A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all i really need advice. I have been here before and gotten the answers i have expected. but i cant seem to take them into action. I am just going to be breif about what all i think has played a part in our relationship.My husband and i have been together since the age of 16, he was not my first but my second. I was not his either, but he has always had a problem with that. We were good friends prior to becoming official so he knew all about me. At one point shortly into our relationship I spoke on the phone with an ex and did not tell him about it. He found out and I lost his trust then. I begged for forgiveness even though it was only a phone conversation and the reason i kept it from him was b/c i knew how he would react and b/c i asked the ex to stop calling so i did it to try to avoid conflict. I think i lost his respect then this was probably not quite a year into our realtionship.(still only 16 yrs old stupid girl) I stopped talking to almost all of my friends to be with him, he prefered it that way i think to have all my attention on him. I knew he had anger issues but never were directed towards me in anyway. At first it was a really great relationship i would say for about a year. We had very good times and were very inlove. Onetime at senior homecoming i got drunk and lost a gram of his weed, that was our first physical altercation. He squeezed my cheecks while i was falling over drunk asking where his stuff is, I was bruised the next day. I still went the next day to the dance with him putting on make up to cover the bruises. That was very early on and i knew i should have left then and even more so now. But i felt bad for him i felt like i could save him from himself somehow. We moved out at age 17 almost 18 into an apartment. We had major issues then and they were very intense b/c we were always together and were now alone. More physical abuse happened, nothing too sever where i was bruised and bleeding but he had me on the ground alot. I know he is strong and i know he did not use all his force on me. He later told me he did it more to scare me than to really hurt me. Got pregnant at age 19 and really did try to improve our relationship and lives. Got good jobs and a nice house to bring our baby into. the physical abuse stopped comletely but it became more emotional. He has spit in my face called me every name under the sun (his fav is POS which really hurts i dont know why) has told me I am easy , dead duck, loose and worthless. Many many things I have heard that many people do not ever even think of. Its really hard to sumarize this and alot of what has happened has no explaination and no reason really to have happened. He constantly is unhappy with me, whether it is not enough sex/BJs/anal or im not doing it right, or it could be the way i discipline my son or the way i nurture him when he is sick, or the way i dress or talk and act. I am constantly being corrected in my behavior and it is not constructive i think it is the opposite destructive b/c i always feel like crap about it i never get out of there feeling good or positive or as if i have learned something. He harrasses me verbally by calling me names, even wakes up in the middle ofthe night calling me names or telling me how horrible i am. I just found out i am pregnant with our second child. I had been feeling sick with allergys or a cold for a couple weeks and was very tired from that. Then the changes in my body hit and started feeling the nausea and vomitting and really just feeling exhausted, all i wanted to do for about a week was come home after work and sleep. He does not work and recently our son started school so he does not have to take care of him during the day either. He really has the whole day to himself to do what he pleases. I dont expect anything from him in regards to housework or come to think of it, anything. What i exspect is to be given crap for something, anything almost everyday. So i come home putting on an act to try to set the mood for the rest of the evening. I try to be the good wifey and cook dinner and clean up and try to have energy to go to the park or take a walk. and of course stay awake till midnight everynight ready and willing to have sex all the time. I really am putting on an act being so cheerful and trying not to make him mad for any reason. Most recently this past saturday, we went to a baby shower for a freidn of mine from work. There was a guy who used to work at the same place as I did there as my friend from work and him still keep in touch. It was probably over a year ago that this guy got fired and i had not seen or even thought of him since then. The guy comes to say good bye to me and probably 4 other of my friends from work aswell as thier sposes and mine. He was polite and shook everyones hands including my husband. I introduced him as my husband to this guy. Once he left, my husband, in front of 4-5 of my friends started asking me questions. Asking who that guy was, if i ever talked to him, why he said my name and did not say other peoples names, why he looked at me when we walked in the party earlier questions out of nowhere. After he embarassed me in front of everyone he left quickly. All my friedns asked me what the heck that was why he did that and thought it was totally out of line. A few mins later another friend comes to me to tell me my husband went out to the front to catch the guy and talk shit to him. the guy was there with his GF and son and he and i have nothing to do with eachother so it was out of nowhere for him. Later my husbadn came back to the party and started asking me what went on between me and this guy to which i said nothing that i dont even know him and only worked with him for a