A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:God I feel so pathetic writing this. I am a grown woman, in my early thirties! And I am writing a message like some emo teenager about how hurt I feel by the behaviour of my parents! I recently went through a divorce. I left an abusive partner, who didn't lift a finger around the house, after enduring 16 years of the relationship (we got married far too young). I understood at the time that this would be a shock for my parents, not least because I had kept the many relationship problems we were having from them. I realize now that this was a mistake, and that I should have been more open, but before you judge me please bear in mind that the end of my marriage coincided with a period where my mother had breast cancer and was undergoing round after round of operations, radiotherapy, and chemotherapy. I didn't feel like I could burden the family with my marital woes at a time when everyone (including me) was terrified about losing her. It just felt selfish to be focused on my own problems at a time like that.When my Mum was in remission, I did finally tell them that the relationship was over. My parents were really very shocked. But then they became outright unsupportive. They made it clear that they thought I was lying about the abuse, and my Mum even said that she didn't want to get emotionally involved because she thought we would get back together (despite the fact that I had never split up from him previously). They even continued to have contact with my ex. I am ashamed to say that three or four times, I rang them up crying because I didn't have anyone else to talk to. My Mum made it clear that she was just 'letting me vent', never showing any sympathy but always answering everything I said with a non-committal 'uh-huh' or 'mmm-hmmm'.When my partner left the house we jointly owned, he trashed it, leaving me with a massive clean-up job which took two weeks of backbreaking work. I couldn't afford to pay someone to do it, so I had to do it myself. Despite the fact that I was highly stressed about having to deal with this on top of the breakup, my parents did absolutely nothing whatsoever to help. I had to manage this while working full-time, but they are retired, and could easily have come up for a few days to help me out. While I was going through the divorce, they kept telling me about their everyday stresses, as if they were in some way equivalent. So I would say something like 'Oh it's been a really busy week, I had a really horrible meeting with the divorce lawyers, and my ex is trying to claim all my worldly belongings are his' and my Mum would honestly say 'Oh, we've had a very tough week too. The supermarket was out of grapefruits'. They just have absolutely no perspective on things!! My Mum even once said to me 'You have to realize this is difficult for US! You are forcing change on us'. When I started seeing a new man, they refused to meet him because they 'didn't know if it would last'.Meanwhile, my sister lives with my parents. They cook for her, clean for her, do her washing - she has absolutely 100% support. I understand that we all tend to do more for people that are closest to us (geographically and emotionally), whose pain we understand, but I find the size of the gap between the love and care on offer hard to deal with.I haven't seen my family since Christmas, when my Mum met my new partner but sulked for the entire time we were there. I work two jobs, and I do a lot of voluntary work, plus I am currently selling a house. I live 300 miles away, so I can't always get back at short notice. I rang up today to ask whether I could see them this weekend, because it's been 6 months. They told me that my sister had significant work stress (though she works Monday to Friday) and they didn't know whether this would be possible.Honestly, I try to be mature and adult about this, but I feel rejected. I hate this - it makes me feel weak and pathetic and hugely immature! Rationally, I accepted a long time ago that my sister and I would never be treated equally as siblings, yet emotionally I am constantly surprised that they still cause me pain. My Mum makes it clear that she disapproves of my lifestyle and thinks that I am selfish (she is very judgemental). I also think she has unresolved guilt because she was emotionally and physically abusive to me as a teenager. (Again, I realized a long time ago I could either spend my life being angry about this, or I could forgive and move on. I chose the latter path). I would appreciate advice about how to have a relationship with my family that is emotionally safe for me (i.e. which doesn't leave me constantly feeling pained and rejected), but allows me to have them in my life. Please feel free just to be completely frank - if you think I just need to grow up, say so! I will not complain or vote you down for it! I just really need some straight-talking advice. Sorry this is long :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011): Thank you all for your responses (I am the original poster). I am so grateful to you all for taking the time out to answer.
I know my parents' behaviour is not normal, and honestly for the most part I don't carry bitterness about this any more (I did in my early 20s - now I am able to see it as their issue, not mine). But despite everything I know, despite counselling, and despite being quite self-aware about my emotions and drastically downgrading all my expectations, I find myself occasionally disappointed and hurt by their actions. I don't want to keep getting hurt, but I don't want to have no relationship with them either. However they treat me, they are still my parents and I love them.
Chigirl is truly perceptive when she says that their behaviour of my sister is overprotective and damaging. This is spot on. It is favouritism, but it is not favouritism with good consequences for its subject. I should be grateful that their treatment of me has made me more independent and able to stand on my own, while my sister is crippled by self-doubt and anxiety.
