A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have just had the shock of my life and I need your advice!Just a few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I decided it was time for us to take a break. He had been very distant over the past few months.. and confused about where to from here with his career. We mutually decided to have some time apart from seeing each other.Now, we have been together for ten years, ever since I was a teenager. The last couple of years, the relationship has not been very physical.. the love between us was strong (or so I thought), but we didn't tend to fool around anymore like we used to. He was always tired.. and it just never seemed to happen. But I was absolutely in love with him, devoted to him, would've done anything for him.. always kissing him and telling him how much I care about him... I was completely and utterly devoted.. and would NEVER have looked elsewhere for the affection I wasn't receiving back. He never seemed interested in touching me or kissing me.. but I kept trying to keep what we had alive.. Now I look back, and wonder why I couldn't pick up on the signs - but LOVE IS BLIND.Anyways, last year I studied fulltime and he used to tell me I was distant with him and not spending enough time with him... he used to say he was so lonely and he had no one to talk to. I felt so terribly guilty that I was putting him second in my life, but explained how important my career was to me.. and I just had to put everything into my course (which only ran for a short time). I put every spare minute I had into spending time with him... and reminding him how much I loved and cared about him.Last night, I found out (from a reliable source) that he has been involved with another woman for the entirity of our relationship.. and apparently it's become very serious over the past year (while I've been studying). They've been sleeping together.. and all these work holidays he'd taken over the past couple of years.. (where I would drop him out to the airport, hug and wave him off.. have turned out to be dirty trips overseas with her. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. Here I was, thinking he'd lost all attraction to me.. or that he was confused about his sexuality.. or just stressed about his life direction in general.. he always seemed to be in internal conflict... always preoccupied and worried.. and I tried my best to get him to open up to me about what was on his mind. He'd just say, "I dunno... I just have some big decisions to make about my life."I tried EVERYTHING.. and I just feel absolutely deflated. It's funny, but you think that cheating men are what happen to your friends.. you never think it's actually gonna happen to you until it does.You may wonder why I never looked elsewhere, but this man was so good to me in the first few years or our relationship.. and helped me through some pretty rough times.. without him, I didn't know how I would've gotten through.. and I spent the rest of our relationship trying to be there for him. I made a conscious decision everyday to love him unconditionally and be 100% loyal and honest about how I was feeling.. and to be his support person the way he had been for me. When I suspected he had feelings for this other woman (only a short time ago), I told him I just wanted him to be honest and I loved him so much I just wanted to see him happy, no matter who it was with.. but I begged him to open up to me and be honest.... telling him I value our friendship so highly, I was ready to deal with what he told me.. but no matter how many opportunities he had, he kept everything hidden. I said all of this because I figured he meant so much to me, I would rather have him as an honest friend.. and at least maintain some of what we had.. rather than lose him altogether due to him being deceitful.I feel utterly violated in every way. Here is a guy that was there for me through every tough time in my life, only to turn around and reject me more than all those people combined! I'm afraid I'm going to shrivel up and be able to love or trust anybody again..You know the thing that scares me the most? I thought of this relationship as an investment.. he was the man (in my heart) that I was going to marry one day.. and I thought that every minute I spent with him was quality time invested in the most important thing in my life. The ONE year of my life I took some time out to focus on myself (despite spending YEARS sitting at home while he was away on 'work trips' or studying extra degrees...) this was the year their relationship went official. She's lives very far away, but I've since realised her friends and her refer to him as her BOYFRIEND... I've also discovered that during my birthday a few weeks back, he left at 10pm (as he had been doing regularly).. and I now know that while I was tucked up in bed, he would've been with HER.. on my BIRTHDAY.I feel sick.. that I've been living a lie since my teen years.. and my worst fear is that he never even cared about me at all.. that I meant absolutely NOTHING to this man.Any feedback would be sincerely appreciated. Thanks in advanceHeartbroken Girl
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): After a four hour heart to heart with my friend on the phone last night, while I cried the most I ever have in my life.. she asked me if the girl knew about me in the picture. She did. She's even met me before.. while we were just starting out dating.. she came over to his house one night while we'd been fooling around.. that made for awkward conversation...
She's always been in the picture in some way. I don't know why he carried on anything with me.. and stayed living here.. and didn't move 5 hours away to be with HER.
