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writes: 13 years ago, I met a wonderful woman in University who has now been my wife for 8 years. We have kids (with another on the way) and are happy however recently, during a discussion she elaborated on a story of how she hooked with one of her past partners because of questions from me that have eaten me up for years.It turns out that she hooked up (she says once) with a guy she knew who and who was also a good friend of her roommate the day after our first date. She said that alcohol and the fact his mother was sick played into it and that it just happened and she regretted it immediately and that it didn't mean anything to her. The day after that we kissed and have been together ever since. My problem is that one, she didn't tell me until years later (even though she said she did.....definitely not even remotely close to this extent if she did!; two, when I asked her why we didn't sleep together on our first date vs. this other guy she said "because you were different and I could see it going somewhere with you" and because it just happened out of the blue stemming from drinks and dinner with this guy; three, for the last 13 years we have made the night our of our first date the biggest date on the calendar (next to our anniversary) only to know find out that she slept with another guy the next day which I always assumed that we both had been with no one else since that day; and four because she is telling me to just get over it. What she doesn't realize is that this breaks my heart.some might call me a baby however it has seriously made me think of our entire relationship from the beginning as she is the angel of my dreams and never thought that she had been with anyone else since our first date which just cuts so deep. I don't want to think this way but it has affected me to the very core of my beliefs and my entire relationship with her as the minute I remotely thought we could actually get together I never thought of anyone else and would never have jeopardized the possibility of us getting together. I have started second guessing her on how many partners we've been with (when asked she said she didn't remember until she counted which again didn't make me feel very confident. I know that she is pregnant however the fact that she is being somewhat insensitive by telling me to just get over it also really hurts. She has always been my best friend and I love her but my trust has definitely been shaken at the roots. I would like to know if I am off my rocker and totally overreacting as I can't stop thinking about and when the anniversary of our first date rolls around I think I will be a mess because she wants to continue making that day a special one, but the only thing I will likely think about is her and this other guy.Sorry for the length but i need some help. Can someone help?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): I think you are over reacting to be honest. I can understand being surprised and even a bit troubled and disappointed to learn this news but to be "shaken to the core " and re-evaluating your entire relationship to me does seem an over reaction. It does not have anything to do with you as you weren't in the picture at the time. Be realistic here. She loves you and has been a devoted wife. What more do you want? It sounds like you have jealousy issues. Jealousy is a form of insecurity. Your ego feels threatened. I suggest you confront your insecurities that are creating this crisis rather than blaming your wife for something she did prior to your relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Lying about having 10 million dollars is a big deal. But what about lying about having 10 dollars. I think the info revealed that she slept with another guy is closer to $10 than $10M. Because they weren't exclusive or committed yet (for crying out loud they had only gone on ONE date. Since when does going on one date mean you are now officially tied together. She didn't have a crystal ball). So saying that her lie of omission is equal in magnitude to the $10M is blowing it out of proportion. As for why she didn't bring it up sooner. Well did the OP ask sooner? Again would you think to bring up every small thing? How was she to know this would be such a earth shattering thing to him since she didn't do anything wrong. Everyone has a past from before they got involved with their current partner. If it is important to you that your partner not have slept with anyone before you then you should ask them upfront not 13 years later then get mad at the answer.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): Lets say I tell my girlfriend that I have 10 million dollars in the bank. Then I reveal this to be a lie after we've been married for years.
What is the problem? I haven't CHANGED, have I? I am still the same person she has been with all this time, aren't I?
Part of your partner's experience of you is what you tell them about yourself. If you change that story later, then you have definitely changed from where they are sitting. Lying about yourself is doing your partner wrong and you are responsible for whatever consequences it causes down the road. IT IS a big deal whether you like it or not.
