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male
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*uancarlos
writes: My girlfriend and I have been together for a little under a year, and we have a fun sex life, with one exception; we have never had penetrative sexual intercourse, and she says she wants to wait until she is married. I do see my self marrying her, but not immediately, and the lack of sex (I am not a virgin) is driving me crazy. Any suggestions on how I can adress this? I don't really see taking a break either, as I really love the relationship we have. Thanks!
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male
reader, Monk +, writes (1 December 2005):
Be tender for an evening and then tell her you love her (even if you don't). That usually works. You can also try alcohol.
At least masturbate her to make sure she's not a glacier.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 December 2005):
 I know it's un-PC and quite possibly an unfair generalisation to say this, but I'll say it anyway.
A woman who makes sex dependant upon a ring on her finger is suss straightaway. Being celibate "until we're married" might seem a noble virtue, but as you're discovering, it can turn out to be as frustrating as imaginable for the other partner involved. Saving yourself for marriage seems only to work when both parties are virgins and happy to remain that way. Anything else strikes me (my opinion only) as power-tripping.
And it also makes me wonder if she might later decide something along the lines of "sex is for procreative purposes only", making an announcement to you AFTER you're safely married.
Under no circumstances should you marry this woman before you've had a long discussion about her marital and sexual expectations, her religious beliefs and any other contributing factors that have made her decide that she won't have sex before marriage. You need to be sure that her motives are genuine, and then feel confident that your sexual drives are sufficiently matched once you're joined in eternal wedlock... otherwise, you set yourself up for resentment and frustration for the long term.
As to how you can "address the matter", there isn't much you can do. She's made her position (if not her reasons) clear. You either agree, or agree to move on.
Sorry to be so blunt!
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (1 December 2005):
In life sometimes we have to make sacrifices for those we love and this may be just one of those times for you! I know it must be hard for you, but you have to respect and accept what your gf has said. Although you have every iintention to marry her one day and she may believe you, its not the same as being married. Your question is how to address this, do you mean how do you convince her to have sex? Well I don't think you should even try, just wait for her. Like you said you love her and don't want to leave her. Just focus on all the other postive things in your relationship with her and work on becoming even more closer which may make her more comfortable. You have to understand that to some people, and your gf being one of them, sex is for when your married. Get her to fully explain it to you, what sex means to her and all that so maybe you will have more of an insight.
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