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female
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anonymous
writes: i met my boyfriend on the internet we are in love and sex is fantastic. the problem is he wont stop subscibing to date lines and i find it very upsetting i have a low self esteem and this is not helping . i am 40 and he is 46 weve been together 10 months
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2006): To be straight forward with you...you are involved with a man who is not committed nor does he want to settle down. Likely due to immaturity and a massive ego. You are basically just a 'rest stop' in his life, someone he comes back to occasionally for a bit o' fun, but picks up and does what he darn well pleases, when he gets the itch. Men like this, cannot maintain an ongoing relationship. The know nothing of compromise, negotiation, loyalty and devotion. They are self-serving and they feel 'they are the center of the universe."
If he made an arrangement to "meet you" when you tested him with the online fake person, you know full well he has an infidelity problem. So I have ask-why are you permitting this? So many women would answer that question with a "I know he's an ass...but..but I love him!" Does he love you back to be doing this, in the 1st place? Would you do it to him? No, I think not. Trust and respect are the foundation of all relationships...he just shattered that all to smithereens. You have attempted to set boundries by speaking to him time and again, about this problem. He is not prepared to stop.
I have to wonder why you are tolerating this crappy behaviour of his. Don’t ever let anybody determine how you feel about yourself. No one should have that kind of power over you. Stay away from people who tear you down. I preach boundries, because all relationships, need them. So many young women are afraid to draw boundries in their relationships, with their partners, due to fear of loss and insecurity. Sometimes when people disrespect us, we take the risk of setting tough boundries, rather than continually permitting ourselves to be hurt and devastated by a loved one's actions/behaviours. You need to draw boundaries about the kind of behaviour you will permit in your relationships, now and in the future. He needs to learn to grow up and stop using his 'online dating' antics as a catalyst to keep massaging his ego. The problem with dating site profiles is he feels insecure himself and needs the boost rather than loving and respecting you, in a mature way. Honestly...my opinion. Don't talk anymore, just walk. It will hurt like hell, at first, but at least you leave with your self-respect intact.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2006): Thanks Irish for your advice.I have discussed the problem many times with the bf and it is a big problem.He promises to stop and he does briefly but then he returns to the sites(they are all active)when we have a minor disagreement.I might add that just before Xmas i pretended to be someone else and he actually arranged to meet me!!!!Of course i didn`t meet him as my alias nor did i tell him but i am deeply hurt by this ongoing saga
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): First, I need to ask..are his profiles 'active'? If you know for certain, he's still subscribing and they are active, be very aware that one measure of your boyfriend's seriousness and committment to you and this relationship, is whether he has removed his profile from any and all dating websites, or rendered them ALL inactive. Sadly, if your relationship has been going on for 10 months, his dating site profiles should have been removed by the at the least, the 6 month mark, into your relationship. If he's still subscribing,it's probable, he still likes to 'play' around on these sites. Some men do it because they like the availability of a variety of women to flirt with, some do it because they become addicted to these sites always 'looking for that better offer" that may come their way. Some do it because they crave the attentions. For whatever reason, he's doing it...it's wrong and you need to tell him that you won't tolerate his behaviour. It really sounds like YOU are settling into a nice relationship with this man, but is HE? You shouldn't have to sacrifice your character and self-respect, while he continues his 'fun on the dating sites'. Regain your senses, girl, and examine the evidence you have. Force yourself to re-evaluate this man's actions and his character.
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