A
male
age
41-50,
*urt and Humbled
writes:This will probably be a long post because a lot has happened in such a short marriage. My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years and married for a year and a half. I had a daughter with someone else prior to meeting my wife and when I met her, she made me such a better person and father. She was amazing with my daughter too. I fell in love so easily with her. Everything was amazing. I propsed to her just six months in knowing full well that it would be a long engagement. She was still finishing school and I was just starting to build my career up. During our engagement, there were lots of ups and downs. Mostly, all the downs had a lot of alcohol involved... we were young and dumb. I have never been physical with my wife. I have never hit her or done anything of the sort to her. But I did take my rage out on inanimate objects... i.e. hole in wall. We worked through those problems. She gave me another chance after chance. Right before she finished school, she got pregnant. I can remember some of the fights we got in then too. Like the fight about me not showing her enough love because I hadn't taken any pictures of her belly. And how she felt as though this was all just another thing for me because I've had a child already. We made it through those also. Six months before our planned wedding day, her dad was diagnosed with cancer of the lungs, spread to the brain. We rescheduled our wedding so that we knew he would be in it. So we got married in January 2008. He died in March. That was a really hard time for us. She had a closer relationship with him than she did her mom because of a bad divorce that her mom went through. After he died, her sister and her had a huge blow up of their relationship due to the work that needed to be done with all of his stuff and her sister's unwillingness to help. That of course got her mom in the middle of it and she felt as though she had no one else. While that was hard, I felt so more important to her then than I had ever felt. Then again, I still made my mistakes after that. I took a lot of things for granted with my wife. The fact that she was so helpful in getting everything done for my daughter, etc. The fact that she works so hard in her job. I'm a paramedic and I only work 10 days a month. But they are 24 hour shifts. Not too long after her dad died, I went out with a friend to a comedy show that she was doing a promotion for. Her and I got into an argument before hand and I just came to the conclusion in my head that, "I'm just going to have fun." So I got pretty intoxicated. After the comedy show, her promotion continued at a bar, so we went there. While waiting for her, one of her friends came up to me and we were talking. We ended up going to the dance floor and were dancing when my wife showed up. She said I was dancing provocatively and wanted me to leave. Her demeanor only made me more spiteful, so I didn't leave. In fact, I decided to dance with any/all of our friends of the female persuasion just to make her mad. I can honestly say that the next day, I felt worse than I have ever felt before, and not due to alcohol. I still to this day cannot believe that I did that... and neither can she. We went to counseling and I ordered a marriage program online that we could work on together. We continued counseling for a while until things got better. Then we (I) stopped. Things were back to normal in my mind. But in her mind, I still had not changed because I didn't stay committed to that and even the smallest slip ups became huge, like coming home after a couple drinks and a few rounds of pool on a buddies birthday, at midnight instead of 11:30. Again another explosion of anger from me. I didn't break anything, just yelled and we both said choice things to each other that we didn't mean. Again counseling, again things back to normal. Over the first year of our marriage, we had several small things that became big because when we argue, I feel like she keeps putting me down over and over and over with the things she says. She tells me all the things I do wrong and all the things I've done wrong and that I don't care because I still haven't changed. We go to counseling, I try changing something, and in her opinion I stop. In my opinion, she finds something else that I need to do/change. Like her calling me at work saying, "I don't know how long I can do this anymore," or, "I don't know how much more I can take of this." Over the last six months, she calls me with concerns that my job is making things harder on her because she has to take care of the kids by herself when I'm gone. Now, I work 10 days a month, but I do pick up overtime when she wants me to, but only on nights that I do not have my daughter. She doesn't like that she has my daughter when I am at work because "she doesn't listen to me and she is much better behaved when you are here." To change my schedule with my daughter would mean more court/attorney costs, and probably more child support... which would also bother her because of obvious reasons. I have offered to start school and work on getting into a different career but she doesn't want me to make a change like that and be miserable for giving up my dream job if we don't work out.So we separated. It was a peaceful separation, but it's really hard for me because I want to be with my wife. She went out with an old friend one night and I was at the house with our son. When she came home, I tried to explain to her that I am willing to do anything... change jobs, visitation schedule, etc. She kept telling me that she didn't want me to do that because she doesn't want me to be miserable and everything she said made it sound hopeless. She had been in an abusive relationship in the past and had actually even been beaten so bad that she was in ICU for a couple weeks once. She stayed with him then. I made a huge mistake and asked her why she would stay with someone like that and not want to fix our marriage. She wanted me to leave but I wanted to work things out. Long story short, the second inanimate object (wall) got broken and I flew off the handle again. Again, I did not touch her, just flew off in a fit of rage. The police were called by her mom, and she left that night. The next day she was telling me she was going to file for a legal separation. Throughout the day, I worked on convincing her that I would leave her alone, just not to do the legal separation thing. The next day when I got off work, she came home mid morning while I was repairing my inanimate object (wall). She told me that the doctors were 99% sure she had thyroid cancer. We went to luch and discussed that the legal separation was definately not something we wanted to do right now. So we started again working things out. I started working on my relationship with God. Things kind of fell right back into place. A week later, we went to counseling again to start talking about all of it. I hate conventional counselors. I feel like they drudge up everything going on past and present and don't really give any solid advice. I wanted to go to a Christian counselor, but she already had this set up and she had been seeing her already. After the counseling appointment, not a whole lot was said. We prettty much ignored each other. The next night, she went out with her