A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm almost 19. A little over a year ago, my current boyfriend and I had dated for 8 months and broke up when I met my current ex-boyfriend, Steven. Steven was okay, not spectacularly talented or smart like my, at the time ex-boyfriend (and now current boyfriend), Jordan. But I liked the average-ness Steven offered because I felt like I didn't have to always put on a show to fit the "pretty, extraordinary" girlfriend role like I felt I had to with Jordan. And, Steven would take me out all the time, something Jordan never even offered to do. I always really liked Steven, and after a few months grew to love him, but he began to get possessive and hated the idea of me being friends with Jordan. Anyway, one morning just before Steven and I left my house, Steven decided he wanted to take my cell phone and read through my texts, read a personal conversation between a good friend of mine and me about a friend of his (who I was trying to set her up with) and freaked. He screamed and threw my phone at me and told me he hated me, etc. I wound up going to school shaking and crying because I've never been berated so badly. I think Steven's hatred for Jordan, and the fact that I felt Jordan let me down and I wasn't fully "healed" from it, and the fact that the morning Steven yelled at me, Jordan was the first to comfort me and drove me home that day so that I wouldn't have to face Steven again, drew me back to Jordan. But after a year, I've come to forgive Steven and within this week Steven has texted me to apologize to me, tell me that he is ashamed of how he acted and is glad that I am happy. I told him thank you and in his next text he said he would like for us to be on good terms and be friends, which was fine by me. Unfortunately, though, he has begun flirting with me and I find myself missing the "average-ness" of Steven and the fun, laid-back personality he had. Steven has called me each morning to say good morning and ask me how I am feeling, sends me romantic quotes via text, and has wanted to "discuss what happened between us". And logically, I know I cannot go back to Steven. But I've somehow found myself gaining this overwhelming feeling of missing him and it is on the brink of making me cry. Literally. It's as if I'm suffering a miniature anxiety attack. It's the cliche battle between what the desire of the soul wants and desire of logic wants. My soul says spend more time with Steven and kindle the old flame, but logic tells me it is just lust, and it will die, and when it does I will be ashamed of it because I will have risked everything good that Jordan and I have built up. What is the best thing to do? :(
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (26 November 2010):
 I think that you have already made up your mind on this one. From the way you described Steven, he sounds pretty possessive and possession leads to controlling which he was really close to with the phone incident. I think you are right. Stay with Jordan (the man who is good to you) and you can always talk to Jordan about wanting to go out more and do things together as a couple.
Steven sounds more of a rebound guy, than a long term guy.
I would stay with Jordan and forget Steven, that will fade. And you will be so much happier without a controlling guy in your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): I feel like, if I were in your shoes, I would much prefer Jordan. He seems very admirable and reliable. Steven seems rather the livewire and possessiveness to the point of trying to control who your friends are is to me, absurd. Why choose average when you have spectacular?
Maybe start suggesting outings to Jordan and he, who'd likely realize his fondness for them, would start to do so in turn. That was the only qualm you had with J.?
As for Steve- oh, I think it best, if you were to follow your heart and choose Jordan, to weeean him off of you; this sort of guy is generally very drama- stirring and unable to remain friends with ex- girlfriends.
-Tante Victoire
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