A
male
age
41-50,
*hattodowithmarriage
writes:Last year after 7 years of marriage I overheard my wife saying that she lost count after 100!!! And this was between the ages of 12-18. While I knew she had been with alot, I had asked her when we had gotten serious dating and said 20? 30? her response was "I dont know", I then said 40? 50? and she said NO!NO! So I assumed somewhere between 30 and 40. I was not comfortable with that at all, and I had been with 13 girls myself, but my love overcame the hurt I was feeling at that point. So we married and she had a previous child and we then had a son of our own. We had problems in our 1st 5 years of marriage she was still talking to an ex of hers (her 1st) and I caught her emailing another guy from her past whom she swore she had no relations, or even kissed, but then why would she deny talking to this person? She lied to me about being addicted to pain killers and left me 3 times over the first 5 years, in which I begged her to come back. So I have developed trust issues with my wife and its very hard regaining that trust because I feel our marriage was based on a lie from the start now and yes I feel that this is something I needed to know about before we married especially since I had asked and she didnt tell the truth and lied about her number. She chose that past and she should have to face the consiquences of whether I could have handled it or not. However, had I known the truth I do not think I could have gone through with the marriage and knowing what I do now makes me feel as though I was suckered into marriage and now that we have kids I feel locked in. I hate feeling that way but I just cant seem to look at my wife the same way any more and I lost so much respect for her, because I just cant imagine how some one could do that to their body. Sex has almost no meaning anymore, because I don't feel like I'm special to her, or like she see's herself as a gift to me when its been "given" to so, so many. I know its rough, but I pray daily for God to heal my wounded heart and help me forgive my wife and it helps to know that I'm far from perfect and have my own sins, but I know God put us together for a reason and again had she told me the truth I probably would not have married her(99.9%).I had thought I was getting better, but the past few weeks I'm really thinking I'll never get over this and be able to be In Love with my wife again, even though I'll always love her. And to me that's not fair to her, nor to me, but I just don't know how to, or how I would explain divorce to my kids and I wouldn't tell them exactly why, but I just don't want anyone to suffer, but again its not fair for me to suffer, nor do I feel this is my fault if I cant get over it, because she lied to me when I specifically asked her the # question (I remember the night very specifically). I'm very confused and am really happy with the way she's turned out, but our marriage was all based on lies!!!
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male
reader, kingofpain +, writes (22 December 2008):
My wife hasn't been with near as many, but I fully understand what you feel. The thing that you said that really hit home was "she didnt tell the truth and lied about her number","I feel our marriage was based on a lie from the start",and " She chose that past and she should have to face the consiquences of whether I could have handled it or not. However, had I known the truth I do not think I could have gone through with the marriage and knowing what I do now makes me feel as though I was suckered into marriage and now that we have kids I feel locked in. I hate feeling that way but I just cant seem to look at my wife the same way any more and I lost so much respect for her, because I just cant imagine how some one could do that to their body. Sex has almost no meaning anymore, because I don't feel like I'm special to her, or like she see's herself as a gift to me when its been "given" to so, so many.
There are definately some similarities in our relationships with our wives. Although I never asked my wife about her past and she has only had fourteen sex partners(that I know of), there may be and probably are more that I don't know of). Without ever having asked, my wife volunteered the information that she had only had sex with two others prior to me. For a fact, I had only had sex with two others prior to my wife. E-mail me at [email address blocked] if you care to talk. I've been there brother.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 November 2008):
 I think it is fair to say she was having emotional troubles in her youth that led her to this behavior. As said, having sex with your boyfriends friend because it is his birthday and he asked, well. That is not exactly what a normal person would do.
She has her past, and she probably had reasons why she did them.
Then she got past it. Got married to you and I presume things changed. She stopped right?
So, who do you judge, the girl perhaps desperate for any type of affection and finding sex the way to get at least some attention, or your wife for seven years?
They are two seperate people. Lets be honest, you had with 13 girls. Where do you draw the line? A lot of people would say 13 means a LOT of sleeping around considering the ages involved.
What do you think those 13 girls told their current boyfriends about you? Did you care what number you where in their list?
Yes, a 100 is a lot. Yes accepting your partner had such a past can be hard and I certainly won't pretend I would be able to accept it but you got a simple choice. Accept her for who she is or reject her for who she was.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): PS: From your words, she didn't lie to you, but you have lied to us. You asked your questions, and then made your assumptions, no lies were told by her at all...
"While I knew she had been with alot, I had asked her when we had gotten serious dating and said 20? 30? her response was "I don't know", I then said 40? 50? and she said NO!NO! So I assumed somewhere between 30 and 40. I was not comfortable with that at all, and I had been with 13 girls myself, but my love overcame the hurt I was feeling at that point. So we married" Original post...
You knew when you married her she had a lot of lovers, and now you choose to be resentful, when you knew about it all the time. She couldn't give a proper number, because she didn't remember. You sir are trying to slander your wife, and you refuse to take responsibility for the choices you make in your life, that is the problem, nothing to do with her past at all...
