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female
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anonymous
writes: All my life I've been seriously affected by an inferiority complex - which has worsened over the years by an abusive relationship. Recently I met someone I really like but I'm afraid-afraid of making a fool out of myself--- What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2005): First of all, congratulations!! Bravo to you for enduring hardship and getting out of an abusive relationship. You made the first brave step by taking action and leaving.
My dear- you need to keep reminding yourself that you've worked very hard to get to this place. Before you get too intense about jumping your next hurdle in life, take a moment to stop and really celebrate how far you've both come to escape an abusive relationship.
From you letter, I am understanding you always had a lifelong inferiority complex. You've been though a lot. Shame and guilt from childhood and from an abusive relationships will make a woman vulnerable, unable to trust and she feels alone in the world-thus feeling socially awkward and isolated. As a result, you could be suffering from a bit of social anxiety and I suggest you seek some advice from your family doctor, who may recommend some good counselling. Counselling will provide a safe and supportive environment for you where you can talk openly & honestly, without feeling awkward and ashamed. They will also help you build positive self image and develop a sense of personal control in your life. This will build your self-confidence, that past abuse & trauma took away from you through no fault of your own. What an awesome feeling it will be, to gain a sense of control over your social situations and life, in general. No one should live with inferiority complexes and social anxieties. Dear, you just need to find your own value. Believe in you and do things for you, that will help you reach your healing destination. Last but not the least, please love yourself. You so deserve to do this for yourself. Smile, learn to take compliments and be positive. Remember, what you think of yourself will affect what you feel for others and how you interact with people. So once you see value in yourself you will be able to see the importance of yourslef to others. They say charity begins at home. Likewise, love begins with yourself.
You may want to consider doing this before you get into dating again. Take care of YOU first. If you can turn around your perception of yourself and finally see your own talents and gifts, than any man would be lucky to experience just knowing you. Changing your self-perception will & can have a great impact on the way potential boyfriends will respond to you. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.
I wish you luck with your life, hun and if my advice is way off-just take what you need, from all that I've said. Just strive to be happy. Good luck and stay strong. Take care, dear.
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 September 2005):
 I'm so sorry about your former relationship, but the fact that you're out of it now shows that you have character, strength and perhaps more of a resilience than you realised. Those are all good points.
Without knowing a lot more about the person you're attracted to, all I can suggest is take things really slowly, and listen to your inner voice. Trust your instincts about the way things are progressing and if you feel uncomfortable about something, stop it straightaway.
Being attracted to someone - you'll be mortified to find out - is almost guaranteed to make you do foolish things from time to time, but that's not a crime. The secret is not to be too impetuous. Give a little bit of thought to what you're doing, and think about the likely outcome.
For example, if you're concerned about looking idiotic because you misread the person's intentions, think about ways that you can clarify the situation before you act.
Then remember that (even though you might feel close sometimes), it's impossible to die of embarrassment. Most people you meet have been in your situation, and have no wish to make you uncomfortable, so they'll do everything they can to prevent any long-lasting awkwardness.
Above all, take care of yourself and your own safety. Sometimes women who've been in abusive relationships find themselves inexplicably attracted to people who will take advantage of them, so please stop and back away if you find yourself thinking "I deserved that" or "I just need to try harder".
Maybe if you post more detail about your situation, someone can give you more specific advice.
Good luck.
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