, kissed others (so called 'friends') etc. and it has made me feel sick. I was not impressed and how much more there may be that what she is telling.We all have a past but at her age she should have got her act together and doing this in a short space of time and being so easily intimate with people has made me lose my feelings for her. If she had done this at 18 I would have felt differently as that is part of growing up and I did things then too. I now doubt the sincerity of anything nice she says and think about her enjoying herself physically just to the same level we have. She travelled 100 miles to see one guy (and hardly bothers with my place 10 miles away)and admits the sex was great-his picture shows a pretty boy who is a Doctor, so I can see why she went for him. She also told me that she admires her ex'es. That hurt too. She no longer makes me feel special.I am confident, successful etc and have self esteem but something inside me has died for her. It may have happened before she met me (I get that), but my opinion and respect of her has lowered. She is attractive, well spoken, attentive and on paper ideal, The reality has shattered this though.Am I right to feel that way? I think that I no longer want to be with her and she is talking living together etc. Talking of ex's sure can ruin a relationship!In my mind I could be anyone. It can't be special when she has been that intimate to people in recent times. I was the 4th guy after her divorce in 5 years. That is too much for me.
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divorce, her ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): If everyone should be tolerated without prejudice, then that includes people who want to find a partner whose life experiences and values are COMPATIBLE with their own. The dating process involves turning people down constantly, sometimes for the most trivial of things. Its ALWAYS "judging people" in a sense. You are trying to find someone compatible with yourself. That means being more selective than you would be for choosing a friend or even many family members. Some people prefer a partner with more sexual experience. That's okay. But if tolerance is a two-way street then it needs to be okay to prefer the opposite too.Double standards come in many forms, not just the traditional ones that our grandparents would recognize. If its unacceptable in the 21st century to say, "I don't want some loose slut!" then it must be equally unacceptable to say "I don't want some prude insecure judging asshole!"
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2015): I am the anon crass rude offensive aunt, some of my best qualities, I will say I am sorry if i have hurt your feelings this was not my intention. I am not anti-men, quite the opposite, I love men and have implied this in my post.It could be a man or woman and i would answer the same, an emotional pest is still a pest. What i mean by pest, is somebody(people) who live in the past,and a past that they were not even part of.Like i said, i have been in the Arena a few times, coming out with different life experiences, this does not make my life of any less value, nor does it make my soul lack depth, You will find it pretty difficult to find more depth than i have and many others in our soul.I value all life, all differences, all people, all animals,and our planet and future generations and contributeto all.Yet people like me who maybe classed as easy bed hoppers, in your eyes are deemed as in your words (Easily ending up in bed and kissing people means that you have no depth to your soul and it devalues you. Thats my opinion-(doesn't make me right nor wrong)that's true, it does not mean you are wrong or right, it makes you judge and put a low value on another human being. I really don't dig at any men,like i said, i enjoy men (free spirited men) so pointless pulling that card on me.If you don't like her past, then get someone with no past or a past that lives up to your standards and choose to be happy. I personally think your current relationship is doomed to fail, because she can not rewrite her life experiences to suit the life that your trying to write. You may find that life has different plans, it's called enjoying life as it happens and valuing ALL PEOPLES, depth of soul a very complex word, try using it for love. I apologise in advance :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 November 2015):
 So did she lie about not doing much for 4 years so you would agree to live with her then told you the truth because she felt lying is wrong? It's hard to get the meaning without face to face conversation. There's facial expression and there's intonation and other nuances that us readers miss. that If you felt she told you all this to imply you have to step up, then you may be right, and yes, I would feel upset too.
I didn't know she lied, so just from what you wrote I just thought she's a woman who takes charge in her love life, instead of waiting around. Moving from one another means she has high standards and would not settle. So if she is with you that means it works for her.
I still think depth of the soul is determined by how your lives have enriched by each other, and not by what she did 4 years ago. If your perception changed so much this week then I wonder how much you really know about her. So can you say that the two years you have met her, without this new information, that she does not have much depth?
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A
male
reader, feelsick +, writes (6 November 2015):
feelsick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the sensible and fair replies from those that actually read the question, but not the anonymous female who wrote today. An offensive and crude reply, no need to be crass-I hope it is removed. Sounded very 'anti men' too. Yes, we all have a past including me but when you have been lied to and someone still holds a torch by telling you how they admire their ex's and you are the latest guy, it does not make you feel special. In fact you feel like you have to compete which is clearly ridiculous. When they also put more effort in then it kills your feelings. Yes, women enjoy sex too and it seems that female respondents seem to think that men want pure women when we don't and feel the need to make a 'dig' at men in their replies. We (men and women) want honesty, integrity and to feel special. I don't rate men that sleep around either-I have the same standards either way. If I have different standards then it is not 'my problem'if I don't like something. Easily ending up in bed and kissing people means that you have no depth to your soul and it devalues you. Thats my opinion-doesn't make me right nor wrong. It is wrong to stay with someone where you have different values and you are both going to be unhappy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): For some, life appears so complex, when it really does not need to be. Can't people just get on with the blurby present moment and try with gritted teeth to extract at least some enjoyment from life and it's love rollercoaster ride. Talking of ride's, i have frequented this arena a few times myself in my single day's, and would never expect to be judged because of the life choices that i had made, especially as it had sweet nothing to do with any future partner. If i were to be judged for my past life experiences by a fresh partner then i would be happy to be set free from a small minded, emotionally self indulgent pest, who can not help himself from trying to make me feel guilty for experiencing life. Some people advance academically and explore whereas some explore relationships and sex. Neither life choice should be judged or deemed lower.
