A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair with a man I met in April 2010.... He lives 3000 miles away but we talked and texted every day often for hours each day... We also met for get always several times.... We both declared the other was the love of our life and hoped one day we'd be together.... I told him EVERYTHING about my marriage -- which I was miserable in.... But I have 4 kids and was in no position to leave.... Early on in the relationship with my lover, he pressed for me to get things together if I was serious so that when we could be together wed be ready.... He was separated though still very entrenched with her and her family.... In business etc.... But he was not with her according to what he said.... She got sick and I knew he was there for her appointments etc... But he constantly said he'd never have feelings for her again could not be attracted to her and he loved ME.... Things at his office got more stressful and he said his ex and daughter were struggling bc they no longer could stay where they had been and couldn't afford a place on their own.... He told me they were just roommates nothing more and that if anything it just made him realize how special I was.... I truly felt like he loved me as deeply as he said.... As things got more stressful with him there I noticed things were a little different, but he insisted he had no feelings for her and still wanted me.... I even asked him directly MANY times if they were together or if SHE thought they were and he denied that they were... He'd get defensive about it so I thought maybe there was more but I didn't think he'd lie directly to me about it.... He KNEW I was still married and keeping up appearances.... So I couldn't understand why he wouldn't tell me... I decided to let it go bc I still trusted in his feelings for me...Then he started to become really paranoid.... I had said something after he and I had been arguing for a long time .... He was ending things and was very cold about it.... He had gotten upset before about me getting upset , saying he didn't think he made me happy and he wanted my happiness above all.... This time seemed different.... He was harsh and cold..... He'd said no matter what he'd always want to at least keep lines open on some level.... This time he did not... I was exhausted and emotional and felt like he wasn't being the person I thought he was... And he was going against all that he'd said. I asked him if he was just playing me or manipulating me before bc he'd never been this way.... Well, he really got pissed about that.... I felt so overwhelmed with grief and felt like nothing I thought was real really was real.... And at 4am in my frustrated cried out state, I said something about how if it wasn't real and I risked everything bc I believed it was, that I felt so guilty and overwhelmed and I didn't know how I could live with all this inside forever..... Then I went to sleep... In the am I looked and he had texted me many times as he believed I was threatening him! I explain that's not what I meant, and we sort of worked it out but it was always the first place he'd go after that.... Things were just different after that.... And a couple weeks later, I asked him a question and pressed him a little.... And he ended up sending me a text saying he couldn't do it anymore.... Of course I wanted to talk to him and figure out why but he couldn't then, and so we were texting back and forth.... I was asking him if his wife thought of them as together and he always said no.....Finally we talked but he was angry by then because I'd pushed for answers and closure and he basically didn't explain anything. He'd say "life just got in the way" and it's nobody's fault.... He was vague and defensive when I pressed for more info.... He'd say I can't believe you don't understand.... But he wouldn't tell me much if anything. One time he said "no you're gonna make me say it, I shouldn't have to give you specifics.... I wouldn't do this to you if you said it was hard for you or you needed time, I'd give it to you" but he'd give me NO information.... I really just wanted and needed to KNOw whatever it was.... I would've accepted if he had feeling for her again or lost feelings for me or if there were other reasons.... But I didn't understand why he wouldn't tell me so I could have the closure I needed....as a result, I felt stuck.... Sick and couldn't sleep..... I started searching online . On his company to see if there were legal issues, on him, on her.... Just for anything to know what was the deal and why he'd just basically blow me off after how deeply I felt and thought he felt..... I needed to understand, but he'd get mad at me fr even asking for an explanation... I racked my brain and looked up all sorts of things..... Of course I was suspicious that he was back with his wife, but I thout of how many times I'd asked him if he was, even asked if she thought they were working towards getting together.... I tried to make it easy for him to "come clean" but he always said "no".... So that made me more confused because I really didn't think he'd lie directly to me about that.... Well, months went by and I did come across something's on Facebook.... Events they'd gone to together, and a couple