I could argue that I don't think lying about having 10 million dollars is a big deal. Do I have the right to tell my wife how she gets to feel about that? My wife has the right to her own feelings about what is a big deal to her. (And for me to act like I didn't understand that the money lie would matter so much to her . . that is just pure bullshit. Its plainly obvious that I knew it would matter a lot to her. That is the whole reason I made up the lie and kept repeating it for years.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): "it has seriously made me think of our entire relationship from the beginning as she is the angel of my dreams and never thought that she had been with anyone else since our first date which just cuts so deep. I don't want to think this way but it has affected me to the very core of my beliefs and my entire relationship with her as the minute I remotely thought we could actually get together I never thought of anyone else and would never have jeopardized the possibility of us getting together. "You are certainly entitled to feel and act the way that felt right to you at the time, but it isn't fair to expect that she would have been psychic and read your mind and shared the same attitude about not "jeopardizing" a budding relationship with you (a guy whom she barely knew at the time), or even that being with another guy is even considered "jeopardizing" anything so fledgling and uncertain at the time.Just because YOU never thought about anyone else after the slightest remote possibility that you could get together with her, doesn't mean she is wrong for not having also thought the same. Look at the past 8 years of your marriage. that is what counts, not something that happened before your relationship began. It isn't fair to be focusing on one day before your relationship, and placing that as being more important than the last 13 years that she has devoted to you. That is sort of being self-centered because you are discounting and invalidating everything she has done for you, rather than giving her a break.If you feel like the last 13 years was a lie, that would be totally irrational. But, feelings are not always rational and if you just can't get over it, then this might be the beginning of the end of your marriage, I'm sad to say. I would suggest you consult a therapist rather than bottling your feelings up, because it would be a shame to destroy a marriage for something like this. It's not like she cheated on you or is abusive. She is the same wife she has always been. Yes she IS the SAME wife she has always been, despite your irrational thoughts. nothing has actually changed, except the way you are thinking about her now.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (13 March 2013):
Young people do a lot of things that they probably wouldnt do with hindsight and the wisdom of age. What happened then is not unusual. In fact maybe the fact that she had just met you made her happy and horny and unfortunately she met an ex with whom having sex was easy and it happened. You dont really know how often or exactly when. What I would resent is why she decided to tell you now. I would have expected she would know you well enough to know your reaction and realise its something better not mentioned. I think sex with exes during new relationships happens fairly often, and its quite possible your wife was tsken advantage of by this ex and part of his fun from 'having her' one more time was the thought that you would find out. Time will fade everything from the past. Focus on now and if she really has guilt issues try not to make them worse.
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male
reader, Cantremember  +, writes (12 March 2013):
I understand how you feel about this as I have been in a similar situation. And no, it doesn't matter if you were technically exclusive or not. This is not some trial where "proof" matters. You don't have a technical issue but an emotional one. Which can't be talked away with reasoning. You know she regrets it. You know she told you out of trust. You WANT to get over it. Your brain even tells you to just forget it and focus on the good things. But it's your heart that hurts and refuses to listen to your mind. So here is all you can do:Admit to yourself that you are hurt and that it will take time. That it can't be "reasoned" away, as this only leads to bottling it up, killing you from the inside. Admit to yourself that it is something you obsess over. That's right, hurting over the past is classic obsessive behavior. And that's the problem with obsessing, you can't "just get over it". The only thing that works is realizing you obsess over it and trying to actively think of something else instead (training your brain to not obsess) without dismissing the problem. This all is meant to help you deal with your emotions as that is the only thing you have power over. About dealing with the situation with her: talking is good.But let her know you need to talk and need a listener. It's easy for her to feel on trial during those talks so be aware of that and let her know that you want to work together. Stay positive, meaning tell her what you need from her (instead of what you don't). It's much easier for her to not get annoyed and feel blamed. Maybe be clear that you also see it as way in the past and would actually appreciate if she'd leave it there too. You have long accepted her as who she is. But that doesn't mean you need to hear about every dirty story. That's not part of accepting a person as a whole.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): Of course you feel betrayed. It's natural to feel that way when your spouse turns out to have misrepresented herself to you.
Your wife refused to sleep with you when you first met. She wanted to be "good girl" with you to make you like & respect her more.
But it seems she was not really that girl after all. A few hours later she didn't have reason to continue to play that role. She didn't care if this other guy liked & respected her in that way. So she tossed those moral values aside and jumped into bed with the other guy who she didn't intend to have a future with.
Would you have continued to date her back then if you had known what she did the next day?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): It's understandable that you're let down to know your prior image of your wife was not accurate. But, unless the two of you agreed not to see other people after your first date, it doesn't sound to me like she's done much wrong (other than possibly not telling you about it before). By celibrating your first date over the years you've bestowed it with special significance it might not "deserve". All relationships have ups and downs over time; nothing in this life is ever perfect.But, it sounds like you do have a very relationship. You have someone who loves you, someone who's been there for you for 13 years. That's not that easy to find.As a practical matter, if you do let this get to you, what will come of it? I see two possibilities: 1) you stay married but you let it eat at you and and cause problems in your marriage; or 2) you get divorced and try to find that elusive perfect relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): I understand this is a shock but to be honest I think she did nothing wrong and you're overreacting.It was after your FIRST date. Unless you two specifically said otherwise on that first date, it's common knowledge that you don't owe anyone anything after only one date!!! therefore I don't think she did anything wrong by getting with that other guy.Did she do anything wrong by not telling you sooner? well, seeing as how she did nothign wrong by getting with him, why should she "confess"? unless a situation came up that naturally brought up that topic - as it looks like it has now - I don't see any reason why you should hold her responsible for having told you sooner.I understand you've been romanticizing your first date. that doesn't have to change, it is still a significant date because it IS your first date after all.I'm afraid you are going to have to get over it since (a) she didn't do anything wrong (b) she can't change the past to suit you. But I wouldn't be so flippant as her as to say "just" get over it, as if it's that easy. You need time. Just try not to freak out, just sit with this for some weeks or months and see how you feel. If you're still having difficulty after a few months, then talk to a counselor.
