A
female
age
36-40,
*alcantar
writes:Need Help....Well I've been together with my boyfriend for 10 yrs we recently moved in together before we get married by the end of the year.. but something ocured and well i'm very concerned and upset! In the beginning the virginity question popped up and well of course i was a virgin... and well for me it was very important for whomever i decided to give my virginity to to also be a virgin. my ideal relationship was one in where we would learn as a couple together. well several times throughout the years i have asked.. and always he's said no, i've asked because I felt like he was more experienced... ? But since were getting married i asked one last time and his answer was that he did not want to hurt me and he loved me and past is not important..... wtf. what is that supposed to mean you know. he basically explained to me that he was Not a virgin when he met me... I am so upset I love him but... i dont know how to pass by the fact he lied to me! i feel betrayed. i dunno what to do. I feel depressed. please if someone has gone thru this please let me know what to do.. 10 years....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): You have a right to be as hurt and continually angry as you want to be. It won't help the situation to be angry indefinitely but don't let anyone tell you that you don't have a right to feel betrayed.
When the other answers say it's not that big of a deal, I wonder if they're forgetting that you were (are?) a virgin before him. As you know the difference between 1 and 2 is a whole lot bigger emotionally than the difference between 4 and 5 or something.
A
female
reader, salcantar +, writes (4 March 2009):
salcantar is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you very much guys i really do appreciate the advice I did sit back and realize i do love him and i am going to forgive him from the bottom of my heart. but i do hope to god that this was and will be the only time i was lied to.. I do thank you for your time in answering my question... thanks...
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A
male
reader, OmegaXF +, writes (26 February 2009):
 10years is a long time but come on. If he would have told you in the beginning that he wasn't a virgin you would have shut him down completely. You would have been eliminating your choices of men based on preferences. But you do love him. So now when you look back at it is hating him worth it? Or do you enjoy the time you have with him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): 10 years is quite a bit of time and you're letting this thing of his past get to you? Come on.
If it was me, I would understand. I wouldn't think that bad about it. I might be, "Okay. Well, that was a long time ago. I'm a bit stoked that you lied, but it's been ten years baby. Who really cares?"
10 years. This isn't like 10 months. 10 years to ruin your relationship with him? Seriously. Such a minuscule thing. Yeah, keeping your virginity is important to you, but really, come on, 10 years.
If you think that he lied about this, he could also have lied about other things is not necessarily true. This isn't a black and white 'issue'.
I keep thinking, 10 years and you're fretting over this? You're upset about this one thing ten years ago. Did he cheat on you? Did he abuse you? Did he call you names? Did he not make this relationship wonderful? Is he not the love of you life? Yet, you're fretting over this one thing?
Amazing.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (26 February 2009):
 Did he say when he lost his virginity? If it was while you and he were together, then I understand why you're upset.
If it was before you two started a relationship, then I think you need to look at things from his point of view: He is with a wonderful woman he wants to marry, but he feels guilty about not saving himself for you. He is most likely scared of losing you over a mistake he made long ago. Please try to forgive him. Perhaps it was horrible for him, and you two can still learn together, like you want.
If he cheated on you, then be thankful he is telling you this now before you are married. You still have time to decide if this is the relationship you want. From the sound of things though, I'm sure he was young. Would you punish a child for misjudging a very adult decision?
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