friends. She was out until 4:30 in the morning, and nothing she was saying made sense to me. I let it go and told myself that she hadn't given me any reason not to trust her. The next day we went to church, then to a water park. Overall, it wasn't a bad day. We dropper our son off at her parents and went back home. She took a nap, I cleaned up the house. When she woke up, I was cooking dinner. We started talking a little about anything. I noticed she was having a text message conversation with someone listed with only their initials on her phone. I asked her who it was and it was her boss. Her boss is around our age, single, and has already been acused of having relations with someone else at her work. My wife knows a lot about this man, like that his last girlfriend broke his heart and he didn't have any relations with that particular girl at her work, but he was interested and got shot down due to her being in a relationship. So I told her I thought it was inappropriate for her to be having a relationship with this guy outside of work. She disagreed. That night, all of my thoughts got the best of me and I couldn't sleep. I woke her up and asked her if she was having an affair. She said no. I couldn't let it go and asked her to see her text messages. Then I found out that she locked her phone. Why??? When she showed me her messages, they all made sense with her story, but it still bothered me for some reason. The next night, she was again going out with her girlfriend. She took about 3 hours getting ready. Then she went out. Shortly after I got a call from a friend of mine saying that she was sitting down having drinks with another man at a restaurant. So I went and confronted her. It was her boss. She said that her friend canceled on her. So why was he there? Another friend invited him, and then she canceled was her excuse. So I asked her to come home with me. She replied by saying that I needed to leave and that she didn't want to go home to someone she doesn't want to be with. So I left. She came home with two of my friends as mediators. Again she piled it on thick about all that I have done and that I am so unwilling to change. Even my friends said they wanted to leave and they are the first ones to say to me when I do something wrong. I didn't get mad at her that night. I was just hurt and heartbroken. I didn't yell at her, I held my emotions when I introduced myself to her boss. So this time I really controled myself and when she asked me to leave the house I did so without a fight. Since that point, I did go on her facebook account and checked her emails and deleted a guys phone number which was rash considering I know the guy and he is twice our age and would never do that to his wife, let alone me. But I was hurt. Not an excuse, just a reason. I was wrong to do so. I can truly believe that she has not done anything physical with this man, but it doesn't help the feeling of being lied to and finding her having drinks with this man and confiding in him who knows what. If she knows so much about him, how much does he know about her/us.She has since filed for divorce. She says that I have done too much now. That I have put her in a position that she is scared of what's going to happen if we get into an argument and that she can't trust me. She says that I am psychotic/crazy for the way I act and how I searched her email. I've tried talking to her, but she doesn't care right now. I don't want a divorce. I am willing to accept what God has planned and turn it over to him, but it doesn't keep me from wanting to fix things. We went to a pastor at church and the way she puts things, he thinks I need to get on medication and talk to someone about where this rage stems from. I don't think it's anger. I think it's frustration from her continuously telling me what a piece of s*** I am for everything I've done and my unwillingness to change. I'm trying to just let her be and give her space, but she keeps the contact going for more than just our son, and we keep arguing. I'm trying to get into a psychiatrist or counselor and go in there with a purpose of resolving conflict in my life so if this goes through, I can lead a happy life... not to mention it will help me through all of this as I am definately depressed now if I wasn't before. I got my divorce papers yesterday and all I want to do is burn them and wake up from this nightmare. I want my wife back. Any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): I read this entire things an I swear I just feel bad for you. Your wife sound like (pardon my French) a huge bitch. Why would she tell you horrible things like that? It sounds like she's using you. I'm almost 17 and have been in a long relationship and believe me my bf an I don't hide anything. We have each others passwords for everything we do on the Internet and we can easily exchange phones. There should be no secrecy. You really deserve someone who appreciates you. I'm happy to see tt you were seeking God and that's always the lost important thing to do. My bf is a jehovahs witness and it's the best thing that could have happened to him. You should try maybe talking to a jehovahs witness cuz they make you feel so much better bout everything. I used to hate them but tHe rumors bout them aren't true. You should meet one yourself before judging. Don't let your wife take control of you like that. If she says she lobes you than let her prove it. If you love something let it go, and if it comes back it's yours and you should keep it forever I don't blame you for wanting her back. You obviously love her. But be true to yourself and do what's best for you and your children. I hope it works outs. With or without her.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 August 2009):
 Between you and her, who brought up seeking counseling and set up those meetings? What we hear to often "he'll never change" I believe is present throughout your whole time of attempting to. Understand, you can't fix a marriage on your own. It sounds as if she when to the counseling, pre-determined it would fail, therefore set it up to do so.
In a marriage, what separates inappropriate from appropriate? Often the uncomfortable feeling of the partner. I believe she stepped over the line with him, whether or not a physical interaction was pursued. It's not appropriate for an employer to develop this sort of personal relationship outside work with employees. If he's not doing so with all employees, it can be seen and has been ruled by the Department of Employment as favoritism. For this reason many companies forbid management to have outside relationships with employees.
You can't fix what she's not willing to partner in fixing. If you haven't already, I urge you to watch the movie "Fireproof" It is the best movie I've seen about repairing a broken marriage and keeping it strong. It really is amazing seeing how this movie plays out. Before you try anything to get her back, watch it. It'll help you see more than what can be said on here. It also shows some of the issues you're going through of wanting to make it work, while she's fighting from the other direction.
I hope everything works out for you. It's really amazing how inviting God to join what you're doing how things start falling into place. Take care.
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