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female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 Look, you guys made the 15th a special date. Can I ask you, on the 15th thirteen years ago, did you know the 15th was going to be a big date? No. You guys only decided that the 15th was important after spending some time together. She regrets it NOW because she only realised that the 15th was important after figuring out that you're a special guy. She didn't regret it on the 16th thirteen years ago because at the time, she hadn't forged a strong connection with you.
Can't you just accept that she's sorry? If she wasn't, she wouldn't have put herself at risk and told you. What more do you want? Do you want her to grovel and beg for something she did when she hadn't fallen in love with you yet? Something she did when you were really just a stranger to her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the notes and appreciate the honest feedback. I guess for me is that I can get over it but I think what is causing me the most stress is that we made the 15th a special date together and then years later I find out that she had been with someone after that date. Furthermore, the fact that she says it meant nothing doesn't make me feel better, it actually makes me feel worse. Why? Because if it meant nothing why do it and risk the chance of potentially ruining things with me, especially when she says that she knew I was different than other guys from the start. I know it was a lapse of judgement but I would have hoped, that the possibility of us would have been enough for her to say "wait a minute, I could screw things up if I go through with this." The other thing is that the next day we got together, shared some drinks and kissed. She told me the other night that even though she slept with him, it was going nowhere so I just keep coming back to why do it? After knowing her for 13 years, I know her not to be that type of woman at all but I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that she wanted to sleep with him otherwise she wouldn't have. She denies that and says it was the heat of the moment type of thing but that is completely foreign to me so I have a hard time comprehending.Either way, I love her and this will not change that. I think I have been very stressed and feeling a little insecure lately and moreover I never dealt with it when she initially told me this happened. I didn't ask the right questions at the time and buried it deep inside only to have it resurface recently. I didn't however know that it was the day after our first date. I think that is what really got me, especially considering she thought of me differently (as in a nice guy and someone she could be with) as I mentioned above.I am happy though that we are talking about it and I know she would be more sympathetic if she wasn't pregnant. Although she gets upset and annoyed (I am sure part of that is because she doesn't want to go back over this mistake and make herself feel crappy) but also because we have a family to think about. I am trying to be a dad that my kids can look up to and one that treats woman with respect and never taking advantage of them. I feel horrible about bringing it up now but the alternative was being gutted, mopping around and not extremely happy. This forum has been a great experience and I am thankful for all the replies.I will work on it, I know she chose me Nd I chose her. We love each other dearly and that will never change. Sometimes even men are vulnerable to emotions and this is an emotional time for us. But in the end I will fight because the only thing I know I can do really well is love her.Thanks.
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female
reader, CharityP  +, writes (11 March 2013):
Three things.We sometimes do things we regret when we are young. I was very foolish while thousands of miles from home and having a romantic crush. Was I bad? Maybe. Was I foolish and naive? Yes.She waited 13 years to tell you. I suspect she regrets it happened and now regrets she told you, because you sir are being a cad. Her act of telling you was an act of trust, and you have broken her trust in you, your feelings for her and her belief that you are a man worth trusting.What trust had you established exactly, on this first date? Might I ask why it took you 5 years to marry her?If you leave her, you will go from being a cad to an imbecile, at least in my book.If you are as good and noble a man as she believes you to be, you should fall on your knees, kiss her feet and beg her forgiveness.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 I agree in the spirit of principle with the other aunts, but it's not that easy. I understand how you feel.
Though you two weren't exclusive when it happened, I'd be heartbroken to find out that something like that happened. You found out that her view on physical affection was that it could be used cheaply, like an alcohol-infused band-aid for some guy. Of course she regretted it, but you didn't know that she looked at it that way.
Though it feels like it, your trust wasn't shaken in her. You can't just "get over" it, and it would be foolish to try. You two need to spend a lot of time talking things out, taking all of the time you need to tell her how you feel, hear how she felt, and integrate this new insight into her with your overall view of her.
