A
female
age
30-35,
*oniqueEE
writes:Hi DC community,My bf and I are going through some problems in the relationship and have decided to work through them.The main issue is that he is working on himself so he can be better for me, but in the mean time he doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as he thinks it will give us a sense of false reality.I have asked how I can help but am slowly learning that nothing I do will change his mind as it's something I have to let him go through.Living together is weird for me at the moment but he still wants me around. I told him I felt alone last night and he said that we would try to do more for us in terms of intimacy and attention but asked if I could turn down the neediness. I do feel the neediness is a result of less intimacy but I respect his wishes.I am struggling. I don't really have the option of living elsewhere due to finances, but I don't want to abandon him either.How do I cope here, he wants and loves me but doesn't want to rush getting our relationship back. I just need some advice surrounding what to do. I want to support him but I can't shake this feeling of him not wanting me around. He has a few weekends booked where he hasn't invited me. I could be overreacting but we used to be inseparable. After almost 4 years I am very scared and worried. I amù doing more things with my friends and myself just to get my mind off him, but I love him and it's difficult to turn feelings off. I would love to be able to do that right now.Any ideas? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2015):
 That's very convenient - for him. He is factually not in a relationship- no physical intimacy with you, no demands on his time, no emotional / affective energy turned toward you and YOUR demands , in fact if you want to see him before the next 6 weeks, this means you are needy ; but , he does not have to make big decisions, change lifestyle, spend more money for living alone, alter his comfy routine in any way. IF he should decide that he's got nothing better to do over the weekend, so might as well give you some crimbs of TLC; you will be there for sure. And if he wants to think, love and act like a single guy- he can do it, you aren't going anywhere .
And what happens, in practice, during this roommatelike cohabitation ?... You share expenses , perhaps, that he should take fully on himself, at least for a period, if you moved out ?... You share cleaning,chores, errands , at least ... or maybe you just take on yourself LOTS of stuff that he should be doing ?
...While he keeps you in r/ship limbo, he can conveniently check what's out there and make some comparative shopping- probably announcing around that he is " trapped into a semi dead relationship ". But, if he should find something REALLY enticing, your r/ship can be conveniently and brusquely pronounced dead beyond resuscitation.
How very comfortable- for him.
Yeah,personally ( and I hope I am wrong ! ) I think he's just feeding you BS, some people just does not like to work without a net and does not break up ufficiall till they haven't secured themselves a new " situation ".
BUT, even if I am wrong, as I hope, ... what's this story of a 6 weeks waiting list for some of his precious attention ?! And you are supposed to sit on your hands until he besrowes you the grace ?!.
So he wants to work on himself ? Cool. Tell him that you are going to woek on yourself too, in the meantime- at a separate location ( move OUT even if it is a sacrifice ) plus, that there's no guarantee that your new and improved versions will match again. Hopefully, but not certainly;only time will tell.
Otherwise, .. talk about " taking people for granted "... I feel he's taking this expression to a whole new level...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2015): Sorry, I'll have to offer a different perspective as my opinion on this genuinely different from everybody else's.Some people are just scared of commitment (unfortunately,I think that it includes me) because is the end all, be all kinda commitment (i.e. I really look at it as- I make the right choice, great, I make the wrong one-well,shiiit, I gotta stick with it still coz I made a commitment). Philosophy reflected in: "Marry in haste, repent at leisure".I might repent at a later date, BUT I probably still won't leave.So I need to be beyond 100% sure...Actually,all that he has done (from my perspective) is a genuine break/ thinking time. He still cares for you etc (the spa week-end et al.)BUT honey, my one advice is- DO NOT stay in. MOve OUT ASAP.Because IF you stay, you play by HIS flute and HE gets a SENSE OF FALSE reality-i.e. that you'll always be there, when in reality, that's not the case.Take the SAFETY blanket AWAY from him (and from yourself...)Ok,my advice on this would be (in this order):-Move out (ASAP!)-Arrange a time-limit (I'd say 3 months, 6 weeks is nothing after 4 years I'm afraid. Give him time to miss you,so 3-6months)-Arrange the boundaries of the break (meeting other people or not? What is allowed/not allowed in this time period-for you TWO to set up TOGETHER. (i.e. not demands on his side and you giving in))Then arrange a specific date (say 06.06.2015-just an example) and a specific place (Oh, that restaurant we went in together for the first date?), even narrowed down to the hour (at 8:30)This way IF he misses you and he realises what's he's missing out on-great! What's 3-6 months put in perspective of 30 years together in the future? Nothing!BUT also it's a chance for you to explore NEW things (roller skating, whatever) AND see IF you miss HIM... You might be surprised after the 1st month/2...Then, you have that conversation, you establish whether you are both in it for the long run and you get your answer one way or another. Also, if he does not show up to that pre-arranged date/time/place (that's why they have to be so specific!!!) then sorry, but again- you do have your answer, no more waiting/stalling...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): You can't turn your feelings off after a four-year relationship. "Detachment" is a laborious process.
You CAN place your emotions on-hold; and prepare yourself to undergo the breakup. Everything you've described to us in your post regarding his behavior, is a spoiler-alert for a breakup.
He is allowing himself a head-start; by withdrawing any affection and keeping you at a distance. He is passive-aggressively, and most assuredly, giving you the cold-shoulder by shutting you off.