comments with him referring to his "wife"..... In September (we'd broken up in may though, so I wasn't sure if it occurred after..... I waited for a couple months and finally sent him an email saying basically "look, I know you're with her" he basically said, yes we are.... But it's not how you think ..... We just decided our lives are shittly right now and it's hard and so we decided not to fight each other all the time .... Just to try to get along.... But he was merely making the best of his situation -- but oh by the way, he misses me and would like to try to talk.... Well, i wasn't sure if I wanted to..... I still wanted an idea of when things happened with her, but he was really vague about it.... And when I pressed him on it, he basically said he couldn't talk about that anymore he had too much stress..... He wanted to talk if we could move forward.... I said I'd try..... There were a couple times he said he could talk at a certain time if I could, but I still wasn't sure I was ready. There were still so many answers I didn't feel he was giving me. And his vagueness made me know there was more to it.... S there were a couple of times we said we'd try to talk and I'd make up an excuse, because when the time came, I didn't feel ready to speak to him...I still wanted to know WHEN they got back together because there were lots of things at the end that didn't add up and I wondered if that was why.... I wasn't sure if there was overlap or not -- he wasn't clear, but I felt I needed to know and that I deserved to know.... There were times we were together that I now had to wonder if what he was saying he felt for me was real??? If he was also feeling it for her? It sort of undid some of those special times in my mind and that was really hard.... He insisted he was just trying to make the best of his situation.... It wasn't passion or true love.... Just a long marriage with a lot of guilt..... And they did care for one another. But he was still vague about the timeline and as I'd press he'd get more angry and harsh and distanced... Then I saw some FB posts during the time we were together..... And times he'd told me he was doing something like for valentines day (elaborate stories he'd create to preempt the situation and tell me why he wouldn't be in touch. He never said he was going out with her, even though I told him I was going out with my husband..... He'd even ask me detail and I told him everything..... He'd get upset if I mentioned something my husband and I were going to that I hadn't told him about.... But, what I saw made clear so many events /trips he said he was going on and specifically she wasn't going..... But she was there..... His birthday when we were together he said he just "wanted to spend the day on the beach with his wife".... But that wasn't what he'd told me..... Obviously, I felt devastated by all this.....but what he HAD explained was that he was 'there for her' during her appointments and stuff and she just sort of "weirdly assumed things"... And he just didn't say otherwise bc he didn't want to fight.... He had told me that he knew he should've told me but he didn't think I'd understand that he was just being there for her because she was sick and that it wasn't feelings..... He admitted that was wrong (barely) but he had a string of reasons to justify it.... And honestly, I could understand what he was saying but I felt like now that I KNOW, why not just get it all out there? But he was so vague.... Like he didn't want to say it was like that most of the time we were,together .... He led me to think it happened after.... But he wasn't ever specific enough for sure.... So when I saw all that and knew it went quite far back on some level or another, I just wanted everything out.... And knowing that he wasn't going to give up anything if he didn't think I knew, I decided to copy the FB comments for him to know some of the things I'd come across..... The main thing I'd struggled with was wondering if what we had was real, or if it meant nothing to him.... I wanted to understand if he wasn't telling me about her, then how could I know what he felt for me was real.... That made him mad that I'd ask that.... So I felt like if he could see and know what I'd seen, then he'd maybe understand where I was coming from and WHY it became so confusing to me.... So, I sent a note just basically saying.... This is the reason I've struggled to know what you really felt for me...all this overlapping makes me question that and that's really hard for me..... I just wanted some reassurance from you about what we had.....and what he felt..... And if he couldn't do that, I at least wanted him to see why I felt how I did given that I'd seen those comments weeks earlier..... I really thought he'd at least see why I questioned things.... Bc he seemed mad that I would question it.... But to me, it seemed only natural after finding that out....Well, when I sent him that email with the Facebook comments attached, explaining why I felt how I feel and why it's been hard for me to understand, he became furious with me.... He said I was "sick, only a sick person would do this and he would never do this shit to me..... He was keeping the emails for his attorney" (he was always paranoid because when my