She does love you, and she has been faithful to you. Don't tear yourself up obsessing over a count of "past lovers", because the point is, you are the last and final and she's given you more than she's ever given anyone else. She's given you her heart and soul as well as her body.
As for the first date being a big celebration, that's another reason why spending time with her talking this out is so important. I wouldn't want to celebrate it either at first, but there will be a time when you'll want to again, because no matter what, it *is* when the love of your life came into your life, and people's love sometimes have different paces.
When I met my husband, I was dating someone else, and for a little time, I dated both simultaneously. While I didn't have sex with the other guy, slowly I realized that I didn't feel for him the way I started feeling for my future husband. Maybe for your wife, the whole "I just died in your arms tonight" music with the angel chorus didn't happen right then, but it grew into that. That day is still to be celebrated. The other guy she was with was a stupid mistake by her, but it's part of the tapestry of her life. It became a shortcoming, and part of who you fell in love with.
Take your time to process it. Tell your wife it's not something to just "get over" and devote yourselves to talking it out. You going off and avoiding or distancing isn't the answer now, and neither is her telling you to "get over it". If you two handle this correctly, the end result can make your marriage and family much stronger than it did before. When a bone breaks, the scar tissue when it repairs makes the bone stronger than it was before. That can happen here with your marriage if you let it.
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female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts +, writes (11 March 2013):
You are overreacting.
1. This happened 13 years ago.
2. It happened the day after the first date. For most people, the first date doesn't matter until a few months/years later when they are still with the same person and look back at the first date with fondness. In fact there are a lot of discussions on this site about when a couple should become 'exclusive' and in a lot of those cases, it is weeks into a relationship, not since the first date. I mean... how can you be sure from the first date that you'll have a long term relationship? Why exclude yourself from other fish in the sea if you don't really know the person you've just been on a first date with? To really expect exclusivity from day 0 is a bit much...
3. She is with YOU and has been for the last 13 years. Think about it from this point of view. She got an easy lay with this dude and she STILL wasn't satisfied with him because she obviously isn't with him now, is she? No. The thing is, she chose you. She chose you because you're the better man for her.
4. She has shaken your trust at the roots. If you think back to the first date, exactly how much did you trust this girl you've just met? Did you trust her enough on the first date to marry her? To share your finances with her? To tell her all your dark secrets? The answer is NO because you didn't really know her at all. Trust doesn't just pop into existence from day 0, it's fostered. At the time of the first date, there really wasn't any trust to break, so it makes no sense that your trust in her should be broken 13 years after it happened.
5. If you really don't want to celebrate this big day with her every year, then tell her. And once you've gotten your wish of striking the date off your calendar forever, I hope you can finally get over it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Yep I can help... leave the lying skank. she tricked you into the relationship.
There, i've helped right? Is that what you want to hear?
let me get this right
1. it was 13 years ago
2. you have been happily married for 8 years with three beautiful children
3. you love her
4. she's your best friend
why in the world do you two celebrate your "first date"
isn't the date of the marriage more important
or the births of your children
or the first time you had sex?
This was something that happened before you were her special one... the fact that she is with you says how she feels about you... but if you can't cope with her not being your perfect angel then do her a favor and leave her.
Now here you go... think about this
you either work this through (get some therapy for it if you must) and deal with this past that you have no say in
OR
carry the anger and "heartbreak" and leave her... (and your kids) so she can move on to a man who can love her for who she is (and guess what, she hasn't changed at all from the person you met and fell in love with 13 years ago... it's not like she did this AFTER you guys got together)
I know lots of the RJ guys will call her skank and liar and cheater...but um... no she's not.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): I think that in a perfect world she would not have done have slept with him however woman carry an emotional quality to every situation that sometimes men don't. I can bet bottom dollar that this "guy" thought about sleeping with her more than once and he probably took advantage of situation as well.
Regarding the date, I can understand where you are coming from. In your mind, and to a degree hers as well, your first date is everything to both of you. Probably the worst thing you can do right now is change the date or say it means nothing. It does mean something and the fact that she says it does is because it does. It sounds she feels terrible about the whole thing and if she could take it back she would. But she can't.
She has obviously put it behind her and probably took a lot of guts for her to tell you as I am sure it was eating her up inside. The fact that she knew you were different and didn't have sex with you on the first date says more about her than anything else. She had feelings for you right away, even if she won't admit it out loud, she did. This guy, his situation and the fact that she probably liked you (maybe wanted one last fling or before she met you maybe she liked him) all played a part in this. I can tell you that because she even told you she would take it all back because what she did isn't worth it.
