A
female
age
41-50,
*on1
writes:I have been in an on and off relationship with the same man for 8 years. For the first few years everything was great, we got along well, had the same hopes and desires for the relationship, lived together etc. The past 3 years have been hell, breaking up, moving out, getting back together, getting engaged, etc. In August of last year we split again and he "moved" out again. I was finally finished, and really ready to move on when in October he asked if we could try and work things out,he said " I love you but need to be on my own right now" we discussed him moving out and he was supposed to put a down payment on an apartment. I told him that if and when he did that I would decided whether I wanted to continue in an exclusive relationship with only him. During this time he was staying with a family member a few blocks from where I live. The one and only time we discussed him getting his own place was in October. I asked him to keep me informed about what his plans were and he said that he would. In December he asked if he could move back in, everything was perfect and I felt for the first time in a very long time that we were on the right track.About a week after valentines day he sent me a text informing me that his "apartment" was ready, I completely flipped ! I felt so betrayed, and used, and un-loved, I have never felt so terrible in my entire life, he came up with all sorts of excuses, and apologies, one of which was " I thought you would be happy" and " well I don't want to break up, I thought we would have two places" " I need to feel I can make it on my own" ... I could go on and on...He has been begging and pleading with me for weeks, to not give up on us so on and so forth asking me to come see his place. Give him a chance, He doesn't want to loose me and this is just temporary....I finally caved and spent the night with him,but I don't feel the same. Nothing feels the same for me anymore. I'm completely lost and have no idea what to do. He seems so sooooo happy that I have forgiven him, but I don't think I really have. I've been to his house a few times and him over to mine since. I feel like changing my number moving away and never speaking to him again. I have tried speaking to a friend about this and was pointed out that if I "END" things for good he will react as if I am "paying him back" Is that so wrong? I mean he did a really messed up thing. I feel that if I don't end things I'm loosing my self respect. I wouldn't mind maybe staying friends but at that level sex is completely out of the equation and I have already had sex with him. Any ideas? I'm not a vindictive person, I'm not raising his hopes in order to cut him down, I guess I just needed to see if anything was still there? Now I'm feeling bad but part of me feels like he deserves it! I don't even know how to discuss how I'm feeling with him, because I feel like he doesn't deserve my forgiveness, or anything with me at all. I cant keep putting up a front, I don't know what to do!!! Help advise desperately needed!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): I can really understand where you are coming from. You feel hurt, betrayed and used. I would be extremely annoyed if he had not told me he was buying a flat - it was one very behind your back. My ex husband was like this, would do things nd not tell me about them and would then choose to call me controlling because he felt he shouldn"tt have to tell me what he was doing. I think the fact that he was arranging all this behind your back would make me ultra resentful too. I probably would play long as well for the moment until I had decided what I wanted to do but I would not be able to forgive him easily for this. It is to my mind rather sneaky and would make me suspicious about what else he was up to. I am sorry but I would be very hurt and annoyed by this and I take note that you are not into retribution but I would be keen to pay him back for this underhand behaviour. I think I would play him along until something better came along but I would make the point of never going to his flat and never sleeping there to enforce the point that you were not involved in the decision making process around it. My comments are clearly very selfish but I would not like him for this behaviour and I would not be able to forget or forgive
on this so would have to act in this manner.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 April 2012):
 The relationship is doomed, it has too much problems and you guys just get together to break up again. You knew that things were bad enough for him to get a flat, your just upset that he's the one that's moving on and you want to leave him first.
There's nothing left of this relationship. He's not sure if he's staying, you don't feel the same. Stop with all these childish games. Finish the relationship, pack up his stuff, and forget the thing about being good friends, make sure you lose his number, and he should lose yours. He's being the sensible one here, you don't sound like you know what the hell your doing. Dump him and find another guy and a proper relationship for adults.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 April 2012):
 I had a man put my life on hold for more than a year because of living situation. We had been together 3 years. It was his decision of breaking up although he knew he could try again and again with me. I instinctively knew there are better men out there and that is what made me move on easier.
You know you are going to end things you just want us to confirm that this is a good idea. 8 years is difficult because you put in so much already but everything in vain. 8 years is still better than 15 years or more.
Don't delay a break up just because timing is not right, or things are not horrible enough, or you are already used to his selfish actions. Him staying with you is actually being cruel to you because he is not fully committed to you but is stopping you from pursuing men who want to get married. Of course you are the one in control of your life but your heart gets weak when he always exploits this weakness of yours to feel needed by him.
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