A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody. Please don't judge me, I feel horrible enough. I just want some advice and opinions please. I have had a difficult last ten years probably. My father had an affair and as a result of that my mother and father divorced. They are very very bitter towards each other and can't stand to be in the same room. This has caused numerous arguments around Christmas, birthdays and any other celebrations. I am there eldest daughter, and I have one younger sister and an older brother. My brother now lives in Australia and has only visited one since, the month my sister got diagnosed with terminal cancer. My parents argued over who would take care of her and who would attend consultations etc. In the end I did everything to keep the peace. She decided to withdraw from treatment after a lengthy battle and sadly died in April. My parents even argued at her funeral. My husband of 4 years (together 11 years) lost both of his parents in a car accident 3 years ago. This was a very sad time for everybody involved and unfortunately I could not help my husband through this time. He turned to alcohol and drugs, particularly heroin. He stole from myself and family members, lost us our home and became completely reckless. Three times I stood by him through lengthy rehab stays but every time he shortly relapsed. I made the decision to leave him a year ago, after spending two years watching him not only ruin his own life, but mine and our family's as well. Our relationship was never 'normal' after his parents death, he put mine and his health on the line repeatedly, with myself having to get HIV and STI tested and always having to take precautions during intimacy because of his needle and prostitution use. Basically my life has never been 'normal'. I haven't got a single relationship in my life with any person that I do not have to be guarded and protect myself in. With my parents I'm on edge in case I say something that may offend the other, my husband I had to protect myself physically and emotionally. So here is my problem, and your probably going to think I'm a terrible person. I met a man in my local coffee shop around 4 months ago. I was stressed from work and couldn't face going home, so regularly went there for a coffee first. He started a conversation with myself the one day and we soon became friends, meeting everyday at the same time for a coffee and a chat. I was not (or I thought I wasn't) ready for a new relationship, however this man grew on me. Charming, kind, he made me laugh and smile and listened to my moaning. After many offers I eventually agreed to a date. The date went well and we started dating regularly. Everything was great until last week. We were at a restaurant and after a few glasses of wine I made a comment that I did not think anything of. We were discussing relationships, and I said all I want is a normal relationship. Where I don't have to be guarded or worry about anything, that I had enough stress in my life without any one else's added issues. I meant it as a compliment as he seemed so lovely and made me feel 'normal and relaxed'. He seemed upset by this, I asked why but he laughed it off and said he was just sad that my relationships had been so difficult. On the walk home however he decided to tell me what was wrong. What he said competely shocked me. He said that we would not be able to have a normal relationship, and that I would have to be guarded around him. He then told me he was HIV positive. That he had to be careful around partners, that we would never be able to make love without protection or have children the 'normal' way. My heart sank for him. He is such a great and genuine person, but my first thought was 'I can't physically cope with this as well' as horrible a person that might make me. It scared me and I think he could tell. He offered to take me to his specialist nurse so I could understand the condition more and if I wanted to understand what it may mean if I embarked in a relationship with him. He then said this is the point where most people ran from him. Not wanting to hurt him anymore I agreed to attend. To my suprise HIV is much better controlled and treatment is much more advanced than I thought. However, the nurse was very realistic and said I would be recommend to start prophylaxis therapy and all the precautionsI would have to take. So that brings me to this website. I hate myself right now, but I don't think I can continue this relationship with this man. I feel like I can't physically cope with something else to worry and stress about. He is such a lovely man and I feel like he deserves better than myself, especially after the way I have felt about his diagnosis. I haven't let on to him that I feel this way yet. I understand I am being very harsh and selfish by not giving this man a chance, and if he had not had HIV then I would of pursued a relationship with him. That is the honest truth. I don't want to hurt him and tell him this though, it is not fair. If I did not have such a stressful life that I spent worrying about different things then I would of probably giving this relationship a change. Right now however, I don't feel like I can add another thing I need to be cautious of to my life. How do I handle this?
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affair, christmas, divorce, drugs, hiv Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2014): You are being too hard on yourself. You've had a lot to deal with and you don't need the added stress, that doesn't make you selfish or terrible, it makes you human.
Just be honest and let him know it is more than you can deal with at this time in your life. It would be more than a lot of people could handle including myself.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2014): Youre certainly not a bad person. You've been through a lot, more than a lot. You do what is right for you. Your parents need a good hard shock and so you could consider cutting them out of your life for a bit, until you are rested.How good of that guy to be honest, there are guys, and girls, in this world who proceed with relationships regardless of their health and this guy has shown a genuine respect for himself and you. He's given you an informed decision and if you give him the equal respect back and be honest - perhaps you can remain friends. But this guy deserves your time for an honest and simple explanation. Of course it will be crap to be him too, his past must have it's story that's not far from yours - and for that I think you've met someone who could perhaps be a good friend to you, and would understand you. But if you haven't already, you tell him the risks your ex put you through and that at this time you are not psychologically ready to have to be so careful, because of the stress you associate with HIV - that links to your ex. I'm sure this guy will understand that it's going to take you time to move on.You need to put you first, think of your self and your well being. You can't become this guys support when you need to be looking after yourself. Xxx
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (20 October 2014):
 You're not a terrible person, do not think that way. You are a person who has been through overwhelming stress and sadness and you have tried to cope and go through everything the best that you can. I am sorry for everything that you have experienced, I have had a similar life the last 10 years and I truly do know where you are coming from. You just want peace, harmony and to feel happy and safe...not constantly worrying about something.
Tell this man the truth sweetie. He already knows what you have been through, so it won't come as a big shock. Yes, you dont want to hurt him, I can tell you are a caring person..but you know what?? Sometimes in life you have got to put yourself first. Really. Its not cruel, its called life and surviving. At 53 years old, I am just learning to do this for myself. Its a struggle for me, I like you don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone but now I am learning to think of me first.
You just aren't in a place where you can take on anything more right now. Its ok to feel that way. Tell this man the truth. I'm sure you can let him down as easily as possible. It just wasn't meant to be at this point in your life.
I hope things get better for you sweetie. You hang in there ok?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2014): Let him know that you are not ready to date right now, that you're not in a good place, that you want to be alone for a while.
You can't stay with him out of guilt or pity. So find a nice way of turning him down.
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