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): Your using your kids as a shield. It won't help them if you are unhappy or their mother is unhappy, they learn about good relationships from their parents and if you two don't get along, it is worse than if you divorce and find new people to love. Many millions of couples all around the world, divorce and remarry and their children are very happy.
This isn't about her either, there are millions of women in the world who were former prostitutes, drug addicts or treated sex cheaply. Again, they managed to find nice, kind, non-judgemental partners, who have made their own mistakes and can expect mistakes in others. You talked about her past before you married her, you knew she had lovers, and now you are crying over spilt milk. You asked why she lied, but I denied she told you any lies. By her admission she didn't mind having sex, and she didn't keep count of all her lovers.
I find it funny when men get upset about this, do you know how many men would think that 100 women a year was a little too low. If women were to think like you, nobody would get married, many men are promiscuous and can have sex with a different woman every night. (365 days in a year)
Yes you married the wrong woman, but she has done nothing wrong, she lived her life, she made her choices, and you have made yours. You keep talking as if you have no choices, but you do, nobodies trapping you or trying to force you to stay. You choose to keep your body sacred, she choose to have fun. You choose to stay and complain, she's left you already and you begged her to take you back.
THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM, NOT HERS. It's her past, it wasn't important, she can't even remember some of the guys, or there names. It is you who dreams about them, it's you that remembers. She doesn't because she lives in the present, accepts the past is the past, and gets on with her life. Go counselling, or find a Buddhist teacher, who can teach you how to deal with your emotions, how to accept the past is past and move on. Or divorce her, and find somebody else with a more quiet past, that you can accept and don't find so disgusting.
You make choices in life, you choose to get married, you choose to stay, you choose to judge her, you choose to keep thinking about her past and her other men. These are the choices you make. She chooses to forget, she chooses to move on, she chooses to stay faithful to you, she chooses to be a mother and a wife. If you divorce her, she'll understand, and she will choose to move on to find a more understanding guy.
At the moment, you choose to stay in hell, you won't forget, you won't get help, you won't leave, and you don't want to stay. Your stuck, you curse and blame her for ruining your life, but she hasn't. She has lived the life she wanted to, the only person that is hurting and suffering here, is you. Make some choices, take ownership of your problem and get some help to deal with it. We can't change people, we can only change ourselves, but here you are trying to move heaven and earth to change a past that is already gone. Emotional masturbation, that's what you are doing, you are allowing these thoughts and emotions to take over and ruin your life, you refuse to take ownership and keep looking for somebody to blame.
ACCEPT THE PAST, ACCEPT THAT IT'S GONE, AND MOVE ON, OR DIVORCE. IT'S YOUR PROBLEM NOT HERS. She has nothing to be ashamed of, she hurt no-one, she just had fun. You sit here and judge her, feel disgusted of her, like you are God on high. From my view, you are the one who should be judged, what joy and pleasure have you brought into the world. Accept, Get help, or Divorce. Three options for you to choose, but I guess you would rather stay and torture yourself and her, I guess that's what you might call fun.
PS: I know I may sound harsh, but at 30-35 you are a lot younger than me, and I can't understand your problem. The culture in Britain and Europe is very different, there are not that many men who suffer your kind of torture, probably because they understand that men and women are equal, and both like to have sex a lot. It seems to be tied up with your virginity problem, we know longer value virginity so highly over here. I wish you get help for your problem, but from where I'm sitting, it dose sound like a lot of noise and emotion about something that can't be changed. You have only one life to live, why not forget about suffering and concentrate on happiness for once. What would make you happy, what could you do to bring more joy into your life. Well concentrate on that, instead of the dead past and things you can't change. On your death bed, all you will have to look forward to is a lot of wasted time being unhappy, bitter and resentful. Don't you want more for yourself than that. How would you like to remember your own past, well live the way you want to die, live the life you free choose.
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A
male
reader, whattodowithmarriage +, writes (4 November 2008):
whattodowithmarriage is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked the question when we were dating, because we where getting serious and I needed to know a few things about her. She lied and then 7 years after we were married I over hear her telling her friend on the phone "I dont even no how many, I lost count after 100 and barely knew half there names". The dagger that stabbed me in the chest that day has been there ever since and the sad thing is I know it will always hurt and I'll never get the images completely out of my head, because her past is a part of me now. I know if I didnt love my wife I really wouldnt care, but I do love her and just think its not fair for me to not be able to treat her the same again and its not fair to me, because its not my fault, she lied and I told her that had I known the truth I wouldnt have been able to marry her. She owed it to me to tell me the truth and face the consequences of her past choices and whether I could handle it or not, but I wasnt given a fair choice. Would you guys marry a woman, who said she was basically a prostitute(her words)? A woman who says she was pimped out for drugs, alcohol,...etc.? A woman who told me the night I found out the truth she slept with her boyfriends, friends because it was one of his Bday's and her boyfriend told her to? Those are the images I fight in my head every second of the day now in a constant battle.But I told her yesterday, that I feel Im screwed either way in this. If we stay together and hopefully the images and mind battle subside, hopefully we can make it work at least for my kids. However what happens when the kids are grown and move out and its just the 2 of us? Or divorce and screw up my kids lives, because of this mess? Im not looking for the easy way out by any means Im just trying to do the right thing for Myself, My wife and our kids.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): WHY oh why do people ever even ask this question. If you think you won't like the answer then don't ask. Why does it bother you so much anyway... out of all those men you're the one she chose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): This problem comes up regularly on Dear Cupid so you are not alone.
