A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband and i were due to celebrate 25 years of marriage but he has just told me that he has been having an affair for the last 8 months made easy as he is an international truck driver and is away from home for two weeks at time. He also says that this is not the first but he loves her in a way that he doesnt love me any more. It has come completely out of the blue, I feel sick and devastated. I cannot tell anyone as our friends are all shared and they would hate what he has done. Our 17 year old daughter who idolises her daddy will be shattered. He has actually told other drivers who are his friends but do not know me. He does not know whether he wants to give her up and try to work through our problems the basis of which from what he has said is my lack of sexual abilities. I still love him but dont know what has happened or what to do next. He has just left for his next trip and i feel lost.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): to be honest i think its going to be hard but the bet thing you can do is try and move on.still talk and see each other but as friends.if you stay in contact with him it will also be better for your daughter and also for you yourself.i no its very hard but go counseling yourself and get help to get you through it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): Things are really difficult at the moment as he is acting as though he has done nothing wrong. He says he needs to talk to her about what to do and now i must wait to see if this woman will let me have my husband after 25 years of marriage. I dont understand why it should be her decision he says its not he is just going to talk to her but what if she pursuades him to leave me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): I suspect there's more to this than just his perception that you're no good in bed. I can't think of anything more hurtful to tell any woman other than that she's old and ugly as well.
Your daughter needs to know what's going on, and the sooner the better. It's no good putting up this defensive shield so that everyone thinks everything is hunky-dory. She'll smell a rat soon enough and will be wondering what the problem is - maybe even blaming herself. She's old enough to understand, so tell her your side of the story before he gets to her first.
See a solicitor as soon as possible - and make sure it's one that specialises in divorce proceedings - the citizens advice bureau will give you a list of suitable practices. Don't delay otherwise you'll be kept waiting while the legal aid process kicks in, if you're eligible, and it does take awhile. Not all solicitors deal with legal aid cases so you need to start searching now.
You've got to look after your own interests, and if I were you I'd forget about any kind of reconciliation with this rat of a husband. He's not worth having and believe me, you're still young enough to start again with someone who really appreciates you, and you can gloat when this other woman decides she's had enough of him and his cheating ways and his lack of ability in the bedroom!
Phil
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): i dont think that he thinks he does not deserve being loved. he has also told me that over the last 25 years he has always had sex outside marriage, even when times were good, he has had one night stands and another 6 month affair where he thought he wanted to leave but didnt because of our daughter. He say he still loves me but like a sister and that sexually i have never known what to do but he thought i would learn to be a better lover. He says he feels he was married too young , 21, and now wants to have a good time while he still can. I dont think that this is about low self esteem. It means that all our married life has been a sham, i feel so bewildered and hurt to think that this man who i have always believed to be a good man, is not what i thought he was, my life is not what i thought it was. I am finding it really difficult to deal with and cope and dont know what to do now.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 January 2008):
 Thank you for the additional information. You've been together for quite a while. This other information you gave about his past helps a bit. It opens up a different idea his behavior could have taken. With this history, how do you think he truely feels about himself? If someone doesn't feel good about theirself then you loveing him seems as is it's an undeserving love. Like he's not good enough for you to stay with him. Some people who fall deep down use sex, drugs, or alcohol to cope with the pain of just living, or the pain of feeling as they are a failure.
That will be the key with counseling, getting him to release this built up pain, get him to start seeing himself as an important individual and to value the small things all though he's been through a few trials himself. As his feelings for himself increase, so will his appreciation for the marriage and for you.
I hope everything works out for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter actually being with him for 28 years all together, i want to give things another try and i know that it must sound stupid of me but i cant imagine being without him. He has said that he will come to counselling with me when he is next home but he does not know if it will do any good. I am not eating or sleeping and keep imagining him with another woman. How can my husband tell another woman that he loves her, i cant believe that this is happening to me. I have stood by him through all the problems we have had over the years with his family who reject him, losing a business, his diabetes and other financial dificulties we have had through 4 redundancies and other job losses that seem to come with truck driving, i have always believed that he was a good man but i am so hurt. I keep looking at my daughter who has no idea what is happening and wanting to cry, at work people are talking about christmas and the new year and asking me about mine and i am sitting and smiling and making out its all fine. i am breaking inside.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): PLEASE YOU DONT DESERVE THAT!
If your husband doesnt want to give her up doesn't that tell you something, it is devastating enough to find out something like this I know! But for your husband to say such a thing, PLEASE! GIVE YOUR HEAD A SHAKE...you dont deserve that it is bad enough he is having an affair, but he doesn't want to give her up! You are scared and I realize that I was too and if it wasn't for my husband begging for my forgiveness, and saying how disgusted he felt in what he did and who he did it with, I would of left in a heartbeat..but I gave him a chance had if he said what your husband said I would be Gone..take some antidepressnants from doctor and you will see things will be much easier to see,,,trust me I almost went out of my mind and thank god for my kids,,who were right there. Your daughter deserves to know.. if she doesnt already this is the consequence he brought on himself....
I have been married for 18 years and recently found out that my husband had been having an affair for 2 months off an online dating service he than met up with the skank and had sex with her, I found out and met her, in my situation my husband regretted it and was disgusted in what he did he never called her back, he is by my side 24/7 treats me better than when we first met he has realized what he did and cant get over it, me I will never trust him again it will take a loooong time if I do, my 17 year old son will never forgive him, and the tension and lack of respect for this great man he thought is gone...as for my 13 yr old daughter she has changed towards a man she also idolized...this was the price he had to pay for the betrayal of his family..it wasn't worth it. Please don't belittle yourself to a man who is telling you straight out he cant give up another woman...you and your daughter deserve much respect than that, some day if your daughter finds out what will she think of you...I had to ask my children for thier input on what they thought and if there dad had not been sorry they wanted out I would have had to respect that...Good Luck
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 January 2008):
Sex is not love. It's a personal desire to fulfill something we want. To approach working issues out, with sex, would not be what the real issue is.
For those who are really in love, sex is much more than the act of desire, it's connecting with their partner in an emotionally deep act of love. That's something you don't just go out and share with others you may desire.
Having an affair, in its self is wrong to begin with. He not only disrespected you by his acitons, but he disrespected your marriage and his daughter. It's up to you if you work things out, but i'd really take some time to find out what the real issue is. The affiar is not the issue, it's a way of coping with and hiding what the true issue is. He first needs to stop being a piece of crap and start being a man. Without that, there's no way of working anything out.
...............................
|