He has already begun "his" detachment; and only lets you stay around until he figures out a way to make a clean and drama-free exit from the broken relationship. Let him do his own cooking and cleaning. Don't cater to his needs. That's meaningless at this point. He isn't offering you any warmth, and keeps you out of his way. He has almost drawn-out a blue-print for his exit-plan.
Sleeping in separate quarters, offering you no intimacy or physical contact, and telling you to tone-down your neediness. To top that off, he's telling you in no uncertain terms; by sleeping together, that will give you a sense of false reality. That reality being, his mind is already made up; and he's giving you the time to catch up.
You were planning to move? Get packed. Preserve your dignity. Don't wait for his rehearsed and self-serving breakup-speech. Keeping you in suspense is unkind, and it's only for his own convenience. You see the writing on the wall, don't build-up a "false sense of reality." In simply terms, don't get your hopes up!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Let him have his space .. my idea is bit more of have a date set in your mind that he will move back into the bedroom . Up until then get on with your life .. go out lots ..Visit friends .. go to the cinema the pub clubbing . Get your hair done . Don't ask him anything at this time . Be flirty with him but not intimate buy yourself new lingered for you .. let him see the bag lol and just say oops new undies haha for me .. don't show him . Don't wear them for you . If he wants you .He's going to have to re date you .. If not the frankly sweetie his loss . If he wants to lose a very loving girl then that's his choice and lossYou start looking after number one and that ain't him .. its you .. now chin high no tears ..not just yet .. just keep your heart to yourself for a while
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 March 2015):
 This ranks right up there with, "...it's not YOU; it's ME..."
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 March 2015):
When a guy sez he "...needs time away from you..." it MEANS that the breakup has begun.....
Good luck...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Sigh - I hope he's not cheating - from what I know of him, he isn't the type to.
I spoke to him and said I was tired of all this and that it was like waiting for bad news. He agreed and said what if it wasn't bad news.
I asked for a date to spend time together to have the talk, but the next weekend he has planned for us is 6 weeks away - I can't wait that long.
He said he understood and would try harder to give me the intimacy we need.
Time will tell now - I'm spending the night away - he paid for me to go for a spa break as its all too much.
Thanks for all the advice - all I can do now is try not to make him my world.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2015):
 Yep, I really think that's what's going on. He doesn't WANT to be in a relationship. BUT he doesn't WANT to be the bad guy and ask you to move out.
It he normally a guy who is full of words or full of actions?
(my guess is the first?)
YouWish brought up that he could be seeing someone else. Well, it wouldn't be the first time a guy with a "gf" starts dating someone else claiming the "ex" is living with him out of pity, because she can't find a place of her own. Trying to paint himself as a great guy. But what he is really doing is dating more than one girl to see which one he either likes best or will suit him best.
You don't NEED his permission to move out. IF you can afford a room-mate situation or can move back in with family till you can get back on your feet, I suggest you DO that. Because what' going on now IS NOT helping the relationship NOR you. It seems totally one sided as to what HE wants. You just have to shut up ( don't be needy) and play along.
Do you FEEL loved by him right now? My guess (again I can only guess) is no. You feel confused and worried. Because while he may SAY he loves you, he doesn't SHOW love in the fashion you have been used to for 4 years.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 March 2015):
 A "sense of false reality"??
I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone else, and like the others said, he's either hedging his bets with you in not outright breaking up with you, or he's not wanting to be the bad guy to do the moving out altogether.
Doesn't want to rush getting the relationship back?? What a line of BS. You can't repair a relationship by tearing it up. If he really wanted to work through a relationship, the two of you would be seeing a couples counselor and doing the emotional heavy lifting together.
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A
female
reader, MoniqueEE +, writes (19 March 2015):
MoniqueEE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses.
Do you really think that's what's happening? I said I wanted to move out before but he said no and to give it more time.
I'm not sure that he wants to end it because he would have ended it weeks ago.
I do agree that I need to give him a date to make a choice, but wouldn't that be rushing him?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2015):
I agree with Janniepeg's idea of moving you out. THAT way he can get ALL the time and space he claims to need.
He said he is in no RUSH to get the relationship back. Well, there it is. HE wants to be single. And since you are living there he feels if he has sex and support you emotionally, HE is in a relationship.
I'm sorry I think he doesn't have the nuts to tell you that he wants to relationship to be over and for you to move out. I knows you are not in a financial good spot so he doesn't want to KICK you out.
Would it be possible for you to find a room-mate situation you CAN afford? Or like Janniepeg mentioned move in with your folks a while?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 March 2015):
 Sorry, I can't deal with this bullshit of loving you but not wanting to get intimate with you. If I have to guess, he is going to tell his friends he's trapped in a relationship but can't make you move out because you have nowhere else to go. You have to look for a new place or ask your parents if you could stay with them. I think he's playing this "I still love you" game so that you wouldn't ask him "if you really loved me why ask me to move in and then now this?" He just couldn't admit the mistake that he made a rash decision and regretted it.
This is what I assume for a man with no issues with women, sexuality or the past.
There may be things he's not telling you but is afraid to. When men act weird like this it's from unresolved issues. You give him time but set a limit on how long you could wait. He has no business dating or moving a partner in until he resolves it.
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