A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girl friend are in a wonderful relationship for last 2 years. Only recently i found out through her emails that, she shared a casual relationship with a few men before she dated me. This was a long kept secret so i got angry and vented out on how i felt. however i know i love her and wont make this a big deal... i just wanted to tell her how i felt about reading all that. I was fine after venting out and i was ready to forget. however after listening to all i said, she felt very guilty and now she is unable to forgive herself. She keeps telling me, she will play under my thumb and just listen to every word i say. She is emotionally stressed and is not able to forgive herself. I consoled her that her past does not matter to me, but she is still not able to recover from her depression phase even after weeks. How can i help her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): Tell her you love the person her past has made her today and so you don't think she should regret anything she's experienced because it all taught her what she wanted and led her to you.
A
female
reader, Dazed'n confused  +, writes (30 June 2010):
Well, everyone has hidden secrets that they're not always proud to share...maybe you have something of your own that you regret and have kept from her that you can share with her to ease her guilt. This might be hard for you to do I know, but if you really love her and are willing to be selfless I think it could help her somehow. Everyone has a past, most people on earth have had casual relationships and it's not that big of a deal, we all make mistakes while on the path of self discovery, it's not the end of the world. It's not how you begin your life that matters, it's how you end it. Don't judge her, support her, and don't act superior to her. You surely have had your share of mistakes, remember that and let her know it, she will feel more human and secure. Good luck to you both
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 June 2010):
 I think you can help her by doing the following:
- Stop asking questions. Don't do any more 'investigation'. She's had a past she's not happy with. Let it be that: the past. don't drag it into the present by digging it up and examining it. There's nothing to be gained by 'confronting her' or demanding to know more. Don't do it don't do it don't do it. You'll just create more pain for you both.
- Hug her. Tell her that she's safe with you, and that she can be the person she wants to be. Be gentle, be considerate, don't let your own hurt about this (and of course it hurts you a bit) cause you to be nasty. She doesn't need to 'play under your thumb'. Let her be herself, tell her that you accept her now for who she is, and that you love her and care for her. And be that person. Mean it when you say it, and then be it. Care for her by focussing on today and tomorrow.
- Protect her. That includes pulling her away from dwelling on these things. If she starts talking about this, show her love and gently change the subject to the present, and to your two's future together.
You love this girl, prove it, help her by being strong for her now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): well, These were the relationships she never mentioned about to me. But i happened to ask about her male friend whom she was hesistant to disclose anything about. when i got suspicous, it was one of her one night stands that she had and never told me about. I confronted her on why she kept this a secret. She agreed it was a mistake and started bursting out in tears saying she hates her past and is shameful. I want to get her out of that "Shame" phase
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): Mmh those relationships were before you so why did u feel the need to vent anger at her??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): It strikes me that there is more going on here than meets the eye. Why on earth should she feel guilty of past relationships before she was going out with you? Why were you going through her emails? What did you have to vent about and why? Now you claim to be saying that her past doesn't matter, but if that was so then why did you have to bring it up in the first place? I think you need to give us some more background here.
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