Here is a discussion from two of our uncles who have actually managed to deal with the situation and move on...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Here's another one, please read the top answer from the anonymous lady, she gives an explanation about it from the woman's side..
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/before-me-my-wife-had-a-real-wild.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Sex is a very important part of a relationship, as to a lot of people sex is the ultimate expression of love something that you share with them. But when people give it away so easily what meaning is there left? Especially if it's your partner who did and and you are the one who values it. You keep thinking how worthless you are and the fact that it doesn't mean as much to her as it does to you, for it to mean anything for her you have to constantly compare yourself to her past.
Now after seven years your pretty much thinking what was the whole point of the marriage? You're doubting the specialty of your relationship as you start doubting her degree of love for you and you don't see your relationship in the same way again.
I really don't see a point in you staying in this relationship. You'd be better off with someone with the same values as you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Sex and love are very different things for some people. For you it may be something sacred, for her it might be more about feeding a need that is as natural as eating. You've been married for 7 years, she left you and you begged her to come back. She can't use her child against you, that's not fair, you are only trying to find excuses to attack her and put her down. That child was hers, not yours. If you decided to marry her to stay in the child's life, then you made a freely conscious decision and there was no manipulation at all.
Nobody has forced you to suffer, and your wife hasn't lied, she just didn't give you any details, and that is her right, her past is her business and not yours. I believe that love is not possessive, I have no right to judge a persons past life or the mistake they have made. To me love is unconditional, kind and patient. Maybe as you say, you just don't love her enough. You choose to suffer, well, if you won't go to counselling to fix your jealousy issues, and your judgemental nature, again I suggest divorce. You may feel as if you don't want this woman, but I can assure you there are thousands of men who will not mind. She's had a 100 lovers, that means she attracts men, and won't be single for long. If you will not accept and forget her past, but feel that you have made a mistake, well then leave her and the kids, as I said, she won't be single for long, and you will probably find a partner with less experience who suits you more than her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Hey there friend, this is not your first time posting this. I know, because like you, I am dealing with a similar situation and have read over probably every post here on dear cupid. Anyways, I doubt you will get any new opinions here. I did stumble across an interesting approach to this subject by an anon poster, though I am not sure how reliable it is.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-pain-will-never-stop.html
It sucks man, I am torn between ending it or continuing it, constantly. One week I am ok, the next - not so much. 100 men is a lot to deal with. And why was she even talking about it? Was she bragging about it? I dont get it, I would think it would be something to be ashamed of. Honestly, I couldnt do it, not to say you cant, but... Is it really worth all the guilt?
Your children dont need to understand everything, just that you and your wife dont agree on everythingt that married couples should. Unfortunately, you have a lot of ties with this woman.
I don't know man. Fight it all you want, but it might be better to just drop the ball on this one.
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A
male
reader, whattodowithmarriage +, writes (3 November 2008):
whattodowithmarriage is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI fell in love with a little girl (her daughter) who had recently been born when we met and she grew up calling me daddy. I found it hard to want to leave her because I had assumed the father role for her child and she in a sense used that against me to convince me to marry her as well. I always wondered if she loved me, or thought she could learn to love me because what she was going through with her ex at the time. As far as my previous partners, they never really meant anything to me and I never had a real relationship(girlfriend longer than a few months) until my wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Go Counseling babes, and try to sort your head out, or get a divorce. You need to concentrate on the present, the past is making you unhappy. If you divorce her, you may find somebody who has slept with less men, but whether you love them in the same way, whether they love you as much as she dose, well these are things you will never know. Go and see a counselor and try to get your head straight and focused on your marriage again. But if you cannot forget and accept, then get a divorce, but you may find that you miss her, your children and the comforts of married life. Your choice, because the past cannot be changed, I'm afraid.
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male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (3 November 2008):
 That's a tough pill to swallow. That's for sure.Its funny. I've only had two girls and my fiance has been with 13 men and I'm going through the very thing you are. I guess its all relative. I'm sure if you and my girl were married you wouldn't have a problem with it like I do.In that same vien. I'm sure if I had slept with 13 women, I'd be much more appreciative of my fiance and less frustrated by this whole number of partners issue.I guess my question to you is this. Out of the 13 women you've been with, why did you choose your wife to marry?Was it just time to settle down or did you see some quality in her that trumped the 13 others?Why out of the hundreds of men your wife has been with did she pick you to marry out of the 100 or so others?
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