A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started dating a guy 5 weeks ago.he was going out with a girl on and off for nearly ten years, they broke up nearly 8 months ago. he lives across the road from me also. we spend the first few weeks together stayin up for hours chatting. got on so well and he made all the moves and it was up to him how fast things progressed. we talked about the future, told me i would make a great mother some day and we both love kids. he is 30. i am 24. he is a genuinely lovely, shy, caring guy. we slept together for the first time 2 weeks ago and it was wonderful. he rings every day and texts. then a few days ago we met up as we always do and out of nowhere he says his head is all over the place, that he needs space that things were movin so fast. i was upset so i said ok i know where you are comin from - so i said we will leave it. then he said do it might hyst be a few weeka that he needed to get his head together. he also asked could he still ring me and when i said no he looked shocked and upset. he was in a very bad way about it - couldnt even sit next to me.i just left. i am so confused. is he worth waiting for or should i just move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): I think it's time to move on. 8 months is not a very long time to move on from a 10 year relationship, I think it might have been too soon and you caught him on the rebound.
It sounds to me like you both are in different places in your lives, while you seem ready and able to commit to a relationship he does not, in my experience that kind of thing doesn't change soon enough, I've never been able to "slow down" a relationship and make it work because feelings, wants and needs move at their own pace.
Sounds like he has formed bad habits from that last on/off relationship, he wants to clear his head yet he also wants to keep calling you? That doesn't make sense, no wonder you're confused, you were right to tell him he couldn't keep calling you because otherwise you'd just be left hanging, by not saying yes to that it means you didn't allow him to put you on the back burner to call you when he feels like it.
"I need space/time" "Things are moving too fast" These are red flags and have, for me, always meant the slow death of a relationship. Good Luck with this, whatever you decide to do be careful you deserve better than to be just picked up and thrown away on a whim.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 You have only been dating him for 5 weeks, and it seems to me you both rushed things a bit. Talking about the future and kids in an abstract way isn't a bad thing to do, just to make sure you're both on the same wavelength. You wouldn't want to get serious with someone who doesn't want kids at all when you know you do for certain, for example. But talking about these things in abstract is a lot different than saying, "I want to have a future and children with you." At only 5 weeks into dating, that is way too soon to know if he is "the one."
I'm not saying it's your fault, but you didn't set any boundaries for him, and my guess is that he assumed you were fine with whatever he decided he needed to do. You surprised him when you finally did set a boundary, one that cut off all contact with him.
Both of you were extreme in one sense or another; he was extreme for pushing things along too fast with you and then confusing himself. You were extreme for insisting on no contact; granted, you were upset, but upon reflection, you might have recognized it wasn't a bad idea to slow things down a bit.
Why not just accept that you two need to get to know each other a bit better and that giving him some room to think doesn't mean that you're wasting your time with him? If I were you, I'd call him and let him know that you like him a lot, that you were upset that he seemed to be pulling back, but that you understand he needs to figure things out in his own head. Then I'd make it quite clear that I wasn't putting myself on the shelf for him, that I would date another men if asked (doesn't mean you sleep with them, of course), and that I may or may not be available after he's done. Not in a threatening way, but in a light, bright, positive manner.
"Michael, I'm sorry for being so abrupt the other day. Of course I want to hear from you, of course I want you to get your head together. I was just surprised and a bit upset at the time, but I've done some of my own thinking and realize that we were moving too fast. I agree that we need some time apart. You are free to date other women, just as I am free to date other men in this time. We need to get to know each other better and perhaps we were getting too hot, too heavy, too fast. Let's keep things light and friendly for now, take the sex out of the equation for the time being and continue our lovely talks. I'll let you know when I'm ready to resume a more romantic relationship. Take care and I hope to hear from you."
This way, you've taken back some of the control over your own life, you're not waiting in limbo for him to figure things out, and you haven't burnt any bridges. You also need to start setting some of your own boundaries; it's not fair to let him assume you're fine with whatever happens if you are not really. Start making some of the decisions in this relationship or he'll think you're a perpetual follower. Do you want to be an equal partner or a follower?
Good luck! Don't let a potentially good man slip away by overreacting to a bit of thinking.
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