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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now...and I asked him from the begining the usual questions that come to mind (do you have any children or have you ever been married, you would think those things should be told to you anyhow), but he always replied no to both. Well now he wants to get married, but I have always had a feeling that he's been hiding something from me...so I recently started questioning him. Well truth is... he does have a son and he is 7 yrs old. He claims he doesnt get to see him at all, but to be honest I am very confused and fusturated by the fact that it has taken him this long to tell me...even if it was for the reason he didnt want to lose me. I am not sure if I can even believe him anymore. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): You're right, hiding a very important fact like this is disturbing and I understand and I would take this as a serious 'red flag". Aside from the fact that he lied to you..one is wondering why he isn't able to see his son? Is he a deadbeat Dad? Why isn't he being morally and financially responsible for his child? Did he give his rights as a father up? How can one forget they have a child and pretend this 7 year old doesn't exist? These are very telling facts about his values and convictions, his true character. You both need to talk this out and quickly before any marriage decisions are set in place. We know he didn't tell you because he feared your reaction. This is not the behaviour of a mature, self-loving, secure man. As as far as I'm concerned, no genuine fulfilling love is possible with out self-love, respect and honesty preceding it. This truely is the time that I have to stress that all decisons made in relationships should come from the head, not the heart. So when it comes to this relationships, love is not enough to let this serious"error and lack of judgement" slip by. When you ask him some questions about "why' he didn't tell you about his child..listen to his answers carefully and draw your conclusions from that. There could be a huge difference of life and family values going on here and you have to discern whether you can live with that. You can get beyond this but...it won't come without struggling and striving for a truthful, honest relationship with each other. The decison lies with you.
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