A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner is 6 years older than me and we have been together for the last 10 years. She is the only g/f I've ever had but she has had sex with at least 25 boyfriends prior to our relationship. After 10 years, it is only just starting to bother me now that I'll never experience sex with another person. Is this fair or am I just having a mid-life crisis?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): I think your too young to have a mid-life crisis. But you probably feel that you've under-achieved while you had the chance, and just generally. Particularly when compared with your girlfriend or wife.You obviously knew this when you were getting married to her, well I'm assuming you did, and therefore you got married to her for a reason. If its really a problem, as in, really a problem, I suggest you talk to your wife and/or a consuellor.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Well, it is too late for you to do what I did, but I'll tell you anyway. My wife and I were both divorced and for both of us our original spouses were our only sexual partners. However, she got divorced 3 years before me and started dating right after she left her husband. She had 10 sexual partners, including a couple of 1 night stands, before meeting me and she was my first after my first wife. She wanted me to date other women to both be sure that I didn't just want her as a rebound relationship and for me to know what else was out there before I settled on her. She would have rather lost me than for me to make the wrong decision. The thing is that I did this for the first 2 1/2 years and not after 5 years.
I dated 3 women plus a 1 night stand. The 1 night stand was the worst sex that I had. One of the women was more exciting than my wife and one was better in bed, but neither was as loving and caring as my main girlfriend (current wife).
Her past bothered me for the first couple of years and then it would only bother me for a few hours at a time every year or so. However, after 28 years together, it started to bother me again. For me, it was the fact that she slept with every one of those 10 guys the first night. I was the only one who didn't try to get her into bed on the first date. She later told me that she wanted to, but that was one of the many reasons that I was different to her and worth waiting for. I don't know why I again started to think about it, but it could be because of some depression attributed to a low testosterone level that I have recently been diagnosed with.
You and your girlfriend are in the same position as we were. She wanted me to date even more women than I did and we both think that we possibly should have split for a while to allow me to not be constrained. However, both of us are happy that I dod not decide to leave her because of it.
The anon male is correct. Partners with mismatched sexual histories can be trouble. We have had trouble because of it, but out marriage is still worth the trouble for both of us. However, she and I strongly believe that her dicision to allow me (actually make me) to date others was the best decision that she made in our relationship.
There are some advantages to my wife's many sexual partners. She has never desired to leave me or have an affair, even when things weren't going well about 15 years ago. She knows from past experience that she is not likely to find better. Yes, I have my faults, but she remembers that at least 9 or those 10 guys had much greater faults. Only 1 was a man who she thinks that she could have married or had a happy relationship with. I was lucky. I dated a couple of very nice women. One of them probably would have made a fine wife and may have had even more experience than my wife. Even though I enjoyed being out with them on a date and in bed, they couldn't match how much I enjoyed being with my girlfriend. I know it is really difficult for you not having had any other partners, as you have no basis for comparison, but I believe that you would find that other women would not match your current girlfriend and she obviously has no desire for anyone else if she has been with you for 5 years. The other guys didn't match up. Most probably just wanted a night out drinking and sex, just as my wife's partners were interested in. She had told me that I was the first one to take her out on real dates most of the time and the first one who didn't try to feed her drinks the first night to loosen her up for sex. We drank no liquor our first night in bed because I wanted to have sex with her only if she wanted to while sober.
Since I started thinking about it late last year, my wife has been willing to talk to me about my feelings as much as necessary to help me with my thinking. Now that I am taking testosterone I am bothered very little with her past, but sometimes I still have to talk to her about it. Have you talked to your girlfriend about your feelings? I think that is very important to do. Don't imply that she was a slut or cheap, but just tell her what you are feeling. Communication between partners is very important in any relationship.
I can't tell you any easy to make yourself feel better about this. The only thing that has worked for my wife and I is talking to her about it. I have also met 2 good friends on this forum who have helped me a lot with my feelings. Talking and reading others people's stories helps a lot. You are not alone in your feelings. Some men (and occasionally women) work to help their feelings and some just give up and either be miserable or leave their partners. Talking with her is the place to start to help your feelings, but be kind to her. If you don't, she will know that something is wrong because of the way that you act. My wife always knows when I am feeling bad and don't want to bother her with my problems. She waits until we are snuggling in bed and then looks at me and askes me what is wrong. Then we talk or I tell her to wait until tomorrow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Partners with mismatched sexual histories are usually trouble. It's not politically correct to believe this, but it's true. I don't know any way for you to feel better. I don't think you're craving sex now, but rather maybe you feel like you missed out on life in general. There's no cure for that by doing anything in the present.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): if you dont love her sure go ahead and cheat...of you do love her you really have NO reason to be wishing for sex with any other woman, regardless of how many partners either of you has or has not had
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Is she faithful to you? If then, doesn't it mean a lot that with 25 competitors she picked you and stayed with you?
You were not her first, but doesn't it mean more that she want you to be her last?
If you cheat on her, that is far far worse then her "past". If she never wavered in her loyalty to you what on earth makes you think you have the right to want to have sex with other women?
Don't throw away a happy relation over the idea of sleeping around.
Ask her, she did and ask her how good it was compared to being with the one you love. Learn from her, a "past" ain't all it is cracked up to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Don't be one of those men who cheats, sees the grass isn't greener and is crying into his tea when his wife leaves.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (27 June 2008):
 I'm going to go against the consensus here. It's no use telling you that it's much better with a steady lover because you've never had anything to compare it with. You've got to find out for yourself.
Why don't you try a prostitute? You'll come back to your girl with a renewed awareness of how superficially exciting but ultimately shallow the sexual act is with someone who doesn't mean anything to you. You'll have satisfied your curiosity. You'll be able to say "I've done that".
I don't know how happy your girlfriend would be to accept this arrangement. It may hurt her, although if she's had so many lovers in the past I'm sure she would be sympathetic to your curiosity. Of course, there is always the danger that this experiment will only whet your appetite and unleash some kind of beast in you, but I doubt it. As long as you keep wondering like this you'll be susceptible to temptation, which may not turn out for the best if you the wrong temptation comes your way.
Just a suggestion, and one I'm prepared to be excoriated over.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Mate,
even if you are 26 you are not going through a mid life crises. that will come in about 15 years :)
Like Waz said, sex is best when you are in a committed loving relationship. One night stands suck so believe me you are not missing out on anything.
Maybe its because you are getting a little tired of the same routine in the bedroom. Talk to your girlfriend about experimenting with different things instead of different people, she may very well be up for it, and it will be infintely better than having sex with a stranger.
And for gods sake, dont go down the road all these sad sacks who write in here complaining about their partners sexual history - its a path to a miserable life my friend.
good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): You aren't old enough to have a mid life crisis. You are probably a typical male that doesn't like to think about other men being on top of his woman, and you may feel that you need to "even the score" so that you have some more varied experience with other people like she has had and to somehow eleviate your feelings of contempt for her past behavior and for having experienced someone before she met you.
This is a dangerous game, first off you get to avoid all of the heartbreak and rejection from never having had to have sex with a bunch of people that were not right for you for whatever reason. Sometimes as they say quality is more important than quantity and it applies in this situation too. Find ways to make your own sex life interesting and new with your current partner, buy some books and start reading them on sexual technique and then practice practice practice. The best sex is with someone you truly love, no one night stand can ever beat that feeling. Don't be tempted to go and look for the forbidden fruit, unless you are looking to get divorced and lose everything you have, then just stop being such a resentful baby and get over yourself, really.
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