A
male
age
51-59,
*ad43
writes:Four days ago my wife told me she wants out of our 21 year marrige. Said she has not loved me that way in over a year but tried to make it work. She said it is all her, not me. She will not talk to a professional or even our pastor about this. She seems very hollow when we talk. Any ideas of what I can do to fix this without pushing her away more? We do have 2 children. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 February 2011):
 Dear Sad,
Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to say that as long as she is unwilling to even discuss the problem, the chances for resolution are low. The pattern looks bad, Which is the reason for the advice you have been given. I must agree that you should prepare for the worst.
It may take years for her to face what is going on, and to see the mistakes she is making. She has shut you out and is determined not to let anyone deter her from the path she has chosen. You are right to think that prayer is about all you can do.
FA
A
male
reader, sad43 +, writes (17 February 2011):
sad43 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. I may never understand or find out why, but I still love her. Week two and just as confused along with everyone else. All we get is "I do not know why I feel this way". If you pray, put us on your list. God knows who we are!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (9 February 2011):
 After 21 years she owes you an explanation. She doesn't want to try to work it out through marriage counseling, because he's reached a stage of apathy. I think that's what you mean by "hollow."
What she is doing right now is called "stonewalling." That is, she is refusing to participate in a discussion of any issues in your marriage, so there is no hope of resolution. She is emotionally abandoning you. This is not good. It is not right.
Something significant has happened, which she will not share with you. I would tell her that she owes you an explanation. People don't walk after 21 years and two children with a, It's not you. It's me." That is not fair.
Approach her gently, without anger. She needs to open up about her unhappiness.Try engage her in conversation. Tell you you need to understand why this is happening. Work up to asking her what it would take to get the marriage back on track, and then suggest marriage counseling.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Is she having an affair. No one just out of the blue ask for a divorce.
Get your finances in order. You may be in shock but she has been planning this for months. Seek the advice of a lawyer asap. Make wise financial decisions. Do a financial/asset inventory. Basically your marriage may be ending but why must you give up everything you worked so hard for.
Give yourself a mental shake up. Yes your emotions are everywhere and you are stumped. She doesn't want counselling, she just wants to end it. She is being secretive, she is being conniving as well. She wants out with the minimum fuss so that she can start a life without you. You owe it to yourself to investigate the possibility that she wants to leave you for another man.
Do u end your marriage quietly, become a sucker and give her what she wants. Or do u take your pound of flesh for the 21 years you have been together. This is what happens in a divorce. Be prepared for it to turn ugly. Be prepared to see a side of her you have not seen before.
You will get lots of advice regarding the emotions, saving the marriage and all will be excellent advice. I am advising you on the financial aspect.
Too many good guys are getting screwed. Don't be one of them.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 February 2011):
With no more information than that, I would say that she needs excitement. You can probably provide her with that better than someone else can. She just doesn't think you can. You are both going to have to stretch yourselves to make it work. It is the season why not thrill her?
FA
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