I emailed him and told him never to come near me.. he sent this lovely innocent-sounding reply saying he didn't know what he'd done but accepted it as closure.. I emailed him back (pathetically) and said that without honesty and openness, there's nothing left. I heard nothing back and this afternoon I had a change of thought. I started thinking that because we'd discussed our relationship over the past year and he said we seemed to be more FRIENDS than LOVERS now.. than does that absolve him of guilt? Did he really do anything wrong and am I just overreacting? So I sent him a short, but lovely email saying that I wish him and his partner all the best.. and that although it was hard for me to deal with the news, I wouldn't want us to avoid each other on the street...
I am having so many different kinds of emotions since I had confirmation of the affair 4 days ago... I alternate from extreme anger to sadness.. even to GUILT that it may of been my fault.. that I wasn't attentive enough. It's crazy and if it was a friend of mine, I know the exact advice I'd give her.. GET OUT!
During my weakest times, I'm grieving for my friend more than anything... he was always my friend first and foremost.. the person I confided everything in.. and I was in love with the idea of having this soulmate.. whose life intertwined with mine.. corny I know.. but this has shattered that fantasy.
It's like grieving for someone whose died.. yet they're still alive but in love with someone else. There's no pain like it. I'd rather have a tonsilectomy and a wisdom tooth operation at once.. without the painkillers.. than go through what I'm feeling right now.
After our short and final communications over the past couple of days (through email), it looks like.. (judging by the absence of his car).. that he's taken off on the 5 hour road trip to be with her. So I'm sitting here right now, knowing very well what he's doing this very minute.. and I'm quite proud that I'm not crying... I guess everyday will get easier..
Out of this experience, I have learnt to trust my gut... my gut was turning a year ago.. and I repressed the feelings.. the suspicion.. I asked questions but the conversation was always quickly deferred.. I even considered booking myself into therapy because I thought I was just growing paranoid! It's crazy.
I'm so scared I'm never going to find the man with the qualities I want.. and so scared this will never stop hurting. How, when you've grown with a person since you were a kid.. do you find out who YOU really are once they've left you? We were so much the same.. loved all the same things.. were passionate about the same things... when did he get the chance to fall for someone else during all our time together? It's so overwhelming.. it's like trying to swallow the world's biggest chicken bone stuck in my throat all day everyday...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): I emailed him yesterday to tell him it's all over and never to contact me again. He replied back pretending he didn't know the reason I would do this, but made no attempt to explain anything and thanked me for everything we've done together and how important I was in his life.
I emailed him back and said that without loyalty, honesty, openness and trust, we had absolutely nothing. I thanked him for how he has shaped me as a person and said what we have is finished permanently. I wished him luck in finding the fulfillment he's searching for.
I felt like I wanted to kill him and embrace him at the same time. Hopefully one day I'll look back on how I've handled this and admire the fact I acted respectfully.. even at a time where I wanted to cut his throat out. Rather than feeling anger, my friend has helped me to work through that and actually feel sorry for him.. as he's a tormented soul who obviously has deep psychological issues.
I sincerely hope he regrets his decision though - to leave me behind for a gutter rat who loves all the things the two of us always agreed we hated :O( We had something amazing.. I'm the most honest, open person I know. I don't think he'll ever find a relationship with our emotional connection again.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (17 January 2010):
 I note your honesty, so I am specific in saying this thing,' Don't loss your trust about 'love'.
Lover can be anything like, but love is great. Just as 'sport' is considered great, if not sportsman in certain case, because sport make greatness in 'sportsman'. So, love has that highest status, do not allow your mind to loss your faith for 'love'. Think over my saying, and you will get light.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (17 January 2010):
Everything in your personality sound 'honesty'. I can feel the pain you felt. It is a pain an honest person feel. Sincerely, I have to words to say anything to you, that can reduce your pain, but because you are honest, so time will make you normal.
Your expectation is justified, that at least he should tell you the truth, so that you can at least preserve relationship, I can judge your moral and beauty.
But, please be aware of your this saying, 'I'm afraid I'm going to shrivel up and be able to love or trust anybody again' It is shocking is true, but do not allow your pain to go so deep that damage you permanently. You are so honest, means you are also so much intelligent, and must possess 'wisdom' of life. So, don't punish your life for some unfortunate thing.... is the only thing I am saying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): Feel so much for you, as in exact same position - went out with guy for 3 yrs and he cheated on me all the while through and I hated the woman he was with and not him (doh). What a pathetic excuse for a man - he could have at least told you if he had been unfaithful and break up with you - what a coward. You are soooo... much better off without him, and u r not a loser. You will bounce back and there will be lots of exciting surprises and guys who would kill to have someone so loyal, kind and loving to be with (im not just saying that). I broke it off with the unfaithful boyfriend who didn't have the balls to break it off with me all through his horrible cheating and lies. I just asked myself 1 simple question - what was the last nice thing he did for me? I couldn't think of an answer, was like a massive weight lifted from my shoulders. Lucky you got away, delete his number. Stay strong, you will recover and life will be great again:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): I have something else to add..
