A
male
age
36-40,
*d12345
writes:Hello. I asked a question recently that stated that I am 25 years old, and I've never had a girlfriend although I do have several female friends.I have fancied one of my female friends for four years now. She had a boyfriend when I first met her, and has had a string of boyfriends until quite recently (never being single for more than a few weeks at a time). She is single now. I always thought that my fancying of her would fizzle out one day, but it's still here. I'm starting to think that, if I still fancy her after 4 years, it's never going to go away. I definitely have some considerable feelings for her. Recently she was considering taking a job in a very dangerous area, and I couldn't help but raise my voice when I told her that I wouldn't want her to work there. (fortunately her application got rejected)I doubt that she sees me as anything other than a friend. There was one time, towards the start of our friendship, when she got drunk, and started to kiss and hug me a lot (then she remembered she had a boyfriend). In the three and a half years since then, no similar displays of desire. As usual in these situations, I don't want to spoil the friendship by revealing that I fancy her, which may turn her away from me. On the other hand, I'm starting to think that maybe losing her would be the best thing to do if she doesn't want me. Is it good for one's self-esteem to be long-term friends with a girl you fancy? You can tell by my asking the question that I suspect that the answer is "no". I feel that I put more effort into the friendship than she does; it's usually I who initiates the meetings. Perhaps this has all gone on too long, and it's time to either become a couple or go our separate ways.To be clear, my question is whether I should tell this female friend of mine that I have feelings and see how she reacts, or whether I should just plod on being friends with her?
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male
reader, Ed12345 +, writes (20 October 2010):
Ed12345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Ven. You're probably right. It's gone on for too long now and I ought to bite the bullet.
A
male
reader, Ven  +, writes (18 October 2010):
Tell her. It gets it out there, and you don't have to drag yourself through another 4 years of waiting for the right moment.
Staying friends with someone you like secretly doesn't have to be bad for you. What you have to do is grow your love for that person to the point where their happiness means more than yours. From there, you are happy to see her happy dating other people. HOWEVER, if you can't handle that (I couldn't the one time it happened to me), then you shouldn't put yourself through it.
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