husband found out I was talking to him, my husband empty threatened to take legal action.... So I think that's where that came from) so he was keeping the emails for his attorney and would never speak to me again!" First, I was angry.... I thought how dare he be that way when he was the one who lied..... I thought he was a monster and at that moment I wanted to tell his wife everything.... After I calmed down I didn't feel as strongly about doing that.... But I feel so stuck..... My emotions are all over the place - angry, sad, disillusioned, hurt, devastated-- and I go round and round on this roller coaster of emotions daily.... I think he was wrong to act that way to me, regardless of how I found out -- I'm not saying I was right to go on FB ..... That's not something I normally do..... But I'd been struggling with what happened, and how it happened for SO long.... I needed to understand it better.... And when I found out, I actually felt better, knowing that that's why things changed.... Whether he developed feelings for her, or was just doing what he felt he had to, it explained a lot of situations that hadn't made sense, especially toward the end.... Where he'd be upset at me, if I asked why he didn't text or call when he was supposed to, he'd say I didn't understand his situation, but he hadn't given me all the details to understand.... I was working from the knowledge they were separated, so my expectations were based on how they had been before.... If I'd known he was with her, I would've had different expectations... But when it was happening, I didn't get why he'd be mad at me, when I wasn't doing anything different..... He just wasn't telling me everything so I hadn't adjusted....so, finding out that was behind all that was a bit if a relief in a lot of ways..... I was upset he hadn't told me and therefore set me up to fail with my expectations.... But at least I got it a little more.... And I want to believe he didn't set out to intentional deceive me.... But it's his REACTION to me telling him what I know, that makes me question him the most.... I feel like a good person who cared about me the way he said, wouldn't respond angry at me for finding out..... If I were caught being dishonest with him regardless if how he found out, I would be apologetic to him, saying oh my...I'm so sorry, let me explain.... Or at least, I'm sorry I was less than honest.... I just didn't know how to handle it.... I sent the note to just get everything out there.... If we were to talk as friends, I didn't want a day to come where he might say something contradicting what I knew (believing I didn't know) I felt that that would probably upset me and cause problems down the road.... So I sort of thought, "cool its all out on the table.... You didn't tell me a lot of stuff.... Maybe you have your reasons whether I agree or not, well see how it goes.".... But then he responded like that, calling me sick, and shutting off all communication....... And it's like all the relief I felt to finally KNOW has left me, because now I feel like he's making ME the bad guy here..... I didn't handle everything perfectly...I did plenty wrong and I've tried to own what I did wrong..... But he doesn't fully own his part so I'm stuck..... And it makes me angry and outraged all over again that he'd call me sick and be this way, when HE was the one who'd been dishonest for so long....I've tried emailing him to at least leave things better and I asked him to apologize for calling me sick. He doesn't respond and it's been quite a while.... Like I said, I'm just stuck.... I don't think I want a relationship with him and not even sure I'd want to talk at all.... But I wanted him to leave things in a better place, so I could finally have some peace.... This has destroyed me..... I've spiraled down into an even deeper depression and I am worthless right now the way things are.... I want to get better for my kids.... I feel like I can't move past this with things left this way.... Even if I don't desire a relationship..... For him to turn the tables and make me feel bad or get mad at me, after he'd been so dishonest.... It doesn't sit well with me..... I don't want revenge.... It's not that.... I wanted understanding.... But treating me the way he did because I found him out? That just doesn't sit well with me.... So there is a sense of justice that I want.... But not revenge.... Not to do anything to ruin his life with her .... That's not what I want (though part of me feels like I should warn her.... He seems to take my feelings and my life so lightly, making me think maybe he does this a lot.... That makes me want her to know....if she's going to work things out with him, great but she should know what to look for, and he shouldn't be able to do this to anyone else....) I know I was wrong to step out of my marriage in the first place..... That's really not who I am..... I live in a marriage with years if verbal abuse and neglect... I've communicated very clearly what I need from my husband and way before this relationship began, I told him that because he was too focused on other things not my needs, that I wasn't going anywhere but he should know that feelings were changing..... He got mad.... Then did nothing..... He was so disengaged