A
female
age
51-59,
*16004
writes:I really need some advice... I feel like my boyfriend is pulling away. we've been seeing each other for almost a year and things are wonderful when we're together. Currently we live 3 hrs apart, but we talk daily! The problem is his wife! They are legally seperated- but she WILL NOT sign the divorce papers that he filed 5 years ago. From my understanding of their realtionship, it has never been 'HEALTHY'. Alot of arguments and cheating- she would kick him out and move another guy in. She's done this twice in their 10 yr relationship, and they weren't 'short-term boyfriends'.(she would move other men in while he was 'removed'.) The last time she kicked him out,(he was sent away for a few yrs) she moved another guy in the next day and managed to get pregnant-she had the baby and now 6yrs later, she wants him back! Conviently, she starts having problems with the current live-in (father of the last kid)( and she moved out-so for awhile she was living with friends.and of course my BF is going to worry about his kids) He knows what she's doing-using the kids to tell him/ask him if he's getting back with her. I know he feels loyalty to her, because she's the mother of his 2 kids, but still- it bothers me! He says that I have nothing to worry about- but obviously I wouldn't be here if I didn't feel like i did/do. Do I love him? Yes. Do I feel threatend? Yes. It feels like he's becoming distant. He still calls me everyday, but I can feel it. And with the holidays upon us, it's affecting him/us more. I don't want to push, and start demanding answers. (he says that he will tell me if/when I need to worry-sarcasm) So what do I do? I have kids, I know how the pull of the mother can be...but still-why not sign the papers- after 6 years wouldn't it be better to let it go?! Advice please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): Well, he still has three more years of child support till the fifteen year-old becomes eighteen. But, it does not end there, as all parents know. He probably knows what he is facing. I don't know his financial status, but I can imagine that is a major concern. I don't know that he or his "wife" are involved in the kind of games I mentioned in the other post, but it does sound suspicious. I apologize if I was off base. I do empathize, and hope can work your problem out. I am just at a loss as to what to advise. I am tempted to say chuck the relationship and find yourself a free guy who has the kind of life he can share with you. But, what do I know? I am just a free guy with lots of life and time to share...(lol!).
A
female
reader, 216004 +, writes (26 November 2008):
216004 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers/advice. It's exactly what I would say to someone if they threw this at me. Actually, I would be more the "are you nuts-kick em to the curb!" It's just hard when you're the one in the situation. His 'wife', reminds me alot of my ex husband, and he was a head-case. We would split up and then he would do the 'I can't live w/out you'-'I'm going to kill myself'-and the ever popular..'But I love you,& I don't want to be alone!" Yeah, my ex is a head case, and that's why I see the BS she's doing! His kids with her are 18 & 15, well beyond the 'mommy & daddy pleez get back 2gether so we can all be a happy family' phase!(And almost done with the child-support payments.) With the Holidays upon us & in a few months he will have his freedom back (he's only semi-free now) she's really workin it/the kids. While he was 'gone' she brought his kids to see him once in 3.5yrs. and when he started getting closer to the door...she would start bringing the kids again,(and the one she had with someone else, even tho she knew it bothered him!)and of course she starts to 'have problems' with the current live-in/father of her last kid! I always thought the state we lived in was 'no fault' divorce, I know -I'm divorced! He's a good man, and a great dad...everything I want for myself & my kids...(even with his history/record) If only she would realize she needs to move on. He says "he loves her, but he's not IN LOVE with her"-(that bothers me)& that "she's family". I don't know- I dont want to lose him, after a year I've got alot of feelings invested into this. I just wish he would pull his head outta his a$$! Today is the first day that he's not answering his phone and it's going to vm. I don't want to say anything-(cuz I hate it when people push me) but I'm nobody's door mat either. Thanx again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): In the UK you don't have a choice about signing divorce papers, it all boils down to irreconciliable differences and this can be anything even something as stupid as the wife putting the teaspoons away in the wrong drawer! I am tempted to say he is stringing you along because even if the wife didn't want the divorce the husband could easily divorce her whether she likes it or not especially after so long. There is more to this than meets the eye and this guy and his wife are still close even if he acts differently saying his contact is all about the children. I think an ultimatum is in order and if he still prevaricates, move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): 216004, I am tempted to call this a bogus question; something like those who say, "I haven't had a period in four months and I have this big swollen tummy...Could I be pregnant?" Your scenario is a little strange. With the activities you describe on the part of the wife, he would have little problem getting a divorce...whether she was willing to sign any papers or not. He is lying to you. He does not want a divorce. It sounds like one of those "open marriages" you hear about but don't really know about. They do exist, and you are one of their "patsies". There are people like that out there, kiddo. Some like threesomes and even foursomes. Yours apparently just like the freedom to do their own thing. She probably gets her kicks from his stories about you and him in bed. Dump this creep, hon. You don't don't stand a chance with him. He is never going to "leave" his wife and kids and take on you and yours. This "couple" is taking you for a ride. They are a low form of life and you don't want to be a toy in their game. I am very serious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): My advice is that let him finish his business with his wife, and give him his space. He is obviously going through some stuff...even though they are separated. I know it bothers you, but you must be supportive to him during this time, and dont put any pressure on him, Encourage him to discuss it with you when you guys have the opportunity.
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