A
male
age
36-40,
*adakiss87
writes:Two weeks ago I met a girl from a online dating website, Im 25 and she is 23, we spoke on there for a few days, swapped numbers and found out we lived 2mins from each other. We arranged for a date a few days later and before we knew it we had seen each other every day for the next 5. It felt great like I had known the girl for numerous years, we shared interests and humour. I eventually went back to hers to meet her three kids her eldest is 4 the next almost 3 and then the youngest is almost a year old, after we both decided we wanted something from this. The kids were great and although I have no parental experience whatsoever it feels pretty easy relaxed and they seem to like me, I really like them. She was very open with me and told me about her ex who she has the two older brothers from and how he beat her to within a inch of her life whilst carrying the first, she went on to gain full custody of the boys. And then the most recent guy cheated on her twice before they fell pregnant by mistake and he didnt want to keep it. She was 12weeks gone and felt she had to. Now he is being a real pain in the backside, turning up unannounced at her place and constantly arguing via email. Until two days ago he had his own key and was helping himself to stuff like the tv, the kettle, the fridge, the sofa. The three questions I have area) Will the ex ever be civil as I'm going to need to get on with him eventually, what can I do to help this?b) How do you go from being a young guy to a parent over night with no experience?c) How do you deal with raising a kid who at 18 might walk away from you?Thanks Rich
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male
reader, Jadakiss87 +, writes (4 October 2013):
Jadakiss87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice guys, unfortunately it didn't work out, she became selfish and nasty. I left her after much consideration. Still miss the kids now though, that's the hardest thing
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (1 September 2012):
 You should not expect her ex to be civil. But she could certainly draw some boundaries and hopefully has already changed the locks on her house so he cannot come over unannounced and take things. She can also draw some boundaries about acceptable behavior. If he begins to fight and argue she doesn't have to respond. She can choose to ignore him which will end the strife right then and there. She may have to share some visitation priviledges with him, since they have a child together, but that is only if there's a court document that says she must. If there is not, she can completely ignore his obnoxious ass. The good thing about raising kids when you have no experience is that these kids are so young they can't possibly be screwed up yet. Just try raising them when they're 12. And yes the could walk away from you when they grow up, but if you love them, and have been in the trenches during their lives, most likely they will not. "Train up a child in the ways they should go, and they will not depart from you". That doesn't mean spoiling them rotten or giving them everything they ever want, but it does mean, listening to their problems and helping them learn how to solve them. Teaching them responsibilities around the house. Helping them learn how to earn money (baby-sitting, mowing the lawn etc) and understanding how to be thrifty with the money they've earned so they don't blow all of it on a bag of candy or something equally trivial. It's telling them you love them even when they are mad at you because you grounded them for acting up in the grocery store or spanked them when they talked back. You can discipline a child with love and still teach them how to respect people in authority. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 September 2012):
 Okay well the answers to your questions are
A) He needs to be told from your girlfriend to back off. Okay so he is the father to one of her children so he does have the right to see this child, and maybe they can come up with a schedule so that there is a routine to him seeing the baby and stick to it. She needs to tell him he cannot just land whenever he wants. She needs to explain to him that she is moving on and that the only contact they should both have now is in regards to the baby. As for your part in it well there is nothing you can really do but be friendly to him and polite.
B) Yes it is a lot to handle you are right, but you need to remember that you only met this girl two weeks ago and everything is so intense already. I think you need to slow things down and take your time before talking about being a step father. I get that you get on well with the children and you want to try and be a role model in there life, but you need to slow things down as you are still a stranger to them and I am sure that between the two ex partners your ex has had they have seen a lot. It is much to early to be thinking about taking on the role as a father, you also need to remember that they all have fathers which can never be replaced.
C) Again it is much to soon to be worrying about when they turn 18. It has only been two weeks, you really need to slow down here before you get your hopes up and get hurt, I am glad you and her are getting on well but slow it down, because planning the rest of your life based on someone you barely know is quite dangerous. As for having to worry later on down the line if the children are going to leave well again there is no point worrying about this, as nobody can tell what the future holds, and if you are a good role model in there life then they will grow up to respect that and respect you, but you will never be there biological father and that you need to accept.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): It's still very early days. You've only known each other for the last couple of weeks.Take things slowly. It sounds like she's got a lot of things to sort out before she'll be ready for a relationship. The idea that until very recently her ex could come and go in her flat at will is a bit strange.1/It sounds like the ex is going to be a problem. He didn't want to have a child with her and now he's got the responsibility for the next 18 years. When did they split up? It still sounds pretty fresh if he feels able to come and go as he pleases (plus the arguments etc). It's really too early to tell how he's going to be, but if he is a pain, he can make things difficult.2/I found that it depended on the kids/ex. If the kids are ok, then it makes life a lot easier. If they play up all the time, it's much harder work. If the relationship with the ex is good, again life is much easier. Are you settled yourself? Do you have a good job, home? It's not easy bringing up someone else's kids, but it can be very rewarding.3/Whether or not you're a parent, it's a risk everyone with kids faces. All you can do is your best and see what happens.My advice though would be to take things slow for a few months and see how things go. See how the ex is, see how the kids are once they're used to you. See if she's on the rebound or is really in to you. You've really only known each other for a few days, don't jump to take on 18 years of responsibility.
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