with me and the kids, it was bad..... Verbally abusive to me and the kids and physically abusive to one of my kids.... His moods shift on a dime and he's scary.... I have panick attacks and I hardly leave my house now because I don't want him mad..... Still I didn't enter into this affair lightly.... I believed it was real and I believed he was (is?) the love of my life.... I've never felt that before..... I wouldn't have pursued anything if I didn't truly believe in that..... I'm not saying it was right, but just that I never do that and I did (do?) love him.... The thing is, when my husband found out about my relationship with the other, he immediately began focusing on me and our marriage ... Too much really -- especially since I'd already jumped off the cliff.... But, because I believed so strongly in my connection with this other man, I did not turn away from the affair and back to my marriage.... I continued hiding it.... And it's been the source of many issues..... And now, because of how shitty he left things with the affair/relationship, I still feel like I'm stuck..... Turning to my marriage now seems impossible -- so much said and done -- and so much unresolved with the other man-- I feel like at least if he and I could leave things on better (or what I feel more fair) terms, then maybe I could focus on my life again..... Mayb I could get better..... But right now, I'm a worthless lump -- I do nothing, I'm paralyzed by my depression.... It's taken me months even to write on this site for help..... I pray someone can help me..... I'm drowning.... I feel no life left... And I have four kids -- I want to get better for them. To be the mom I used to be. I feel so guilty and worthless all the time.... And I love my kids.... I just have nothing right now.... I'm empty..... A shell..... And the feeling of how he turned things around and acted that way seems so unfair to me..... It just doesn't sit well to sit back helplessly and take it...... It's hard to live with myself, to look at myself, let alone respect myself if I can't even stand up for myself somehow...... What can I do?
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 October 2013):
Sometimes people just suck and there's not much you could do about it. You could tell his wife but I'm sure more than one movie has been made about the possible consequences of doing that.
I'd just block him in every way possible and even consider a divorce from your husband. There doesn't seem like there's much hope there, especially if he can acknowledge the things that contributed to you eventually having an affair.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.... As for the relationship with HIM, I do accept that it's over.... I don't think I could ever be with him again now anyway. For me, I think the problem there is more with the fact that after being SO deceitful, HE got angry with ME and called ME sick.... The audacity of that gets to me..... And something in me just doesn't sit well with that - just to sit back and LET him get away with it.... NOT that I want to ruin his life or mess up his situation.... But I feel a need to do SOMETHING about it. I just don't know what? Any suggestions there? I'm not someone who likes conflict... In fact, I'm a people pleaser and go out of my way to avoid conflict and to resolve it if and when it happens..... But, I also have a really hard time with someone walking all over me and I feel compelled to speak up and defend myself.... So, I just feel like I haven't been able to do that.... To the person who said it sounds like I went a little crazy even before, I don't think that's true..... But he'd flip out and get really mad when I was simply behaving as he and I ALWAYS had... If one of us couldn't make our "designated" call time we tried to text and if we couldn't text the other would ask what happened.... He did that and I did that all along.... But then it changed and he'd get angry or defensive when I asked him what happened... Or why he didn't let me know.... It became a double standard and he'd say I didn't understand his situation, but he hadn't TOLD me he was back together and I took him at his word... Looking back, it seemed like he wanted me to understand or know things he hadn't told me.... If I'd known he was "with" her in whatever capacity that was (her perception, his feelings, appearances, wutev) then I would've adjusted MY expectations accordingly.... THAT'S what my situation was so I understood that..... But he said no they were not together..... They were separated...... Maybe I'm stupid for believing him, but I honestly believed we had something different and I didn't think he'd lie directly, so I didn't even allow myself to go down that path.... And IF I did, I'd say to myself, "no, he wouldn't outright lie about it" and so I'd discard that as a possibility of his actions.... Again, I guess I'm stupid but I took him at his word. And it didn't make sense.... I mean, he knew I was still "in" my marriage, so what reason would he have to lie about it? If he was afraid I'd tell her, I had even MORE to lose than him, so it doesn't add up.... But, anyway, I don't think I went "crazy" then.... But I was confused by things. I think finding out he'd lied, and his reaction to me finding