Abella - your advice is always wonderful and you have a great way of telling things as they are and remaining kind and caring. Thank you.
Marieclaire- you made me laugh! You are right about the fact that I need to stop seeking approval.
The anonymous poster - thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I drew so much comfort from your words. I have had counselling, mainly because I didn't want to replicate the cycle of violence and abuse with my future relationships, and it really did help.
Mariab - sometimes I wish I could do that! But honestly, it would just cause hurt and they would not understand. My mother honestly thinks that the emotional and physical abuse were my own fault, because I was a difficult child. To some extent she is right - I have always been very headstrong and I do not always like rules!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011): Please don't worry...you are not pathetic. It is not your fault you feel as you do. I'm in my 50's and my mother sounds a lot like yours. She said she felt sorry for my emotionally abusive ex husband when i finally left him. I couldn't believe that remark. I had absolutely no support either. She took but sadly could never give the love she demanded. I sought counselling and it helped me put things into perspective. I gained insight and more importantly, serenity! I don't actually see my mother anymore but that is how things suit me. Do try some counselling and see how well it helps you, because it will. You might find a safe way to keep contact with your parents or you might decide to have some distance for your own sanity. My thoughts are that your mother could be unintentionally trivializing what has happened to you because she recently faced death. By comparison she might feel your problems aren't as important. When in survival mode, people can become incredibly selfish. And she could be in denial regarding your ex partner and the abuse because it makes her feel uncomfortable to contemplate the thought. People who were abused as children, often find themselves in abusive relationships when they grow up. If she was a physical and emotional abuser when you were growing up, she might feel some responsibility for what happened to you more recently during your marriage. An uncomfortable thought for any parent. Denial is a great escape route! With respect to your mother, any parent who abuses a child (even a teenage child) has 'problems'. Having any sort of relationship with someone like that is always going to be a challenge because they clearly can't love normally.I strongly recommend you 'treat' yourself to some good counselling. You need to untangle your thoughts and feelings regarding your abuse as a teenager and your abuse during your marriage. Only then can you decided with any clarity, what sort of relationship if any, you want with your parents. Best wishes x
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (14 July 2011):
 They obviously do not want to give their support so my suggestion would be to pick up the phone... tell your parents EXACTLY how you feel in as few words as possible and then tell them that you will not be pining for their approval anymore. And they can take it how they like!
There is no point digging for water in a well you know is dry. Tell them like it is and then distance yourself...if they have any ounce of humanity in them..they will eventually realise the error of their ways. Good luck and I hope things look up for you... xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 July 2011):
 I'm not sure you would call what your little sister gets as support. More than anything it sounds like they baby her, and to a higher degree than what it appears as to you I think they control her, and could possibly make her life miserable as well. But maybe she's like you and also keeps things hidden.
I don't think you made a mistake by keeping the marriage problems to yourself. It is, after all, private business. Talking about marriage problems to your family could be a worse mistake, in case you end up staying with the person. Everyone would resent him from what you'd been saying about him, making staying impossible. So I think you did right in keeping the difficulties to yourself until you knew what path you wanted to walk (divorce or stay).
Feeling rejected stings. It hurts. And it isn't a nice thing to do to others. But, all in all, they have their reasons I guess. When past friends rejected me (makes up excuses for why I can't visit, or say they can't meet me because they are sick and then I find out they were meeting someone else, so it was all crap) I would end the friendship. People like that aren't worth keeping in your life.
So first off you need to remember that these people are family, not friends. They don't have the "friends-commitment" they need to keep. Your parents don't have to make you feel better, or nicer, or welcome, in order to stay your parents (a friend would have to keep a certain standard in order to stay your friend, to compare). You want your parents and family to keep a certain standard with you, like we wish parents could ideally be. But they aren't those people, they aren't nice supportive people who welcome you. At least not at all times. And unlike friends, you can't just cut them out of your life when things get tough.
The only options you have here are to either accept that you aren't getting any support from your family, and not let it depress you. Or you can cut them out of your life completely and try to not let THAT depress you. Both paths are hard and hurtful... which one is the lesser of two evils?
Finding a way to deal with the people who are important in your life is an on going process. Long time ago you decided to move on from the hurt you received as a teenager. That was what worked for you at that time in your life. Now something else might be needed, another way to deal with them, as these situations continuously evolve, they don't stay in a fixed state.
What worked for you back then might not work now, something else might be the solution. Maybe not having much contact with them, but see them once or twice a year, is the best solution for now. It doesn't have to stay a permanent solution, maybe in 3 years it will have changed again. Try to make the decision that is best for this particular time of your life, without worrying that it becomes a permanent solution.