In answer to the questions included in your wonderful advice.. yes.. from what I've been told, this slag knew all about me.
The thing is, when we were dating, we actually went to her house once and once when we were fooling around in his bedroom.. she turned up to see him to tell him about her relationship problems.. that was awkward.. the 3 of us sitting on his bed after we'd just been doing it.
She was a nice, friendly girl. I never had reason to dislike her. When my bf and I got together, she would text him late at night (within a year or so.. I never heard his phone go off again.. he obviously silenced it). But when she text, it was like 1am and he used to tell me she had a computer problem and that was all anyone ever contacted him about (he's in IT). I bought that... at 1am.. I bought that.
I just keep thinking WHAT A LOSER I am. The excuses he used to give.. At the end, over the past few months, he was disappearing the entire day.. and being unemployed, I was really starting to wonder where the hell he was going all day every day. I went to the movies on my own one night and that's when I saw him, getting into a car at 11pm. Because he would've assumed I'd have been home in bed. When I asked him about it, he said "no, wasn't me." But he couldn't explain why he wouldn't answer his phone at 2am when I called that morning... (by the end, I was trying all sorts of things to find proof).
My boyfriend was what many would say was a computer geek. Looking from the outside IN on the situation - he was unattractive, NOT a ladies man.. he never even used to LOOK at other women on the street... my parents thought he must've been asexual or would turn out gay because he never wanted to touch me.
Boy was I rejected BIG TIME. I just hope I'm not one of those girls that ends up having similar relationships for the rest of my life.
Ten years of lie after lie after lie. I tell you what, this has been the best diet. I've shed 5kgs in a week!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): Thank you for all your advice. It's all so true. I've already booked myself into see a psychologist (who I have been to before for anxiety over work issues). I'm a big believer in a therapist. I've only ever discussed our relationship issues in the past with a therapist out of loyalty to my boyfriend.. I'm just about the most loyal girlfriend in the world I think... I NEVER vented to my girlfriends because I knew I'd feel like I was betraying him.
A couple of years ago, when I went to see the therapist, I asked her why in 8 years, nothing had happened.. why I could never get him to open up about how he sees our future.. why he always came out blank and confused. I asked her why he wanted to keep the relationship how it was and she said, "Because it suits him.. because it's convenient for him." She probably knew what was happening all along. I know love is blind, but how the hell could I have been blind for 10 years?????
Even though we weren't having sex over the past couple of years, I put this down to him being confused and stressed over his career. I know when men are in conflict, they go into their cave and need space. I always gave him that space. He used to carry around his cellphone and be plugging away at it.. and tell me he was playing games on there.. now I know he would've been texting HER! And I just keep thinking about all those times I dropped him to the airport, when I had no money and my car was running so poorly and uneconomically (last year while I was without an income).. and I would kiss him, wish him the best of luck and wave him off... and that slag was meeting him at the other end.
I had tried to talk to him about marriage, about travelling overseas. He was always going on a work trip at a time where I'd started a new job, or when I was busy with study.. so I couldn't get the time off to go with him. Whenever I tried to discuss our future he would say, "of course I care, I think the world of you." I thought all we had after so many years together was each other.. and I tried to take care of him and be the friend and soulmate I felt that he was to me. I tried to give everything he ever gave me back and a whole lot more.
I thought we had become like an old married couple, but now I know that he lived this entire double life. Over the last year, all he wanted to do was come to my house and watch TV. I used to wonder why, when he gave up his job 4 months ago, how he could take daily naps and still have to leave my house at 9.30pm because he was tired. I would go to bed thinking about what exciting thing I could suggest the two of us could do the following day... and we all know who's bed he was in.
The signs were all there. He never invited me to work functions.. there was always a reason. He used to tell me he liked to keep work and personal life seperate.. and I understood he was just a private, tactful person. His work was a gossipy bunch by the sounds of it.. but now I think he was probably taking the other girl.
You know the most horrible thing? I am a woman who enjoys the simple things in life. I love feeding the ducks at the park, going tramping, going swimming, long bikerides, scary movies.. walks along the beach.. and this girl that he's been with for the same amount of time enjoys drinking, clubbing, fast cars, and permiscuity.
