A
female
age
41-50,
*lane Stupid
writes:I thought he was going to propose last night. We've been together for three years, and the hints he kept dropping were leading me to believe that. But he didn't. Instead, to celebrate our anniversary he gave me some chocolates and flowers. I told him that I thought he was going to propose. He said we have to love together over a period of time before that can happen. I questioned him about this. He denies having any doubt about us, but said "doesn't every couple do that", meaning they live together to see if they are compatible. He calls himself very cautious, yet denies having any doubt. I gave him the opportunity there and then. He insists that he wants to do things "the right way", and make sure we are okay as a couple before proposing? Does this sound like a normal thing to say? He says I'm his perfect partner, and I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. But he says I pressuring him, all I did was ask where I stand.What upsets me the most is that I would never willingly pressure somebody to do that, but a friend of mine literally gave her partner an ultimatum. He ended up proposing. I guess some people are just meant to be married, while others like me are fighting a losing battle. To me, giving someone an ultimatum is unfair. But it worked for my friend, at least he proposed! My partners parents divorced in a very bitter way, and since the beginning hes been cautious. We bought a house together and are waiting to move in for the first time. This is what he meant, he wants to wait until after this time. Is this normal?Then you have my cousin. Her partner was unfaithful emotionally, she found out. She was on the verge of proposing and viola! He proposed to her. This to me isn't genuine, but hey... She's the one who is engaged. I'm not.What are your thoughts? I'm getting depressed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Your cousin and your friend who got proposed to under dubious circumstances, are not to be envied. I think those are starting off their marriages on a possibly doomed path.
Your view of them is short sighted. All you can see is that in the end, their partners proposed to them. And maybe they are now married by now.
But realize that the wedding isn't the finish line or the end goal. Anything can and DOES happen after two people get married. Like, crap happens, leading to divorce.
Your best friend basically coerced her partner into marrying her. I know guys who proposed to their gf's under these conditions too. Those same guys are now married with kids. And they are completely miserable! I'm sure the wife was happy initially because she got what she wanted - the marriage proposal and wedding and kids. Her view was short sighted. But in the end, the guy isn't happy further down the road because he wasn't entirely on board with the whole thing to start. And if he's not happy being married, his wife probably isn't going to stay happy for very long either with a husband who isn't happy to be with her.
Your cousin who married a guy who cheated on her. Why on earth would she do that? Does she think that changing the status of the relationship into a legal marriage somehow makes a cheater automatically stop cheating? Does she want to simply be cheated on yet legally bound to him so it's harder to ditch him and move on with her life when she can't handle the pain of his infidelity anymore?
IMO, you are in the best position out of all of them. Because for all three of you - you, your best friend, your cousin - your relationships could be on shaky ground. In fact I think yours is on the least shaky ground compared to the others. But unlike them, you have less to lose if yours doesn't work out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): It seems odd to buy a house together when he is not absolutely sure if you are compatible. Living together is a sound idea but it would of been better to rent first. Has he told you a time scale in what he thinks is appropriate to know for sure. Obviously you dont have doubts about your commitment. Do not give an ultimatum because this could backfire. How ever i would ask for a time scale on when he thinks is long enough for him to know if you are compatible. If he doesnt keep to his end of the bargain you need to think long and hard if you want marraige or to live with the man you love for the duration of your life, without legal security. Marraige does not guarantee that you will stay together, nor does testing the waters living together either.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2011):
 He bought a house with you, so financially he's not that far away from being married to you. It is quite common here in Norway to live together for years and year (and have kids first too) before marrying. I resent the idea of having children before you are married, or buying a house together before married (with the responsibilities that follow those two you might as well just be married), however I approve of living together to see if you are compatible. He just wants to make sure that when he marries it will be a marriage with stability and strength. Nothing wrong with that. He isn't romantic about the idea of marriage, while you seem more of a romantic. Living together adds pressure on the relationship, and you get to see the less than ideal and romantic sides of each other, you get to see the boring and gray every day life, and you'll be quite literally on top of each other. Close proximity can spark fights for no apparent reason. One week he doesn't do laundry, and one week he's all into his sports/videogames, and one week you are on your period and want to do your thing as normally while he gets in the way and wants to have friends over while you are in menstruation pains. Such things can.. test the relationship. Better to be safe than sorry. He bought a house with you = he's in for long term seriousness.PS. My recommendation for living with someone, regardless of whom, is to spend as much time apart as you can. Because you will be seeing a lot of each other whether you like it or not. He'll be there.. always... Every time you want to peace of mind, relax on your own with a magazine and cup of tea.. he'll be there with his smelly feet and farts. So spend as much time apart as you can, or else you will both get fed up with each other. Oh, and do like all other rooming-housholds do: make a chores list, split chores evenly. Take turns doing dishes and cleaning the common areas, tidy your own messes, and respect each others private spaces.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): I can see where he is coming from I think personally it is nicer to be engaged once you are living together. He also might feel that once you are engaged then the wedding plans will begin and he might feel happier getting the house sorted before money is spent on a wedding.
What you describe your friend doing is not how most people would want to be engaged. Rather than worry that they are engaged and you are not enjoy your relationship and appreciate that yours is true and that means more x
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (10 November 2011):
 Sorry, buying property together is not the "normal" way to test your comparability. Yes, a lot of people move in together, but how many people BUY property before living together or being engaged or married? A small minority and probably one-sided too. This was a poor choice on your end. Do you really need a legal issue if he chooses to never marry you? And if he was as cautious as you claim, why would he buy property with you? That's a big deal and a big commitment with legal backlash potential. It just doesn't make sense.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 November 2011):
 Do it yourself. This isn't the 50's. If you want to marry him, ask him!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 November 2011):
 So why can't YOU propose. He may say no but then you have your answer...
You bought a house together with a man you are not sure is going to marry you... what will you do if he does not marry you?
every couple I know who lived together and then LATER decided to get married ended up divorced.
Couples that were already engaged when they moved in seem to fare better....
IF marriage is that important to you I suggest you straighten it out before moving in together.
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