A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So if you read my previous post some months ago a guy I am very interested in gave me his number, I texted him went out a few times and within a week of going out we became physical. But now am totally heart broken because after our first time together he tells me that he wants to keep things casual. I felt so used because he should of at least said that before not after the fact. Few days later he asks if am okay with this kind of "friendship" and I said am not and stopped talking to him, but few days later he still texts me saying he's sorry and that he can still be a good friend I texted him back saying that he was bothering me. Few days later he still texts me, long story short we have been going out again for the past few months and getting physical. I know it's stupid of me to keep things like this, but I cling to hope that he might want me as more than a friend (he once told me "you don't know it might lead to something else"). I have met one of his friends and he kissed and hugged me in front of him after that I met his parents once but he told them I was a friend. Sometimes when we're getting physical he asks if I missed him I respond in general saying I missed his body (to not show emotion), but then he asks if I missed him and one time I said I did. Now I come to find out that he has gone out a few times with his ex (who cheated on him) and I asked if we were exclusive and he says am the only one his sleeping with and it looks like she sees him as her best friend but am wondering if he still has feelings for her. How should I bring her up in the conversation to see if he's still interested in her? (He doesn't know that I know about this girl).In general I would like to know your guys opinion or advise on this because sometimes I just need someone to talk to (even if there is no question). I have no friends and I realize that I keep going out with this guy because he is the only one who talks to me. I have read in other forums rules about friends with benefits (should not meet each others fiends etc..) but it seems like he has broken a few of those "rules", like cuddling after sex and sending me kisses through text so am also wondering if he might of started developing other feelings.Sorry for the long post, but I just want to get my thoughts out and there's so much more I would like to say but won't :( thanks to those who take the time to read and reply with advise.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 You want to know what he feels for you, stop sleeping with him and tell him you want to be properly courted and introduced to friends and family as his GF. You will then know where you stand.
Continuing to sleep with him , will leave you with a broken heart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): Cuddling after sex is just a behavoural trait but nothing more. I don't think he will ever develope feelings for you. He put you in a category of just a sex friend and nothing more.
Next time when it comes to this you will know better how to take careof your emotional well being. You will not entangle with a guy who tells you that may be it will be something more. You are not a begger. With time you will learn how to des regard people like that and never look back.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 November 2013):
 Honey, STOP letting someone "bully" you into something you don't WANT TO DO.
You don't want a FWB, you TOLD him that, you told him to STOP texting you and yet, he respected NOTHING you say. Because he KNOWS exactly what to say to get what he want - FREE SEX!
He KNEW before the first date, that all he wanted was sex. He just didn't tell you til AFTER you two had sex. YOU on the other hand HAD SEX because you thought IF you had sex, HE would want to DATE you. Guys and girls your age think VERY differently when it comes to sex.
HE DOESN'T WANT to date you, he just wants to fuck you - sorry if that is crude, but that is the truth.
You are setting yourself up for so much hurt, because if you KEEP letting this guy DO this to you, you will let the next guy and the next guy..... YOU are setting yourself of for a pattern of being the girl guys will fuck but not date, you are setting yourself up to be a doormat.
Sorry, you are doing this to yourself. TAKE some control over your sex life. YOU are the only one who can. EITHER you want a FWB or you don't. IF you don't tell him no more then BLOCK him from calling/texting you and move on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 You're worth more. The moment you stop throwing yourself at guys for free you will get a lot more respect from those around you. And you will get more respect for yourself. With that respect will come peoples admiration for you, and with that comes confidence. With confidence guys will be throwing themselves at you.. not the other way around.
All it takes is for you to realize you are worth more.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 I don't know from where you or the fotums figured out these so called FWB rules. They are complete bullshit. As if just because a relationship is only , or mainly , physical , it should necessarily be devoid of any warmth, any humanity, any sign of affection, any camaraderie. Says who ? It's just sex, - but it is still sex between humans, not anumals.
There are TONS of guys who like cuddling, kissing, hugging etc. - with no intention though of dating you regularly and / or officially. They'll do what your FWB does. they'll get the whole " GF experience " , complete with morning after breakfast in bed and occasional terms of endearment- without having to bother with any committment, responsibility, obligations and limitations which come with having a real girlfriend. It's a sweet deal for them- the best of both worlds, if they can find someone gullible enough like you, in front of whom they can dangle forever the carrot of " maybe one day " .
No, it's not going to change- he has pegged you already as FWB material , and not GF material. If he is occasionally nice and kind, well, good for you, it's always better to sleep with someone who's got some manners and show some humanity rather than with a jerk who considers you a lifesize , walking and talking vagina. But, this guy is still not giving what you want and need ,- and he's not going to.
As for not having anybody to talk to - well, find somebody to talk to. Call a helpline, if needs be, while you are in the process of making social acquaintances. It's still less twisted and humiliating that having to open your legs on demand just so that you can exchange a few words , or a couple of texts.
