A
female
age
41-50,
*risten1974
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend "retired" a year ago, and he is taking some time off to figure out what he wants to do when he grows up. I can appreciate the need for contemplation, but he wants to figure it out before we talk about our future and starting a family. I am frustrated beyond belief and the feelings are manifesting in other ways because I'm trying not to pressure him in this area. Part of the frustration comes from the fact that he stays at home a lot. I've seen pornographic websites in his history on his computer and he frequents a website where I can see his posts (they are semi sports-related but a lot of talk about T and A as well), so I know he spends a lot of time there. Should I let him know how I feel knowing that he will feel pressure from this line of questioning, or should I just move on? We've been dating for two years, and things have been very rocky the last few months because of his unwillingness to get on with his life! He is committed to me, I feel, but not willing to make things permanent yet until he figures out his career. Also, he is now supposedly writing a book --which could take who knows how long? Any advice from someone who has been in this situation before would be greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (27 February 2009):
If you ask him nicely when he is going to be ready to marry you, get a new job and start a family, then he might very well get defensive because he's obviously enjoying the fact that he's a kept man, and you do all the work and he sits at home looking at porn.
So I would just tell him:
I am unhappy.
I want to get married.
I want children.
I don't think you are going to be ready for this any time soon.
I think I need to find a man who's ready to grow up and settle down.
The fact you say you are thinking about moving on rather than "daring" to ask him to get off his arse makes me think this guy is hardly perfect.
Tell him that you are leaving since he's not providing and then go.
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): You can't hurry him up or make him do what you want him to do. I think though you have a right and a duty to ask for what you want, marriage and a family.
What you can do is realize that until marriage is on the tabl and a ring is on your finger, you are in an imaginary relationship, you are merely dating in his mind believe it or not...and this could go on indefinately because he is getting what he wants and you are not.
You should move on in that you need to start dating other men and you can say to your man, "I don't want a boyfriend, I am wanting to find a future and someone to settle down with and have a family. You have every right to take as long as you need to decide, but while you decide you cannot have me all to yourself. I am going to be dating other men, starting with just coffee dates....if you want me to continue to wait until you are ready, you have to realize that you risk losing me But I think that is fair.
He may not like it, but tough. He KNOWS he cannot expect you to wait on him any longer, and in fact he probably doesn't realize it himself, but he has lost respect for you by your hanging around in this wait and see scenario for so long.....sadly, people want what they can't have and when he sees other men valuing you, it just may be the jolt he needs, and if not, you aren't wasting your love life on a dead end proposition, and you just might find someone else is the love of your life.
Good Luck,
...............................
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