A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:M Y husband and I have been married for 28years. We have 3 children. We had our own cleaning business which went bankrupt. Whilst working in our family business I also had a 4 day a week external job. He now has a casual care taker job. He works away a lot, has motorsports as his interest and shooting.My interests are my now full time job and caring for the children and house. He is a kind considerate helpful person who is dedicated to his community and does so much for others.......like helping a local person who has been widowed with a childWe had not made love for over 2 years - no comment or question from him. We don’t argue or fight it’s almost like sharing a house with a friend or flat mate. I recently talked to him about this saying that we don’t have common interests anymore. The convo went like this, “you rarely spend time with the children or I maybe we should part.” I did comment that he loves motor sport and shooting and that they are his interests and I would never ask him to give that up as that what makes him happy. His response was “oh that good I love motor sports and shooting.” He the went on to say....oh ok who will tell the kids about us parting!I asked is this what he wanted? You want to go your own way? he relpied “not really coz we are good together, we aren’t like we used to be but we get along well, the kids are happy.”I asked what was good. He replied you the kids.Am I wrong to expect him to say “I love you, Lets sort this out...I will cut back on motor sports and shooting? You mean the world to me.”We are working better on what I call valuing each other but I feel like I’m giving giving givingWe have been working on communicating better we have made love twice since me starting this conversation 2 months back each time we have had sex I have initiated it. One time I gave him a cuddle and his response was “I don’t feel like sex thanks” I wasn’t looking for love making I just wanted a cuddle to feel close, loved, valued etc Am I expecting too much, too soon....Is it normal after 28 years to not notice your wife looking nice in a new outfit , having a hair cut, cooking his fav dinner, waxing her pubic hair, buying a sexy outfit (I was trying to be sexy and spice up things!) etc....I’m probably paranoid but do you think he is sleeping with the widow? Am I just selfish and expecting too much??Advice would be appreciated
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 August 2018):
 Honestly to me it sounds like he is more friends with you than a husband. The intimacy is gone and he is basically house sharing with you. Him saying so casually who will tell the kids speaks for itself! He knows you both are not the same as use where but he is comfortable so he doesn't want change.
Does he spend a lot of time with this woman? If he does then yes I would be questioning it. He may have fallen for her! I think you need to monitor it more closely. Invite yourself along the next time he meets her or else invite her for dinner, there should be signs if they are having an affair as there will be awkward moments. If he refuses then yes I would be worried.
Sometimes sex does die down but it sounds like you both are not even close anymore, I would go as far to say he loves you as his children's mother but it doesn't sound like he is in love with you anymore. You both need to sit down and have a proper chat about what is happening. Maybe get a babysitter, sit in have a few drinks by yourselves and try and open up to each other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2018): Thank you “ youcannotbeserious” and “ Wiseowle”for your honest reflections. I greatly appreciate another’s perspective and ideas. I feel I do offer him complements and say how much I/we (the children and myself) value and enjoy having him around.I have explained to him that it was a “only a business” not us. I wonder if the failed business isn’t the issue that’s overhanging from a few years ago but his desire to do his own thing eg. His hobbies.However after reading the responses above I will try harder to ensure that he feels valued, needed supported and loved. I do try and have made him special dinners, hired movies he likes, purchased his favourite wine etc.I will take on board th suggestions of being more frank and direct....eg. I like it when you sit and cuddle with me on the settee etc. is this something all married couples need to do? Remind their partners how to be close and love them? What would make me happy is to feel that I (and the kids) matter, feel like I (and the kids) am important.I Dont nag him, we rarely argue - as I see that as not getting anywhere. I discuss what is worrying me and then move on. His reply is usual oh ok. Who would want to spend time with a nagging wife, I imagine no one. I do wonder if he likes the “super hero” feeling of helping another.....But I’m empowered to say “hey help here at your own home with your own family” because if not you can loose them Many thanks I will use the suggestions and strategies above and see how it goes. Many thanks for your time and heartfelt replies. Thank you :-) xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2018): You seem to approach your husband indirectly; and you don't come right-out and tell him what's on your mind...after 28 years?!!
I was in a 28-year relationship. It ended when my partner died of cancer. There was nothing we couldn't talk about. He was sometimes evasive, changed the subject, or he became defensive; but if you read my posts, you'll see that I am straightforward. That's the way I am with anyone I would call my partner and my lover. They have to know me, what I want, and what I need. I'm open-minded, and open-hearted to all their needs! Hopefully what they want is humanly-possible; and doesn't go against my values or morals.
I have a new partner now. That rule still applies. It works as well as it ever did.