I know you are crushed because you feel betrayed and to a certain extent you have every right to feel how you want. If she felt anything for you she shouldnt have probably slept with him and put the "possible" relationship at risk and she should have told you right away when you started dating but she was probably afraid to at the possibility of losing you and you thinking she was slutty or something. Either way she made a mistake, it hurt you (it still is) but your family is most important. If you think you can't by it, go talk to someone. A friend, counsellor, shrink whatever.
Sounds like you are a nice guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and she is your queen. Sometimes truth hurts but it makes it better in the end. You will respect her more for it and your love will grow together.
At the end of the day you won big guy. Plain and simple. You won her and she loves you and the two of you have likely wonderful kids together so hold her, tell her you love and move on any way you can.
Best of luck,
Charles
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Overreacting yes, that's for sure, totally maybe not, in the sense that one can understand your disappointment at finding out that your perfect drean girl, your immaculate angel is a woman in flesh and blood like anybody else, who gets drunk, makes bad decisions, has the occasional one night stand.
It's a sudden fall from grace that may be a bit frazzling.
But, you can't really fault her for your having unilaterally decided to put her on a pedestal as someone who can't ever do anything even remotely improper. We are all humans , all to some extent " sinners ", as long as she has not sinned against you since when she is with you, it's not her fault if you want to live a fairytale and not a real relationship.
As for the technicalities, she has not done naything wrong. You first date ? But if you had not even kissed yet ! ( that happened the day after the other guy , right ? ) You weren't a couple yet , you were not official, you had not even started going out together yet, - all you had done so far was going out somewhere for drinks or dinner, I suppose, she did not owe you any fidelity, either physical or emotional.
Besides, bringing this up after 13 years together, a few kids and another on the way.... I mean, seriously ? What for ?
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Relax man. Really. Dont label ur wife as an angel. This holds high expectations and when she does somethin wrong it damages u even if its petty like this. Dude that guy is nothing. Hes like the 10lb dumbbell on my rack... Hasnt been touched in a long time. Shes right forget it. Plus the guy needed booze in order to get laid. Ur the real article n shes told u that n shown it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): I have a different view, she should have been honest frm the begining and now she thinks that its safe a marriage and baby its okay to come clean. Also not sleeping with you because your were different and long term - thats ridiculous explanation - she made you wait because you had potential and sleep around with those that just want to have fun.
I would also ask her while yourll are being honest is there any other critical information she forgot to mention.
I must admit its not worth throwing a 13 year relationship away but she needs to be honest.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 March 2013):
I don't see a problem here. Expecting her to tell you something like that is like expecting her to announce to you that her anus itches.
It's personal information and has no bearing on your relationship, not to mention it would make you think of her differently.
Don't get me wrong; I understand your shock since you seem to think you've had a fairy tale romance since then (I'm sure I'd be surprised to hear that about my wife). But shock or not, she hasn't done anything wrong.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2013):
 I DO agree with her to an extend - THIS WAS 13 years ago, how long are you going to hold her responsible for a MISTAKE the lead her to you and your relationship?
Yes, it was nonsensitive of her, but then again WHY are you bringing up the number of sexual partner when she is pregnant and hormonal? The fact that she didn't remember (in my books) pretty much means that YOU are the only one she really COUNTS.
Look at the relationship today. Is it a good one? Are you both happy? Did she not start a REAL relationship with you, did she not stick it out with you for 13 years? Love you for 13 years, bear your children?
Maybe you need to realize that you put her and the relationship up on a pedestal she she just wanted to get down and BE with you?
Let the past be and stop beating yourself AND her up over this. What exactly is the point of it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): well I'm no relationship guru but, she can't change it. She isn't proud of it, she most likely regrets it, she didn't continue it, and beyond hurt/torn feelings, it isn't affecting your life now. Yes you should move on, she's asking you to let it go, because if you dont...what can she do? it's been a very long time, so the feelings that are so fresh to you, she's already wrestled them away long ago...Sometimes we think in a compartmental way... when we are with one person, all we see is that situation, and when we change settings, we only can think within the context of that setting. until we become serious enough about a relationship to the point where it interferes with our thinking even in other settings. She didn't sleep with him in spite of having met you, meaning, she didn't weigh being with him against being with you, she didn't choose to sleep with him instead of you, it was just an entirely different setting. Perhaps you were more taken with her than she was with you on that first day, people fall in love differently, but what matters is how that love develops in the longer run. and look where you two are today! must have been some amazing date, sexless and all, it still managed to play a more lasting role in her life than other dude's 15 mins of fame.
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