A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Firstly, I guess I'm mostly here to whine as I'm not really sure I've got a specific quiestion to ask.However, I will appreciate any thoughts you may have.I'm almost 33 years old and I'm in my fourth serious relationship. We're onto our fourth year in the relationship which would make this the longest one I've had so far with the others ranging between 2 and 3 years.I love my girlfriend to bits and I don't want to do anything to hurt her. I constantly try and be the perfect boyfriend and consider myself to be very thoughtful to her wants and needs.When we met she was very insecure and had recieved a lot of mental abuse in her pervious relationships. I took it upon me to try and correct this and get her to realise just how gorgeous and amazing she really is. It's worked out and now she's a very different person who acts and dresses with the confidence the person I met would never have dreamed of.However, somehow, the tables have turned. Now I have become the one feeling insecure and unloved. I do know myself and I do know a fair few facts about myself that give me every reason to feel very confident and good about myself;I'm well educated, I have good work experience and I am highly regarded in my profession in my area. I just recently got 3 job offers in one day and command a well above average salary. I consider myself well-spoken, curteous, open, friendly, knowledgable about many things and fairly intelligent. I have many close friends confide in me their troubles as much as they seem to simply enjoy my company. I am tall, in shap, have a masculine build and stature and a general confident apperance around other people. I know for a fact that quite a few desirable women find me desireable.So what's wrong? Well, for some reason I feel less than adequate at home. I feel like I'm constantly trying to please and feel like I'm never enough. I feel like every single day she has something to critizie about the way I am or how I do things. I've spoken to her about this and she gets defencive and claims that she doesn't mean it that way, that she's simply trying to help. Considering how she seems unvilling to change the way she talks to me I've tried adjusting the way I precieve what she says by thinking "She means it well, she's just trying to help". Bear in mind thought that generally she opposes very little. She never tries to forbid me from doing anything I may want to do unless it involves her somehow, in those cases she will probably want to have final say in the matter.Another issue that might contribute to me feeling the way that I do is the complete lack of sex. For about a year and a half now there has been very sporadic sex. I would average about once a month but even so I feel like it may even be less than that and certainly it feels like it's becoming less frequent as my confidence dwindles. It's got to the point where I no longer have the confidence to try and initiate it as for this time I've been shut down in more or less every single instance I've tried to. She has to initiate and she does so rarely. These past 3-4 months I had to travel for work and was away for about 2 weeks and then at home for 2 weeks. Whenever I got back from being away we would have sex and then not again until I got back from my next trip. I've been home (and will not be travelling anymore) for over a month and it's the same story, we had sex when I got back and haven't had any since then. I have tried discussing the problem with her in the past and to begin with she seemed to feel very ashamed about it and recognised that it needed to be fixed. I've kept bringing it up as time progressed and nothing changed and now she more or less flat out refuses to even talk about it. I'm at the end of my rope and quite simply about to give up.I'm prone to SAD and can get quite low during the winter months. These past few years though I've managed it more or less without incident. This time though, I imagine because of the added emotional turmoil, I've been coming down pretty hard. It mostly manifests in quite heavy drinking and these last couple of times I've been out I've gone way past the line and both times it resulted in very serious flirting with some other women. I regret this terribly because I don't want to hurt my girlfriend and I know that I was so out of control that very little was needed for the flirting to lead to something far worse. Yet somehow I feel this may only have been possible because of my dissatisfaction at home. Because of my need to feel wanted and desirable.I know this to be a weak excuse but at the same time it may well be a valid point. In any case I've taken note of my problem and I have started to deal with my SAD through the available therapies for it. I am also going to see a psychologist to try and deal with my emotions and I am sure she will help me deal with my relationship troubles as well. However, right now, short of breaking up with her, for reasons I'm not even sure I could articulate properly to her, her family or mine, I'm not really sure what to do about it.If you have any insights or advice, please reply.Thank you for listening :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): I am sorry to hear this. Thats nice of you to be there for your girlfriend and attempt to fix her when she needed you. I sure as heck won't try to FIX any man. if you have insecurities, you cannot put the responsibility of being happy on anyone other than yourself. Sure your girl can be supportive and be there for you when you need her but its your sole responsibility to find a way to deal with your insecurities and be happy. No one can ever make you feel insecure without your consent. Your girl is wrong for not being there for you, but in the end you have to take care of yourself. Also if you feel insecure, let this insecurity be your guide. Love should feel good MOST of the time. LOVE IS NOT PAIN. If you are in pain you are afraid and not in Love. fear is the opposite of love and they are a lot alike. when you are in love the feelings should be mutual, respectful loving and you should be on the same page. Most men in MONOGAMOUS relationships make love to identify and find intimacy with their sig other. Its not just about the act because its an act of love. And not getting this can make you feel resentful and angry towards her. Continue to seek therapy for your depression during the winter, I get like this so I sympathise. But if you are not feeling respected and loved, talk to her. If you can't reconcile, then break it off if you need to. You need someone who shares the same interests as you do including sex, there may be some incompatibilities there. Either way you have a lot of soul searching to do. Are your differences so much that you cannot find a compromise? Thats up to you to decide.
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