Get over yourself and maybe recognise that you are not the only human being on this planet with a willy, or the only man who deserves the virginity of mind body and soul. We are here to explore and learn, so if that means a few strange rides along the way,that you weren't invited on look on the bright side of her life, it all adds to the academia of life experiences.
The colour of life, it is not just black and white, and grey misty inbetweens, it's colour. Live laugh and love could help you to deal with YOUR problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): Anyone who does not want to be "judged" had better not ever try to date anyone. That is the entire friggin dating process from start to finish.
Judging is only called wrong when men show a certain preference that some women find inconvenient.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 November 2015):
It depends on the level of commitment you have. She's ready to move in with you, so that's far from not wanting to bother with your place that's 10 miles. I think that shows you how special you are, because she's not bothering with those other guys anymore and wants to be with you long term. Or are you thinking she wants you as a husband to just use your resources and you fear she's not really passionate with you.
She could have been talking about memory keepsakes. Think of souvenirs, photos from trips and you would have a different feeling about it. She might have thought of her exes as these. Not all exes had to be bad or losers. It's okay that some of them are special but somehow it didn't work out at the end. Some people walk long paths with us, some just short ones or detours. When you make a serious decision with someone, you can't help but think about life events that led to where you are today, and that includes exes.
You may have thought sleeping with one person a year is a reckless behavior. In reality it's probably her relationships didn't work out, but it didn't kill her hope in finding the right guy. I hope this right guy is not someone who holds her past against her and misinterpret her honesty as attachment to her exes.
Reality of successful relationships are ones where couples can get along, share laughters and sometimes tears. The idea that one is waiting in a tower to be saved is a bit unrealistic. You don't have to think of each other as gods and goddesses to feel special.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (2 November 2015):
 There is a strong hint in your post that it isn't just the number of sexual encounters that she had that bothers you, but rather her attachment to them. You mention her traveling 100 miles to have sex vs being unwilling to invest 10 miles of travel to do you; you note that she keeps pictures of her sexual flings or how else you'd know he a pretty boy; that she admires her EXs ... You point that you "have self esteem" and that, like the Doctor, you are also successful ...
Given that you'd been with her for 2 years, I reckon her revelation is few days old, and that after so much time being with her you were unprepared to hear this. So after 2 years of being with her, suddenly you get a jolt that she is still attached emotionally to men who should have been "just sex".
I think you should sit on this information little longer and not act on it yet even though you feel miserable. I note that you are cognizant that, at her age, there will be sex with others in her romantic resume, but perhaps her description of those events came too strong on the attachment side.
So in my view, it is her expression of the attachment rather then the number of partners that is making you feel not special. Men are really good at separating emotional meaning from sex and I'm sure that if you were to describe your past sexual encounters the distinction would be rather clear. She may have been clumsy in her attempt to be truthful and clear with you, so that's why you should wait so that you do not mistake her sincere attempt at coming clean with you for a clumsy depiction of attachment where there is none.
So give it some time to see and find out how actually attached she is to these people. Perhaps what you heard may have been her inexperience at coming out with her truth by focusing on the attachment rather than a cold, by now emotionally unattached fact that she slept with someone in the past.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (2 November 2015):
If you really can't get past the fact she slept with an average of one man per YEAR while she was a single woman, then yes you should end things. You have the right to decide what is a deal breaker for you, and she has a right to be with someone who doesn't judge her.
One thing I will ask you to consider though, is how important sex is to you in a relationship? I ask because I hear from so many men who expect women to be almost celibate for years at a time, then turn into sex goddesses when they meet them. When in fact, if she's a normal woman who enjoys sex (like men do, I don't know why you think we are different in that respect) then that simply isn't realistic. So while I'm sure there are lots of more 'chaste' women out there, there is a very real chance that they are that way because sex isn't actually that important to them in general. If you're ok with that then you know what you have to do.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (2 November 2015):
 I'm sorry that you have let her honesty affect you feelings. You can't accept who she is. You held an ideal, but her past behaviour has spoilt your impressions of her.
There is something important you need to know. A woman reinvents herself for every man she loves. Every time a woman truly and wholly gives her love to a man it is as if it were the first time. If this woman loves you the past has no meaning. Accept the love she gives and give love in return.
Always remember it is you she has chosen to be with.
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