A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello People!I am having a small dilemma that I cannot talk to friends or family about due to the nature of this situation...so I am relying on unbiased strangers opinions. Here we go...I have been with my significant other for 20 years. We are not married, have 4 children...one of which is ours together. Our child, who is 16, is still at home, the others are adults with children of their own. Long story short, I have feelings more often than not that I want OUT. I fear this feeling is for selfish reasons. There are circumstances that have arose over the last 2 years that I think may have pushed me towards this. Please make no mistake, I do love him and care about his well being, I just don't know if I am "in love" anymore. This would devastate him!Unfortunately, for you to understand, I have to give some background information.He was married at a very young age and the marriage lasted almost 2 years. This marriage produced his 2 children. I had a child with my high school "sweetheart" and that relationship went south. We met each other while he was going through his divorce and my child's father was about to marry another. His ex wife remained in love with him for literally years. This is probably "normal", even though she did have other relationships and has since been married two other times. I have never been married. The state in which we reside does not have "common law" so we are not married, before everyone goes there :-)Trying to make this short as possible. Apologies!!! OK, so we raised our kids, not without the constant issues from his ex wife...either calling him to come discipline the kids while they were with her, dropping the kids off saying she couldn't handle them anymore, even 1 week after I gave birth, it wasn't our weekend and here she comes with the kids...mine was at her father's for the weekend and I did need some rest. We had had them the previous weekend and most of the week. Please understand, not one time did I EVER say these kids couldn't come over at anytime. I never received any "common courtesy" from her. I let this all go without saying a word. When the oldest was 16...his son...he came to live with us as she couldn't handle him anymore. Those of you who have raised children probably know the mannerisms and bad habits have set in by 16 and are almost impossible to "fix". Anyway, we welcomed him in to our home...OF COURSE! This brought it's own trouble. He (the kid) thought his girlfriend should be allowed to basically move in too...keep in mind they are 15 and 16 years old! His mother allowed her to stay. I wasn't raised that way. My partner and his ex were. Needless to say, I lost the battle. I was unhappy the year he was there but faked my way through. My daughter who was also 15 at the time...had a boyfriend...that was NOT allowed to spend the night...which I wouldn't have wanted him to anyway!!! In short, there were two sets of rules...one for my daughter and one for his son and his girlfriend. Again, I took it.Years passed...his daughter from previous became pregnant at 14. Not long after she became pregnant, the son's girlfriend became pregnant as well. The two oldest grandchildren are 6 months apart. Well that's just the beginning of the baby factory. Our son and his girlfriend proceeded to become pregnant 3 additional times within the next 3 years or so. The third child was born addicted to drugs and this made want to do harm to both my son and his girlfriend. Of course, I did not and was the forgiving person I was and still am expected to be. Within a couple months she was pregnant again...this time trying everything to make herself miscarry. She did not and gave birth to premature twins. The twins remained in the hospital for quite some time...no one ever knowing the state they were born...addicted or not. They brought the twins home and a couple months after...gave them up for adoption without ANY of the family knowing what was going on!!! My bf will NEVER get over this. Since this, the son and his gf have stolen from his mother, lost their home, committed fraud and anything else they could do to gain drugs. This has caused CPS to remove the remaining 3 children from the home and place them in foster care...foster care being the ex wife. It came up more than once that we needed to raise one or more of these children...this is the selfish part folks...I don't want to raise anymore kids! I feel absolutely terrible for feeling the way I do however, I cannot change the way I feel no matter how hard I try. I don't think we are in that situation any longer...that has since been resolved (the grandkids remain with the ex wife/grandma and we see them about once a week) but the thought still makes me cringe and the possibility is still there. I ask the question, is SHE ever going to be out of our lives???? The ex-wife is who I am referring. Apologies, people. I guess I am a terrible person.Anyway, my daughter has one child and as I said previously, his daughter has one child. The girls do pretty well. Our child together has a very promising career in athletics that should gain a college scholarship. Very proud mother!! Please don't start on the academics, she is an Honor student as well!!! I think this "story" is bouncing all over and I apologize. Anyway, I don't think we have a common goal anymore. I believe we want different things from our lives. I would like to move from the current state