A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Today is my 21st anniversary, we have 4 kids, we have never fought, and just 3 days ago I found out that my wife met someone on a trip with friends. She has seen him one other time since then, again on a trip with these friends, they've kissed twice, and have talked on the phone off and on for the last 3 months. All this started around 4 months ago. I found out about this looking at a strange number on our cell phone bill, and confronted her when I saw a number of long - 45-60 minute - conversations with this number, a cell phone based around 3 hours from where we live. There is a fairly long background here, as we've been through a number of financial crises, and family issues - my father is in prison - not to mention a number of unhealthy factors about myself - overweight, a bit depressed - and she had skin cancer last fall, but had an operation and is now cancer-free. Our kids are 18, 15, 13 and 11, and I'm desperate to not put them through the hell of a separation and divorce. Since confronting my wife, this week has been a living hell, including yesterday, our oldest graduating from high school, then today, our 21st anniversary. She is sad at the pain she has caused, but is very stressed - and has been - due to our financial situation, and my difficulty in dealing with my issues of weight, depression and constant money issues. She is being very honest, or at least I hope she is, and says she wishes she could say what I so want to hear - that she is very sorry, and wants to make amends, and get back to the life and relationship we once had. We've been best friends for 20+ years, and have never really fought. I've proposed counseling, and she has agreed to it, but she can't honestly say that she wants to "try" and get our relationship back. We had a very long discussion tonight, about the situation, and we talked about an in-house separation, where we would still live together, as a family. We will spend time together, as a family, and as a couple, and will work together on bills, and things that we need to fix around the house, and we will talk to a counselor. However, she says she wants the option to be separated, and still talk to the other guy. Perhaps even see him. I've asked her if she's in love with him, and she says she isn't - she doesn't know him well enough - but I've asked her how the 4 months that she's known and talked to him, how can that weigh against our 20+ years together, our kids, etc.I don't feel that she should have any contact with him, as how can she be vested in really working to make "us" better - but she's already said that she agreed to counseling, but can't honestly say she wants to get our marriage back on track. I would love any advice you can offer. I'm hesitant to make an ultimatum about this, as I want to live here, and see her, and see my kids every day - and I want to try and make it work - but I feel that her demand that she still be allowed to talk to him completely makes it impossible for "us" to work on "our" problems. Even thought they have supposedly just kissed a couple of times, I feel that she is falling for him, and sees whatever support he is giving her as a way to get away from the stressful life we have together. She wants stability, and will work to help with bills, our family and things around the house we need to fix - but wants to still talk to him. I'm hurt, in more pain that I've ever imagined, and desperate to make this work, for me, us, and our kids - but I don't think she should continue this relationship. Her talking to him by phone, or text, to me is as bad as seeing him in person. Thanks for any advice or thoughts you can offer.
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 Hey pal. Im the last guy who knows jack about marriages but ill say right now u have some holes in ur psychological boundary that has caused u to consume a lot of negative energy over time. Your wife I think wants a divorce but is passive about it. Logically how can she be willing to fix one relationship n maintain the other? I agree the kids n a divorce would b tuff however if the divorce is done civilly and not dramatically it woyld lessen stress on u and the kids. Realistically i see this marriage over man. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJanniepeg - Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply. I realize more and more than this in-house separation that she has in mind, with her being allowed to still talk to him, will not work. I've told her that we cannot lie to the kids, give them a false impression of what is happening, and I will not lie to them for her. I've also told her that her talking to him in secret, or with me knowing, is shared intimacy and infidelity in my book.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 A counsellor can't fix your marriage if one spouse does not want to. Continuing the affair means she does not want to. It is inconsiderate of her to play family, use your common space, but not treat you like a husband. She should have waited until you got a divorce then start a new relationship but she is selfish. You are in a depressed state, still wanting to get her back but normally other men would have angrily kicked her out. She still wants to see him because she doesn't want to lose him, and him thinking there is a chance she will never leave the family. The only reason she is living with you is because she can't just suddenly move in with the new guy. The kids deserve to know the truth. The 11 year old is able to understand what an affair means. Your older kids know what's going on. I really believe that if you knowingly deceive your kids thinking "we are a happy family" you are not respecting their intelligence and there will be tension in the family. Your wife is pretening those counselling sessions but you have to do the real deal with a lawyer. There is no way you can't keep the house because you didn't do anything wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): Get a counseling appointment ASAP. The counselor will in a gentle and reasonable way convince her not to see the other guy for at least a time.
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