Sorry to have to be harsh- I just want to impress on you how resorting to FWB out of loneliness or need for emotional closeness is the worst possible motivation and it leads to disaster. FWB do work some times, do add a fun, spicy dimension to people's lives , without leaving casualties behind. But NOT when you come from a place of loneliness and deprivation ; not when, basically, you are ready use your body as a bargaining tool to get a few crumbs of attention back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): "I have no friends and I realize that I keep going out with this guy because he is the only one who talks to me". This is your predicament right here. You basically feel lonely and you're clamoring for some form of interaction with the opposite sex, but you're going about it the wrong way.First of all, he told you outright that he wanted to just be friends but you continue to sleep with him. In addition to this drama that you're perpetuating yourself, he's also spending time with his ex, and coming from a guy, when I spend time with my ex it's usually for a booty call or something to that effect. Don't make excuses for him because you're in denial.You're not going to change this guy and he's not going to change. You are the enabler in this relationship. It's time to let it go and find yourself a guy who actually wants a relationship and wants to spend time with you aside from sex. No disrespect, but you sound a bit needy and lonely which probably means that you a have a bulls eye written all over you for sweet talkers looking for some fun on the side.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 November 2013):
 I think you are so desperate for human contact you'll accept crumbs from this guy. I would make the brave decision to cut him off and focus on getting yourself some friends. This would mean that you have put yourself out there and meet people who could become friends, it takes some energy and effort. I suspect you are putting all your energy into figuring the FWB situation out and frankly, it's a waste of your precious time.
You have put yourself in this situation that will only hurt you further as time goes on. Why? You have chosen someone who reinforces your subconscious conviction that you are not worth more than that.
You are worth more than that. You deserve to be treated better, by him, and more importantly, by YOURSELF. Stop beating yourself up by allowing this guy to lead you on. Stop living in the future, hoping against logic that he'll magically fall in love with you. He will not. He's in it for himself.
You should be in it for YOURSELF too! So end it, mourn a bit and then, pull yourself together and get out there and make some friends--positive, uplifting, nurturing friends.
Off you go, go be brave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): If you want a boyfriend, then you must require it. If you want an exclusive relationship with someone then you must require it. You are the one causing all this grief. He does not feel the same way you do. And you are allowing yourself to take what you can get, but it's not making you happy.This man is calling all the shots and you want something different. There is nothing to bring up about the other girl. It's none of your business. Focus on what you want from this man and talk to him about all of that, not some other girl. If he cannot give you what you want out of this, then it's time to move on once and for all. He's telling you what you sort of want to hear at the time, but outside of that, he's telling you like it is. You are telling lies at the time, but outside of that, you are drowning in sorrow hoping for something that just isn't there...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 November 2013):
People watch too much TV: there are no fwb rules except you should be friends (not more) that are sleeping together. That's it.
You're obviously setting yourself up to get hurt. I'd end it if I were you, but since I know you won't, just stop looking for signs. Stop wondering if he might end up with someone else. Why? Because it's very likely he will, so just assume he will and accept what kind of relationship you really have with him.
If more does end up developing, fine, but it's better to be realistic about what's really going on so you can be better prepared.
For future reference, unless a guy lies to you he's not using you. If you assumed that he wanted a relationship when you first slept with him that was your mistake. If you didn't just want sex you could have waited a little and got a better idea of what his intentions were. Remember to not pay as much attention to his words as you do to his actions.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 November 2013):
 “but I cling to hope that he might want me as more than a friend (he once told me "you don't know it might lead to something else")”
OP this is THE CLASSIC line boys that want to get laid give to ever hopeful girls…
As for the RULES of FWB… I would not look at the “ones he breaks” as a method for determining how he feels about you.
Listen, He likes you enough to stick it in you… you like him WAY MORE than that are you are setting yourself up to be heartbroken.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 FWB rules are meant to be broken. If a guy is strictly physical and treats you like a blown up doll and nothing else, you would have walked away sooner. In cases the guy does develop feelings, but that doesn't mean a relationship is warranted. A guy can be good to you when he's in bed but at times you need him he doesn't have to care for you like a boyfriend does. You have no one to talk to now because guess what, he's not that kind of friend. A nicer guy would let you move on so you can find someone who is emotionally available to you. "It might lead to something else." That line has been used so many times to keep girls hooked. The unfair thing is it's always on his terms. You are there in case he's finally available to you, and until he completely moved on from his ex. You are an option to him. He tries to make it seem like it's fate and time will tell but don't forget you are the one steering your life. Just because you want something more does not mean you lose power to him.
Not everyone has friends especially for those who are introverted, followers and not leaders. Not every is sociable. You have to be careful because the need for companionship would cause you to hang out with bad influences in your life. Being isolated is not ideal but it's still better than being used. You can be used even when the sex is good.
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