A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for 18 years I do love him and we have a one year old which we tried for years to have. But for the last 3 year I have been having an affair with my best friend who's showed me so much love , a lot more love than I seem to get at home. He now won't see me unless I leave my partner an start a proper relationship with him. I miss him so much it's killing me but I really don't want to break up my new family either. I'm torn what to do I kno I'm in the wrong and shouldn't have started the affair, but I've always felt connected to my best friend and it all started when I was going through a rough patch with my partner.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): I really feel for you, I really do (not being sarcastic). As you said, your partner cheated on you years ago. This can affect your psyche forever. You can think that you are over it, but deep down, you are never able to re-bond with the cheater in a fundamental way. I think that is why you fell in love with someone else.However, now you have your daughter to think of, as you say. You are going to have to make a tough choice. Only a year ago you chose to bring her into this world with your husband. Is it possible that you will ever find it in your heart to truly forgive him, and move on now that you have both had affairs?If it is not, then you need to cut the cord and live with your best friend, and do the shared custody thing. It won't be easy.Can you talk to a family member or therapist about this?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2017): So, your partner and father of your child is the consolation prize? Lucky him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): I didn't do it for revenge or to hurt him. That's why I don't want to tell him. I love my best friend an he loves me too, we have been there for each other since we were kids, his wife left him an I was going though a rough patch an I feel we really needed each other an we just fell more in love. I think I've lost him now if I tell my partner I'll lose him too. An my partner is 100% the father.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2017):
 You got cheated on by him therefore you should know how horrible it is on a person, it means you should be the bigger person and never make another human feel that way about themselves, it really is no excuse why you started this affair. If you never got over him cheating you should have left. Two wrongs do not make a right and now their is an innocent child stuck in the middle. You need to learn to lead a life as an example to that child. Put your child first and not your sexual needs. Are you even sure it is your boyfriends child and not your lovers?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): Just remember that when you're trying to punish others, the only person you're really punishing is yourself.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 January 2017):
 Anon, punishing them like that makes you just as bad. You can't cry about being cheated on if you'd do it back, even if it's a twisted form of "revenge".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): If my boyfriend cheated on me, I would cheat on him too.
Being cheated on is the worst experience one could ever go through.
Doing the same thing to him is the best pay back.
We are not all the same.
Some of us need to punish others for hurting us. Then we can move on in peace.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 January 2017):
You have to tell him or leave. You can't stay and not tell him. I'm sorry he cheated on you before, but this is how you've made your bed, now you need to lie in it, OP.
Come clean or leave. Being cheated on was horrible, but not an excuse for revenge.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): Thank you for your answers they are very helpful. As for telling my partner though I really don't want to go down that road. Think one of the reasons I did what I did was because he cheated on me years ago and to be honest don't think I really got over it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 January 2017):
YCBS has a brilliant point that those in affairs often forget:
Part of the reason many people get so emotionally attached to their lover is because the affair makes it passionate in ways that a long-term relationship can't be. Once it becomes a legitimate relationship, that lust and excitement will fade over time - resulting in the same as you had in the relationship prior to the affair.
Your husband deserves to know he's been cheated on for 3 years and you then need to go to marriage counselling together, if he'll try to forgive you, or get a divorce started and you focus on being a single mother for 6+ months before rekindling your affair relationship.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 January 2017):
 Well, you certainly can't have your cake AND eat it, so you need to make a decision. Your best friend/lover or your long term partner/father of your child? Your lover has absolutely given you the right ultimatum, so now it is down to YOU to decide which way you go.
I am sure you do realize that, after 18 years, your lover would not be quite as passionate or romantic as he has been during 3 years of a clandestine affair.
You need to decide whether your current long term relationship has run its course (many relationships do eventually) or whether you wish to rekindle the love you had, if only for the sake of your child.
Does your lover realize you come as a package? Is he willing to take on another man's child?
I think your first priority needs to be to sort out the relationship you have been in for so many years. Either try to make a go of it again or end it kindly. Don't forget that this man will always be your child's father and should always have access to be a good father.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 January 2017):
You've already broken up your family by cheating. What example are you setting your child?
You can't keep doing this, OP. Get counselling and decide, but do not restart the affair.
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