we live in to a warmer climate once our child has graduated in a couple years. I would like to travel and be carefree... I still have to work for a few years but my job allows me to live where I want as I work from home. I've also been there long enough to have 5 weeks vacation a year. He has not worked full time in 7 years...My job is demanding and I asked him to please stay home and take care of the kids and get them to practices, etc when I wasn't able to do so. Of course, he obliged...who wouldn't?!?!?Anyway, I am tired of being last... I am tired of facing the possibility of raising another child. I don't mind being grandma but I want them to go home... I love ALL my kids and grankids, please don't mistake this either. The son is in jail along with his gf...drugs destroy lives for those that don't know that. I want nothing further to do with the gf...she is no longer welcome in my home ever again and I am about there with the boy. They are putting everything above these babies. Please don't say I don't understand addiction...I do, I was raised in addiction and know quite well what happens and how people are and how they react and what they can and can't do. We have given them both chance after chance. There are other things that have happened that I do not care to mention here that have amplified my feelings toward her and now, my "son".After all this...if you can even make sense of any of it... I, after 20 years, am tired and leaning towards just getting the hell out. I am in so much peace when I am by myself which is rare or when it's just my 16 year old and me. I do feel guilty...I don't want to. I want to LIVE people! I understand you never stop being a parent and I never would want to stop. As I said, I love all my kids more than anything. I am afraid this has taken a toll that cannot be repaid nor undone. So, just asking, what would you do??? We have discussed this and it doesn't seem to matter to either one of us if we stay together or split. So, why am I even asking??? I have NO idea??? The only thing is, waiting for him to gain employment so he can take care of himself...I can't leave him with nothing. AND, I fear it will hurt our daughter even though she knows what's going on...Thanks for your unbiased and hopefully, not too harsh opinion!!
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divorce, drugs, ex-wife, his ex, in jail Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Move on. If in 20 years you both have not seen it important enough to solidify the relationship with marriage, I see no reason why you should not walk away if you are not happy.
Good Luck!
Jeff
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I just needed validation that the way I feel is OK!! Thank you ALL for your comments! I know what I need to do and knew before I posted. Like I said, I just needed to hear what some unbiased people had to say. Again, thank you all so much who commented!!!
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (22 February 2012):
I honestly cant comprehend how you lived like that for 20 years. Life is so short. why waste it being miserable. You need to get out of this. You can go on and on, people trying to say you can make this work, do it for the kids, advice that could help this situation. But you really inherited some F****d up S***t. Thats not a life you want to live, and that is not fair for you. You and your husband have separate rules under your house!!! your paying for it! He doesnt have a job!!! and know you may have to start raising another kid!!I think before you make a decision you need to take advantage of those vacation weeks, go somewhere you have always wanted to go! spoil your self you deserve it! or just get on the next plan out of where ever you are from and go somewhere! Maybe think about this.... Then again i think this add was pointless. you dont need anyones opinion on what to do. you have thought about this,your feed up with that life. GET OUT!!Your way to nice of a person to be dealing with that and sticking around for his employment.Good lucklife is to precious too waste
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Wow! You have certainly been dealing with a lot. I think you owe it to yourself to take a deep breath, and pat yourself on the back for dealing with everything so well. So, you have talked to your boyfriend about not wanting to raise more children? What was his response to this? Is he dead set on taking in one (or more) of these babies? You say that you have discussed your relationship and neither of you seems to care either way if you stay together or split up. In my opinion then, the choice is clear. Split up! You deserve to be happy, and in a relationship that brings you peace and joy and passion. If neither of you care either way, it sounds as if the relationship is already dead. You are not selfish, but I can understand why you might feel that way. But the bottom line is, the only child who you are responsible for is your 16 year old daughter. (That's your only biological child, correct?) These other kids have two parents, and it is not your shoulders that should have to bear all of the weight and stress that these irresponsible kids have caused. You need to do some soul-searching and do what is best for YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Soooo.... go on and start a new life. What more do you need to hear??????
Good luck....
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