I have also found that when family is less supportive than you'd wish, or see as ideal, friends are good to have around. Or you can turn to extended family, such as cousins and aunts and uncles. My aunt is closer to me than my dad, and my brother has even cut all contact with our father. For years I've reached out to friends instead of going to my family, because my family isn't there for me either. Maybe this has meant that I set a high standard for my friends, and keep few of them, because they substitute my real family. Different friends are also good, as they can bring different things that you need. One friend for example can offer a listening ear to your worries and rants, and another might not be good at listening, but is good at helping out with physical things (like clean up a house that has been turned upside down).
Making these friends takes time, but you can find them in time too. Even if you don't have them right here and now doesn't mean you wont find them in the future, and if you do, hold on to them because they can become very important to you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (14 July 2011):
 Hi
I tried to find some relevant aricles, looking at AnonymousMale1 first of course as he is so reliable for good articles.
Not sure if any of these three articles will resonate. But hope they help
Regards
Abella
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-it-is-important-for-him-to-earn-your-love.htm
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/it-is-domestic-abuse-so-why-would-some.html
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 July 2011):
Stop putting yourself down. You are not pathetic at all. You stoically put up with the abuse. Suffered alone. You know not to put up with abuse again. And you know not to suffer in silence ever again.
You demonstated empathy by 'doing it alone' because your Mom was ill.
And when you did reveal the truth you did not expect your family to judge you nor doubt you.
And when someone is sick we often try to shield them from even more grief going on in our own lives. But you have needs too and a problem shared is usually easier to cope with. In hindsight you probably did do the right thing. But now your consideration has been repaid with a lack of empathy on their part. That is not acceptable.
So they were shocked, outright unsuppportive and implied that you lied about the abuse. Well you did not lie. Seems to me that perhaps your ex has been 'white anting'you and your reputation and making out he is the little ray of sunshine with your parents. Why else would they refuse to believe their own daughter?
'Didn't want to get emotionally involved'??? What kind of mother talks like that? Impossible. When a person wants to sit on the fence I say 'stay there and get a groove in your ***' Because as soon as they say that hey have taken sides. And it is not your side.
Get some counselling to cope with your feelings away from your seriously unsupportive thoughtless mother.
I hope you took photos of the mess he left. What a great decision you made to cut him out of your life. Very good judgment on your part.
It is now time to put you first. When you get that counselling see if there is a qualified psychologist who does 'Life Coaching' and get a written plan up and running to live your life the way you want to where you want to and associate with the people you want to be with. That may or may not include your family. It is up to them if they want to learn a little about family bonds and caring and empathy.
'Out of grapefruit'? Boy of boy your Mom really knows how to keep things in perspective! NOT.
Just get on with your life. Speak to them respectfully but don't expect support. They seem incapably ignorant of how to give support.
Get your plan in place before you make any big decisions about another partner. You need to know yourself better and get much stronger inside, so that you can smell an abuser at 100 paces away. Try not to rush any relationship untill you have your life where you want it headed.
Step away from your parents a little. Remember their birthdays and Christmas and Special days with a card and a phone call. Give them an occasional call to ask how they are. But don't stay too long on the phone because they are only going to stress you.
Get your own life in very good order.
Of course you feel rejected. You are being psychologically and emotionally rejected. Parents are not always EQUITABLE (Fair) about the way they treat their children. One does not expect equal. But you do have a right to Equitable.
You need to step away from your family emotionally for a while, even though you still phone and contact them. Because your family are toxic to your health.
Perish the thought that you are selfish. Your Mom may even feel guilty about how she treated you.
I think you do need to keep up with your volunteer work. Keep being hard working. touch base occasionally but don't be too open emotionally to your family as they will still hurt those deep psychic wouds they have inflicted on you.
Try living your life paying your bills, being reliable and being the responsible person you are. Value you. Do nice things for you.
Live your life and don't expect validation from people who refuse to value you.
When you do visit them don't walk in all swish and dressed very well. Just come in dressed casual and everyday. Don't put yourself out for them too much. Don't try to buy their love with expensive gifts.
They need to earn your support.
But remember 'what anyone thinks of your is NOT your problem, and NOT your business. You are a busy woman, you have nto got time to worry for the world. 'What they think of you is entirely their problem. They have the time to dwell on it. Let them waste their time. Don't make their problems your problem. Because Life is TOO short to worry about what everyone else thinks.
Just concentrate on doing the best best for you.
That is not selfish. That is how people get ahead. And you certainly deserve to get ahead, with or without their blessing.
Good Luck
Abella
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