He and I always agreed that bars were seedy and yuck.. and he never even wanted to have a BEER when he was with me.. but it seems in his double life he could all the drinking and dirty sex out of his system. SHE got the best of him, I just got the sloppy leftovers. When he came to my house to lounge around and watch TV for 2 hours (that's all it was in the end.. just 2 hours of him sitting there).. he was just recharging before going to bed with HER. And for someone who lives so far away, she was here plenty of the time (so I've since found out from my reliable source).
Sorry to go on and on. Yes, I do need therapy now hehe.
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A
female
reader, AskLadyJuJu  +, writes (16 January 2010):
 this is awful ..and im so sorry that a woman like you who is devoted to her relationship has been backstabbed by their true love. i know how it feels and it is going to be very hard for you to move on and especially when you move on and have another relationship .. it will probably take u a while to trust again like it took me but you have to be strong because u cant let these heartless fools bring us women down to their level.. not going to happen!! you also said that he has helped you through the most difficult times in your life well the best advice i can give you is that things happen for a reason and he was probably brought into ur life for the simple reason of helping you get ahead and past tough times..i know this is not what u want to hear but its the truth.. and honestly hes stupid not to realize the great woman he had who constantly satisfied him and you was basically a hipocrite to yourself to make him happy ...its time to think about yourself and your career .. life goes on and it just gets better.. just think of it as its his loss not yours and u will meet a wonderful guy who will treat u the same as u treat em' =] goodluck !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): What a fucker! I am shocked and APPALLED that people can treat others this way. I can only second what others have said so far - you are in NO WAY responsible for this. This is HIS karma, his lesson to learn. Keep cool, vent to your girlfriends and to us, realize you are unfortunately in a crowded boat with many people who understand your situation and that by keeping your distance from the asshole, he will only grow weaker.
Looking good is the best revenge. Go running, take up yoga, clear the mind trash and the bad energy from this LOSER, and focus on YOURSELF. Aren't you glad you took that year to study, babe? :) You deserve it - kick his balls to the curb. Cry it out and get mentally ready to rock on!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): Nothing is going to make you feel better except time. Whats done has been done, walk away and enjoy your life. What he has done is unforgiveable and so wrong. Don't question it, don't look for answers, it only hurts more. Embrace this release he has given you and run! Do those things you never did, go travel, meet other men, there are plenty out there. Don't trust just be free and have fun! No words are going to take the hurt away. I feel for you very much. There are so many women out there that don't respect other peoples relationships and men think that they can have numerous lovers and think that it's not going to hurt someone. I don't understand why people are like this!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): You poor girl. What an awful shock. He must be a very weak man. Pathetic in fact. I have a feeling hes going to regret the way he has behaved. Its easy to say you are better off without him. But i dont expect that helps you much at the moment.
He is a very weak person. And weak people look for excuses for their behaviour. My advice would be to tell him how hurt you are. Be a lady. Dont swear. Dont threaten. Dont be hysterical. And dont make up people you have slept with, just to try and hurt him back!! Stick to how he has made you feel, how much you loved him and how hurt you are, nothing more. Dont give him an easy way out by exploding at him, so he can excuses himself because of your `crazy` behaviour.
Tell his other girlfriend what he has been like to you. Warn her if nothing else, because you dont know what hes been telling her! Make him own all the fault. Make him own all the hurt. Trust me. If you try and make him pay by being angry it wont work. If you let him know hes broken your heart and you are are suffering it will affect him far more than swearing. Dont have anymore contact with him once you have said your piece. I would suggest you find a good counsellor. You are going to need some help xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 January 2010):
I'm really sorry about all this. I understand how you feel. I had a girlfriend cheat on me on my birthday, and even though our relationship wasn't as long as yours or as involved, it still hurt. I'm afraid you have been played by this man, who has used you and left you hurt. You're going to sit there and feel terrible, that you were used and that all this has been a waste of time. I don't really know what to say to take that away, because in truth it has been in a lie, and he is a really awful guy who has left you hurt for no really reason. All I can say is that for your sake, it's better it has ended now before you embark upon a new stage in your life. Now the most important thing you can do is work through your feelings, maybe with a counsellor, and focus on your own life. He can't be that great a guy if he has done this, and no doubt the other girl will also end up hurt in the end. All you can do is spend time on yourself, look after yourself and take your time mending your heart. or now, out your heart into yourself and your career. Start afresh, though that's easier said than done. And when you're ready, and in a better place, you will meet someone who will love you.
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