A
female
age
36-40,
*ellybeans
writes:Hi aunties and uncles:I have been going on dates with a guy 4-5 times. He has been a gentleman. I am traditional and not okay with physical intimacy but since the first time we hang out, he always pecks me on cheek to say goodbye. However, as I am getting more comfortable around him, I am afraid that he has lost interest. Here are the red flags:1. He was late to pick me up for our last date. He was never late before and as soon as I became comfortable, he was late.2. He did not kiss me on the cheek when he walked me home from our last date. We have seen each other several times and ending a date with a peck on cheek has become a ritual. However, when we separated from our last date, I was expecting a hug and kiss but he just stood there and said goodbye. It was pretty awkward. 3. When there was opportunities for him to touch my hand and arm, he did not seem interested at all. I think I should stop seeing him before I get hurt. However, we were working on a project last time and I agreed to finish the project with him tomorrow. I was ready for a real kiss from him tomorrow but after seeing all those red flags, I don't want to see him anymore.It is him project (a hobby project, not work related) and I am thinking I should finish it on my own, hand it over to him tomorrow, and tell him that I am not available to hang out. What do you think? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2013):
 I agree with SVC you need to learn how to communicate.
And I'm thinking you are grasping at excuses to end it. Maybe he IS NOT for you because you have very different taste and interests and that is OK to, but you are NITPICKING him. Looking for red flags and mistakes HE made.
If you ARE interested then let him know, TALK to him. Don't assume anything if the relationship is still new. Even after almost 17 years of marriage I have learned that assuming can be way off.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2013):
 how about you ASK him why the change?
perhaps he's afraid of getting a bit closer and then getting aroused and you shutting him down.
or perhaps he's starting to like you more and is pulling back because he does not want to get hurt.
COMMUNICATION is the key.... do not play games or try to figure it out ASK HIM.....
...............................
A
female
reader, jellybeans +, writes (2 December 2013):
jellybeans is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow I am thinking about it, he probably thought I was boring. He is a sport fan and I rarely do any. He thought I lacked passion in food, and yes I am not picky about what I eat. However, I rarely talk about my passion in music, theater, literature, and art because he doesn't know much about those.
And he did mention that he hated boring people….
...............................
A
female
reader, jellybeans +, writes (2 December 2013):
jellybeans is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies dear uncle and aunties. No he is not the first guy I date. I am not abstinent, but I am not okay with forcing myself to get too close with a guy who I am just getting to know.
He didn't have a problem when I was being "distant" and "frosty". He texted me, called me, asked me out, and was on time for our dates. More importantly, when there was a chance to touch me, he always grab the opportunity to test my level of comfort with him.
All the red flags appeared after I have loosen up: I am letting him hold my hand, hugging my shoulder when we are walking, etc… and as soon I let him get closer, he stopped showing interest…I wonder what I should do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2013):
I think that he has NO clue what you want.
Have you actually TOLD him that you want to go really slow? That you are not OK with physical intimacy? He is NOT a mind reader and my guess is he thinks you are not really interested in him so he backed off.
You have all these 1950's notions of how a guy should act, want to hold your hand and give you ONE peck on the cheek as a goodbye but HE has no clue that THAT is how you see dating.
(not that there is ANYTHING wrong in what you like, but you need to somehow COMMUNICATE that to the person you are dating).
The anon male who says it's way to prudish, I think he is wrong. IF you feel comfortable going THAT slow it IS OK, BUT you can't just expect for your date to KNOW what speed and which things you are comfortable with.
And I agree with Auntie Em... first he gives you pecks and that is barely OK, but then when he doesn't it's a red flag? NO, honey he just can't figure you out. JUST LIKE YOU, he is guessing and probably guessing ALL the wrong things.
YOU initiating a little is not going to make him think you want to have sex right then and there. You want a peck? You give him one first. You say thank you for a lovely night, peck on cheek and see how he reacts.
Is this the first guy you are dating?
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 You say you are traditional and not OK with physical intimacy and I am assuming you have mentioned this to him?
Now you are wondering why he doesn't hug you and kiss you?...I thought you wern't OK with that kind of thing?
He's probably confused and unsure what you are really after so he's getting lax (showing up late) and has now decided not to bother with actually touching you.
You seem pretty intense and are judging him on everything he does and because he isn't going at exactly the pace you want or 'performing' how you think he should, you think it's red flags!!
Sorry to say it but your thoughts are a little controlling and men are very adept at picking up the signs.
Whats wrong with you instigating a kiss and cuddle if you want one so much? Maybe your 'traditionalist' and frosty approach is boring him and if a man doesn't feel the right signals he will back off pretty quick.
Not saying you have to act like a sex maniac, but warm up a little and expect the unexpected.
You are so scared of getting hurt, you think you can negotiate every step...and you simply can't.
Have another date and try being a little more spontanious... it might reignite things.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): It's not normal for a 26-29 year old to only want a peck on the cheek after 4-5 dates. You're being way too prude, and hell yes, that's pushing him away. What are you expecting?
...............................
A
female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (2 December 2013):
Yes! Back off a bit and see what happens
...............................
|
