A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and uncles. I have been with my boyfriend for several years now and since I've known him he has worked extremely unsociable hours. He's in the entertainment business so his hours always involve evenings, weekends and almost every big holiday. This has always been tough, but I understand that he's self employed and has to take work where he can get it. However, recently it has started to bother me more and more. I'm so tired of having to go to things on my own. I had numerous wedding receptions and work functions to attend over the summer and I had to go to them all alone because he can never make it. He's never free at the weekend to do anything with me during the day and he finishes late every night too. I work 9-5 so our hours completely clash. It's getting to the stage where I don't want to tell him about invites because I know he'll say no and I'll end up disappointed. Has anyone else been through this? Is there any way to overcome the feelings I have? I love him a lot but I imagine having kids with him and it terrifies me because I feel I'd have to do it all myself while he's out working. He loves his job so I'd never ask him to quit - this is something I need to either deal with or move on from. Is there anyone who's partnered with a doctor or something who has found a way to be ok with the way things are. I do have lots of friends I see all the time and many interests so it's not like I need him to fill a hole or anything. I'm just sad that he can't share much of my life because he's so busy. Some of my friends even joked that I'd made him up! Thanks all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): No it will not work. He needs a partner who either has the same schedule as him or who treats the relationship very casual.
Instead of complaining that his schedule doesn't match yours, why don't you try to change your schedule to match his?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): My husband had a job like that and was also self employed so he had to work a lot. For many years, I only saw him for a few hours on Sunday afternoons every other weekend. We grew apart, I felt like I was single and started behaving accordingly. Then his hours changed to be a regular 9-5. Simply because his business tanked and so he had to take a regular job. He now prefers his new 9-5 job because it is less stressful.However you shouldn't count on it happening in your case. In my case I had one toot out the door of the marriage so I probably would have divorced him after another year or so.I think your bf is not marriage material. At least not if you aspire to a normal family life. Do you want him so badly that you would give up having a family just so you can continue to see him occasionally? It is up to you. Many couples I know do not want kids and they live very non traditional lives together and love it. The point is they live their lives TOGETHER. They travel the qorld together and create joint business ventures together and put in the onsane work hours together at least some ot the time. In your case you and your bf are living very separate lives.
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 As long as your schedules are opposite like this, it's not going to get any better in terms of his ability to attend events you would like to attend as a couple. Only you can decide how high a priority that is to you in a relationship.Do you get to spend quality time with him on weeknights? Is he also bothered by the fact he doesn't see you much? Have your discussions with him about this included any ideas from him for compromise? These are all things I would consider. He may love his job, but in your shoes I would be concerned if his love for work completely overshadows his love for you. His attitude toward the situation would be a huge determining factor (for me) as to whether the relationship was worth fighting for.Something else to consider: you seem resigned to his schedule as a given, but would it be financially possible for him to work a day or two less per month? I don't know what your lifestyle expenses are like as a couple or what your financial situation is like, but you do mention you work also, so your household as a couple isn't reliant on JUST his income. Unless you are living paycheck to paycheck, there are probably parts of your budget that could be adjusted to cover a missed day of potential work on his part. Coloring your own hair, cooking at home instead of eating out a time or two, skipping a manicure or a new pair of shoes - or maybe you could babysit a night or two while he IS at work and use the money you make to enjoy a night with him off the next week? Without knowing your exact situation it's hard to know which of the above could apply to you, but you get the idea. The key is that he'd have to be willing to make you a priority and miss that one day of work here and there even though he also loves his job.I've been in a similar situation for the past year, so I have a taste of how hard it can be and I truly feel for you because of it. I've been able to spend just one day/night a week with my boyfriend since March because we both work in public safety (for different agencies) and have weird hours on completely opposite shifts. In our case our schedules are set for us so we can't just choose whether to accept work that day or not, or I'd be making use of the advice I mentioned above. My friends joke that he probably has another girl the other six days of the week, but I know this not to be the case so it doesn't bother me. That, and our schedules are about to change (finally!) so we'll have much more time to be together. Since neither of us plans on changing jobs we're both aware that this situation is likely to arise again in the future, but we're in complete agreement that we'd rather be with each other only intermittently than with anyone else on a more consistent basis.A day together here and there is still a very hard way to have a healthy relationship, so I think that's the same point you and your partner ultimately need to decide on with regard to your own relationship: is what you have worth it, or do you need a relationship where more quality time with your partner is possible, even if that means finding a new partner? There's no right or wrong answer; every couple has different priorities and different limits to what they can and can't live with in a relationship.Honestly though, I would strongly encourage an open and non-accusing conversation with your boyfriend over where he sees the relationship going and whether there are any aspects in which he's prepared to compromise so that you two can socialize as a couple every once in a while. Let his answers help guide and inform your decision on this.Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): That is super tough. Only you know if you can handle it. Is it mostly weekends that he is busy? Do you get to spend weekday nights together? Maybe the odd weekend during not so busy seasons? I do want to point out one thing about if you have kids together. Yes, maybe you won't get to do the weekend day trips to the zoo as a family, but it would make it easier in a way to have conflicting schedules. He could look after the kids during your 9-5 job and then you could take over when you got home. Personally I couldnt deal with that, but then again I married someone in the military so I have to deal with periodic long absences. And I do it because I love him and have decided that the pros out weigh the cons.
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