Men generally respond to the loss of a job, business, marriage, or a major-failure in his life; differently from how women handle things. A very ambitious-women or sturdy female, may respond in similar-fashion to failure; but there are still differences.
Women are more able to express their emotions and feelings openly, outwardly, and verbally. Their femininity is not directly tied to how they succeed at what they do. Men tend to shut-down, internalize, and quietly suffer in shame for failure. We sometimes equate our success and ability to provide for our families with our manhood. It says how much of a man we are. We think we're logical-creatures and less emotional. What could be more illogical?
He may look into your eyes and at his kids, and he might feel he has let everyone down. It will lower his self-esteem. His sex-drive will drop below normal, maybe down to zero. Some men turn to drinking, some to drugs, and some to other women! Men tie and attribute much to his masculinity.
So when he fails in one-way, it has a domino-effect...one thing falls, and it knocks everything else down! He might feel worthless, and less than a man.
He may think you deserve someone better and more successful; or that you are hiding your true feelings. He may think your feelings or complaints about the marriage, are due to the failed-business. That you might think he's mostly to blame. I'm sure you both had arguments or disagreements; and some things you both exchanged that you can't take back. That's normal, and happens in all long-term relationships. You have to fix it, you can't ignore it.
If you have never really told him he means much more to you than that stupid business; how do you expect him to speak lovingly to you? If you are afraid to discuss your needs; I bet you are afraid to compliment him, even if he doesn't compliment you. It does go both-ways! He needs it! Men do like to be complimented by our mates! If they usually flow, and suddenly stop. We get concerned!
How do you expect him to show his emotions openly to you; if he has always been expected to show you his strength, be your rock, and amplify his virility and manhood through his success? You may not have placed that pressure on him; but society and other men do! Starting with his father; then it comes from your father! Everyone expected him to do well for you and your kids. They never pressured you that way!
You have to let him know, that the business was not what you loved him for. You love him as your husband; and the father of your children. He remains your rock! The business is gone, not you! He may need to hear that. He will never ask or admit it; due to his manly-pride! You'd be surprised that you both need the same-thing!
I always have to know what I could do to make my partner happy; and to keep my partner satisfied. I don't dance around the subject, I get to the point. I had to learn things as we go; because I don't read minds. I don't have a problem expressing myself; as you can see by my response to your post.
Your husband is still young enough to desire sex; and if he seems uninterested, maybe your suspicion about the widow has some merit. He feels like a hero to her and her child. He has a wife and children of his own; he has no obligation to taking care of another woman's needs, when his own wife feels neglected. I will refrain from profanity; but some really strong words come to mind about that! You and your kids come first, no matter what!
Be honest. Tell your husband that you feel he spends too much time with another woman; and that makes you feel uncomfortable as his wife. He doesn't want sex, and it makes you wonder all sorts of things. Tell him!!! Let that widow find herself a single-man. She can turn to her own family for attention and comfort. You are calling him home. There is a wife and family who needs him more!
He was really being nasty to tell you it was fine with him if you left him. What kind of answer is that to give your wife??? Go tell your children you're leaving?!! No, why don't you tell them Mr. Husband? Who spends too much time on hobbies he can't afford; and meddling in the personal-matters of another woman he is not married to!
You don't get what you need. Why? Maybe because you avoid getting into an argument with a man who seems unconcerned whether you go, or stay. I think you better get to the bottom of this situation.
How could you be expecting too much from your own husband? Affection, sex, and attention? What did you marry him for?
Why does some widow need him more than you do? Why does she deserve so much of his time? Do you complain a lot?
Subtract that widow from the equation. She must go! Continue getting closer and working on your marriage; and let's see how things go. Big losses leave an impact on your finances, your emotions, and your marriage.
My prayers and blessings go out to you and your family!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2018): Invite the widow and her child to your house . Watch his reaction . If he is totally opposed ask why ? If he used excuses like oo she busy etc .. say stuff like oo I know us women can really help one another as well .I'll come with you on your visit as that's the Christian thing to do.. don't want neighbour gossiping do we .. then be very watchful when they are together
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 August 2018):
 I think it is pointless telling someone "we need to work at being closer". This is just far too vague. Your husband probably hasn't a clue where to start. I think you need to agree on things you will both do to bring you closer together.
Be specific. Think about what YOU need to feel closer to him, then tell him in as many words. Say things like "I would like us to cuddle up on the settee when we are watching tv" or "we need to have a date night at least once a month/fortnight when it is just the two of us".
Is it possible your husband feels down/a failure because of the collapse of the business? Do you ever tell him how much you value him and need him?
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