out, probably DID make me a little(lot?) crazy ..... That's why I'm on here for help.... As for my marriage, yes I still have love for him.... And I'd love to try and work things out.... We've been to marriage counseling.... The trouble is that he doesn't seem to see things in reality.... He's an "all or nothing" person.... I'm not a psychologist, but when I talked to a counselor about it, she thought that what I was describing sounds like a narcissistic personality type and she said he may NEVER be able to see reality..... He seems to view everything ONLY in relation to how he is impacted..... I know we all have filters and I am certainly flawed.... But it's hard because I try to express a need or a feeling I have ..... It could be as small as not picking clothes up off the floor, and he hears "you're an awful person" .... So for years, I'd express a feeling or need and he'd go there, and I felt like I immediately had to pump him up.... And ignore my needs. I did it for 15 solid years.... And finally I couldn't do it.... And I told him that him not only ignoring my needs but completely disengaging (albeit for good intentions) was causing feelings to change.... I communicate and I wanted him to know BEFORE I was truly done.... He got angry at me when I said that... And he did NOTHING..... then, after a couple months of me being alone constantly, I decided I was going to hang out with friends.... I went out often and stayed out very late sometimes..... Usually just at a friends house one street over, but I avoided being home..... It was obvious to everyone EXCEPT my husband that I wasn't happy.... I'm not justifying it, but I didn't know what to do and I was miserable and having panic attacks.....I don't think he is an "evil abuser" type either.... I think that's why I haven't just gotten a divorce... I feel like essentially he is a good person.... Not thoughtful, and he puts his own needs ahead if everyone's but he's not a bad person..... But he is a dirty fighter..... Ruthless at times, and after years of him getting upset and calling names, yelling snapping, threatening divorce and an UGLY divorce is what he'd promise, being belittled and demeaned, and ignoring my feelings, undermining me with the kids AND airing his feelings with the kids about me..... I just couldn't put up with it anymore..... I'm no angel either, don't get me wrong.... But I DO want to resolve things if we disagree and I go into it with that attitude every time..... I feel like he goes into it to hurt me as much as possible.... Besides, he tends to put me down even when he's not angry..... He does it with the kids too.... He'll make a "joke" but he takes it too far or he doesn't know when to stop.... He's even called my 14year old daughter fat. He doesn't seem to have any balance.... It's always one extreme or the other, so I never know what to expect.... It's a roller coaster ride and it can be scary.... I'm not like that, I'm much more even.... But, yes, I'd love to work things out with him.... I just feel like the only way to do that is if I ignore my own needs.... He's not happy unless his ego is being stroked or at least not questioned.... Idk... That (my marriage) is a much bigger issue, and there's not enough space on this board.... What's really troubling me now, is leaving things with the other man, this way.... I feel like a victim of a crime who's afraid to report it, or to stand up to her attacker..... And as a result, that attacker is going to continue getting away with it.... It eats at me, and I think that's why I feel STUCK... It's not my feelings for HIM.... or that I can't "accept it".... I mean, I'd like to believe it meant SOMETHING but I don't want that now.... But I don't want to leave it like this either.... With me being barreled over and doing NOTHING... ????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): I think you are exagerationg your situation. At your age your children probably are more or less grown, well, , at last they are not babies any more, right? at 41 my oldest was 18, and yongest 13. Though they of course still needed their mother, but not to the point of me being with them every minute of the day. 2 were already driving, and I saw them may be couple hours a day. So, don't beat yourself up so much, you are not that important to them at this age right now. To be a good mom, you need to take care of yourself first. Your affair through you of balance, and it happens with women sometimes. Love is a very serious drug, and the withdrawal symptoms are strong. Your lover did exactly what men do when they want to cheat on their wives. He had his fun, telling you a bunch of lies, and then when passion wore of , left. That's why he was getting paranoid with you, because he saw how strongly you feel about him and was affraid that you will tell his wife. Heard an expression : serial cheater? It s when people when they tried once to cheat, do it all their lives. Looks like your guy is like that. Now it was you, then someone else and it never stops. I had an affair once with a guy who was married,man's was telling me stories for months how he is going to leave his wife. Then he broke it of saying that his wife found out, and he wants to be with his kids. This story as old as this world. You