A
female
age
30-35,
*ararara
writes:A saga, srry:A few years ago, on the first day of school my boyfriend "mike" and I met. He pursued me from day 1, and i turned down his efforts for three months becuase I was suffering from depression and was also in a quasi relationship at the time. He went on to date this girl, "lea", a few months later who was an absolutle nightmare. Drunk constantly, a pathological liar, self-harm issues, abusive, tried to sleep with his friends, cheated on him in the end...Much of this was due to her struggle with alcholism, which is something that i understand and do not blame her for, but she is also just not the greatest person regardless.They dated for about a year, and she broke up with him in november . Mike was distraught and creepily obsessed with her for a while, and their attempts to be homies just didnt work out. they would constantly defriend and defriend eachother on fb.In january, we started dating. It started off slow, and worked its way up. I knew he was sensitive about lea because he would bring her up at times randomly (RED FLAG ALERT) and call her a bi***, etc etc, and talk about some time she did something bad to him.it was clearly in attempts to seem like he was over her but he was still hurting, and still thinking of her. He'd always be getting txts from her, his internet history hadlike 38484737 visits to her page. I hated this feeling but I liked him a lot and knew it would be some time before he would get over the hurt.In march, he just ignored me. Stopped talking to me completley. Would hang out with me and flirt at school and then stop. It hurt so much, i thought i could never look at him again. I knew it had something to do with lea, which it did, as i later was told by his friend that he was waiting for her to come back. Doing my own investigations, i foundout that he was creepily still in love with her while we starting dating, asking her if she'd hooked up with anyone since theyd broken up, using me as a sort of leverage.It all hurts to this day, a year later. He started talking to me again after a month, and we became official shortly thereafter. We've moved on, been through a lot, but to me, she has haunted us ever since, popping in with texts and asking for old nudes photos of herself (sooo appropriate), drunk dialing him at 3 am, saying things like "i miss you", "saw you online the other day and meant to say hey". All seemingly innocent things but i can tell they're not.Mike says hes completley over her, and that he responds out of politeness.But i see her in his internet history, i see its beyond that.When he wasn't looking I unsubscribed to her on facebook for him, (bad me, I know) and last night I saw that he resubscribed to see "Everything"...which means he noticed.Which is weird.It hurts me and he knows this but he thinks its irrational of me to be hurt by it because he "clearly loves me" and "she means nothing". He doesnt know that I know as much as I do and in a way I don't think he is self aware enough to realize. I have no problems with his friendships with other exgirlfriends, who he talks to. I dont have problems whenhe has friendships with girls at all.This one is my only problem and she's EVIL. After all the hurt and insecurties and trust issues he has now due to Lea (and that I have now, too) I don't understand why he still is in contact with her... I understand being amicable and wanting closure, but this is beyond that. It's been over a year of relatively steady contact...Some people need to be dead to you.I've been caring and patient, had to stop doing certain things because he gets insecure, and enough is enough.Is it wrong for me to ask that he ceases contact with her, so that we can all move on? I trust him not to do anything with her, but I don't trust her or his subconcious feelings.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 The problem isnt that they are still in touch, because he isnt actually saying anything inappropriate (yes she is inappropriate, but he never says or does anything like that). The problem is that you know too well he still has feelings for her (subconsious feelings as you call them). Regardless of him cutting her out of his life, that still wont get rid of the feelings for her.
The only thing that allows you to get rid of feelings for someone is being single for a while (a few months at least) to really take time to mourn the loss of the relationship, get over not having him/her in your life and learn to get on with life without needing to look at their facebook/text them etc all the time. He still cannot function without seeing what she is up to, he is still hooked - so unless he takes time out from relationships, spends time alone and really gets over her, then there is nothing you can do to make him stop his feelings for her.
So in essence your only options are to either continue like this, or to break up so he has that time to be single and really get over here. Neither option is ideal, but the best thing for him, and you in the long run, would be to break up.
Sorry if that isnt what you want to hear - but forcing him to cut contact would not make the feelings go away. It would just push him into lying to you, he would probably find sneaky new ways to look at her facebook page, he might text her behind your back and delete all messages or change her name in his phone....it wouldnt stop the problem, it would probably just make it worse.
I suggest you talk to him and tell him how you feel - dont suggest breaking up, dont suggest him cutting contact, just tell him you cant carry on like this and she has had such a negative influence in his life that you cannot stand by and watch while she is still having this hold over him. See what he says and take it from there.
But I do think the best thing for him is to be single in order to get over her, however you run the risk of when he is single he might go back to her. But if he did, then that would show that clearly the feelings are way too strong for him to be with anyone else.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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