short time a long time ago. He then said the guy told him everything and i should just come clean. Then started ignoring me for the rest of the party litterally not speaking back to me when i spoke to him completly embarassing b/c people saw this happening. When we left all my husband said to me is " i know everything so just tell me whats up, that guy is ugly why are you attracted to him? b/c you are attracted to him makes me less attracted to you. said he was leaving me when we get home" i drove home telling him he is crazy and nothing has ever gone on and i have never done him wrong and i dont even know this guy anymore. he put on his sunglasses (this was at 9pm) and ignored me the rest of the night not speaking to me when i spoke to him and everything. He came and sat in this room and smoked. at about midnight i wanted to go to sleep. He still was not speaking to me as much as i tried to get him to and of course also giving him his space. I said if you dont talk to me then i want you to leave b/c i dont feel comfortable with you here like this. Like i said above he comes in when my guard is down and talks very ugly to me. So he chooses to leave ad of course starts his crying episode and says goodbye to the animals and to his boy who was alssep at this point. He leaves. I had a dream about hi shortly after i finally got to sleep and i called him then, called him the morning and all day sunday he of course did not answer me. I text him in the evening teling him his son wants to see him. his response was "thats all jr needs me, you dont ahve anthing to say to me" I said "no i dont, im done" he said what is your reason and i told him "he is and the way he does not trust me and is obviosly looking for a way out" he enevr responded. I get a call on the way to my first prenatal appointment today from him telling me he is in jail. I had to bail him out. He got arrested for being parked in a neighborhood sleeping and of course has pot on him. When he called he said it was my fault for putting him on the streets. of course it is. So i spent my day bailing him out, spending 300 bucks that we are lucky we had. and hwne he gets out he goes straight top his parents, hardly looks at me. They speak spanish so i dont understand everything, still i dont know what happened and what is going to happen next. Im going crazy and feeling sick just typing this out. He has again disappeared wont go to his parents of a friends is probablyu sleeping in his truck again.... he text me saying i will never see him again and he loves me forever. (he has always threatened suicide) Now I know there is far worse going on out there and sometimes i feel like im just complaining and i should suck it up. I have to get to bed, i am exhausted. Please anyone just tell me what i need to hear. Am i crazy or is this abusive and should i stick around? would anyone still be here after what i have said and beleive me this is not even half of it. Thank you all!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 I cant even believe you are considering sticking around, you should have gotten out of this years ago! He is an abusive man with anger issues, he treats you terribly and you must leave, for the sake of your own health and for the sake of the children. They need a happy, healthy mom who is full of fun, not tired, stressed and miserable mom who expects to be treated like dirt by her husband.
The main problem here is that you have been with him from such an early age that you dont know any different, and this relationship seems ok to you. You know its not great, but you have gotten used to it and are getting by.
But this is the problem - this is not living, you are merely surviving and waiting for his next outburst. There is a whole world of happiness out there if you can just be brave enough to walk away from him, you deserve so much better than this poor excuse for a man.
He has been physically abusive to you, and he is still emotionally and verbally abusive to you. You asked if anyone would still be with him after what he has done? If it were me, absolutely not, I would have left the moment he bruised you all them years ago.
You need to get out, and start fresh. He will never make you happy and you will continue this awful existence with an awful man - you can have a new life and be happy again, but you have to be brave enough to leave him. I know it will be hard, especially with baby number 2 on the way, but it will be better to be alone rather than to stay with this man and put up with his abuse for the rest of your life. You are still very young, there is a whole future ahead of you but only if you can be strong and walk away. He will only drag you down and hurt you, but if you take control then you can get out of this mess and start a new life away from him.
Speak to your parents, and get some legal advice - and then take action from there. And please, ignore all of his suicidal threats, he is just trying to blackmail you and make you feel guilty, it is all part of his abuse and attempts to control you. Get the divorce procedures started, get some legal advice in terms of him having access to the kids and providing financial support.....it will be a long hard road to go down but once the divorce is final and the access to the kids is sorted, it will be like a weight has lifted from your shoulders.
You can do this, dont be weak anymore and allow this to continue, you need to be a good role model to those kids and at the moment all they see is an abusive angry dad who treats women like dirt, and mom accepts it - this is how they will grow up thinking women should be treated. Be strong for their sake and get out of there, now.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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