need to heal, and for that you need to stop going on FB and following his life. It's over, now take care of your emotional well being. Get help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): You can't get blood from a turnip and that's what your trying to do. Let the relationship go because it's not one and it appears highly that one will never be. If he wanted to be with you he would regardless if his wife was ill. You are causing you own frustration and depression by trying to convince yourself that he wants to be with you. HE DOES NOT! Let it go. Stop all contact with, to and from him. You need to focus on detaching from the fantasy of ever being with him. It's done and buried. Accept it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 A case study on why we should all be happy with our current condition and let the excitement of an affair go into the wind, Thanks for the warnings.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 October 2013):
Look, you obviously went a little bit crazy after things started going bad with the other guy. It seems like you aren't better yet either. I question your judgment in every way, so I can only recommend therapy...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 Many people will just tell you to get divorced, will good reasons. I think what's depressing is that you feel divorce would make your life worse.There is no excuse for abuse, for sure but I understand how 4 kids can take on your toll. Now your husband is reacting to this like other men would, focusing on you before it's too late. I am assuming your kids are pre teens to teens and are getting more independent. For some reason I don't feel like your husband is the evil abuser type. Just a stressed out man who only knows the way to reduce stress is to hang out with other people, or lash out after bottling things up.
You don't need a good marriage, a good relationship to be a good mom. Whether you are a single mom or a married mom, your kids want you to get your act together and focus on reality and what's more important, such as your mental health and well being. I would let your husband treat you and compensate for all these years of neglect. It takes maturity and the threat of losing someone to wake up and do something. Affair shouldn't have happened, but you had no outlet other than a fantasy, at least you had thought.
I haven't talked about the other man because I think he is non existent for now. He had feelings for you, and then he realized you were not going to leave your marriage, he's not going to leave his marriage, then there is no point in continuing. So he went back to his wife. He is not as depressed as you and could think more clearly. He shouldn't have lied and led you on, making you feel it was real. It was self serving and he took advantage of your vulnerable state.
I can't imagine living a life with years of tension and loveless, then being lied to for 3 years. It would look like you wasted your life and there is nothing good to look forward to. Your kids might not understand everything, and you shouldn't be telling them about your love life, but what you have now is a husband who seems to want to make things work, even if it's just for show, or so that he doesn't look bad in the outside world being a divorced dad with 4 kids. I know you look at your husband and only see his bad sides. There had to be good sides, such as financially supporting you. Even if that's the only thing you can be thankful about show that. In the past when he focused on other things maybe he was trying to get away from all the stress but carelessly he didn't know he was treating the family like he needed to be escaped from.
It would be unrealistic to feel that love in a marriage as romance, butterflies and soulmate, etc. Maybe the love you could show him is to put yourself in his shoes, encouraging him to express his feelings and listen to them?
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (27 October 2013):
I'm not going to judge you or tell you, you are a bad person. I think you have beat yourself enough.First things first. Get some counseling. Get the help you need to get your sh*t together. Take some time for you. You must MOVE FORWARD. You can't keep thinking of the could of, should of, would ofs.....they are not real.Focus on your kids. Yes you were absent but now your not. Get back into their lives with two feet. Do the things that needs to be done. Enjoy a outing with them. Go to the beach, go to the park. Simple things together board games. Where all can play.You must let HIM go. You will always have regrets. We will always have thoughts. He is not thinking of you and he is not missing you. So stop wasting your time.It sounds like your marriage is lost...or is it? This is the time to communicate. Tell him where you are at. Make a decision together if you are going to work on this or it is over. Stop acting like a victim. You got yourself into this mess get your self together. See the beauty that is in front of you. Life has so much to offer. Leaving your life in someone else hands who doesn't love, care, nurture you to be the best you can be, you are wasting your time.You have the power to bring it back together. DO IT!
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