A
male
age
30-35,
*oodygoat
writes:Hi,I've in my late 20's and I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. I love her and she is an amazing woman but our relationship has recently taken a lot of hits and it's affecting both of our happiness. To the point, we are both seriously considering our future together.For the most part, our relationship is great and we get along and support each other, but we have a core issue which revolves around faith. We are from two different cultures, which isn't a huge issue but also follow two different faiths. I believe in god and have a monotheistic faith, whereas she says she believes in god but follows Buddism which she acknowledges don't believe in god and also from my understanding and research on Buddhism, they denounce a god. God plays a central role in my life and therefore I have come to realise that I simply can't be with someone that believes in god.To understand her situation more I suggested we both explore each other's religions and educate each other on our faiths, and this had led to a lot of tension. I am someone that does research and will get the facts before speaking about something, whereas she doesn't base things on facts but assumptions and therefore has led to her saying some pretty ignorant things.All in all, this woman is a great woman and I love her and believe she will make a great wife and mother one day, but I simply can't overlook these barriers that we are facing. Relationships are hard enough, and on top of that we're a inter cultural and interfaith couple that are not seeing eye to eye on core fundaementals. I would like to get your opinion on the matter based on the information I have provided you above and the list of pros and cons I have highlighted below. What do you think is the next step in our relationship? Should we continue our journey together or do the hard thing and say goodbye?Thank you in advance.ProsShe’s beautifulShe has a great personalityShe’s patientShe has a good heartWe have a good connectionShe is caringShe understands meShe makes me happyShe will make a great mother and wifeConsShe’s conflicted about her belief in godWe are not from the same backgroundWe don’t share the same cultureWe don’t share the same faithOur family values are differentShe’s too open minded - meaning she believes everyone is entitled to behave the way they want and do what they want. She lives in an ideal world.Some of the things she says are not based on facts and are ignorantShe’s not purpose drivenDoesn’t practice self education Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Moodygoat +, writes (4 February 2018):
Moodygoat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE
Thank you for your response, and I can relate to a lot of what you have said.
You are right, we can be flexible when dating or outside of marriage but things do get complicated when marriage on the cards because this is the person that you will potentially commit the rest of your life to. This is the reason why I am trying to find answers now before a decision is made, and although it's not an easy journey to take I must take it for her sake as well as mine.
It is on me to make a decision and live with it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2018): I think the answer depends on how you view or interpretation of your own religion and of her religion. For example, some monotheistic religious Christians view things as more of a metaphorical tale, with yes one central spiritual being or god fuelling creation. Other monotheistic Christians might take things more literally. And I wouldn't say Buddhist's don't believe in god...certainly not in the same sense as a monotheistic religion but there is a sense of the divine.In any event, I think of the novel "The Life of Pi" where the character followed multiple religions because he believed that the path to god could be attained many ways. I have also met clergymen even in the monotheistic religions who had a similar outlook believe it or not! But for you it seems that you take things more literally and that is absolutely fine, but that also probably means that you feel that you must find a partner who shares your religion.You need to decide: do you feel that she is sinful for not believing in your religion? If so, you will look down on her and this will lead to incompatibility. Do you feel YOU are sinful for not finding someone with the same view, or for not converting her? Again, in that case this can't work. Why don't you talk to a religious advisor in your faith and get their perspective on the issue? It might give you some insight and guidance.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (4 February 2018):
 I think because you are asking this question, you should break it off with her. Lots of religious men are willing to date women from different cultures/religions, the ones that cant are very similar to you (they only see life thru their own eyes).
I wonder if this entire time you have thought about life from her perspective. But she has repeatedly been accommodating to you. If she is beautiful, open minded, and adaptable and makes YOU happy....yet you still feel something you missing, then you clearly see the cup as half full so please break it off. I think you are young and feel like your religion is fundamentally all you are, so break it off and let this girl find someone who can accept her as she is.
Im a Atheist and have amazing amazing religious friends . But I know personally I would never date a religious man seriously nor pursue marriage or even kids with them. The possibilities there are so low, but I make friends from all background and just like your gf, I believe people can believe what they want if it gives them a sense of purpose and theyre not jamming it down someone's throat. But values and religion plays a important part of who you are. youve met this amazing girl but you cant get over that shes not religious. Break it off. Set her free to find an amazing man
And continue to follow your path and choose women exclusively from your background. Look at it this way, would life in 40 years be more fulfilling with a beautiful open minded woman who does not share your religion but loves making you happy OR would life be more happy with a very pious religious woman who loves god the way you do but you may not have such strong emotional for? Religious similarity DOES NOT equate emotional compability or chemistry!!! BUT those from similar backgrounds who raise their kids in same faith do report having fullfilling community/religion/cultural life but low sexual/emotional connection in their personal life.
The pros and cons are all there. Look deep inside and make the right decision. Just make sure to let her go kindly and with respect so she can find someone wonderful. Religious differences does not mean you cant treat others with kindness and regard. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2018): This site does not proselytize or endorse religion in anyway. That's how we avoid stepping on toes and causing in-fighting or inviting commentary from people who publicize their insensitivity, prejudices, or disrespect for those who have spiritual-beliefs, or those who don't.
Even veiled and passive-aggressive commentary on the subject is out of line.
Make your choice based on your faith and conviction to your spiritual-beliefs. What rule or doctrine would be broken to satisfy a worldly-need, lust, or desire?
She may not be as flexible later as you may assume her to be now. She may become even more devoted to her spiritual-beliefs with time. She has that right and freedom. You have no right to set any boundaries in that area. Your final and resolute decision about that comes now. Not after marriage.
In all forms of spiritual-belief, there is a goal of spiritual-maturity; and an obedient adherence to what is required as proof of your conviction and faith. At some point in your spiritual-life; your devotion is proven by your commitment to your belief. In my faith, the God I know is a jealous God; and He will not yield to things or others put before Him. He's pretty set and inflexible about that. I can choose any god I want; but then, that's considered a sin. So my life-choices revolves around this. Willingly!
When dating or outside of marriage; we tend to be a lot more "open-minded." We can date people we wouldn't marry.
Choosing a spouse requires more adherence to set-criteria for the sake of compatibility. Moral-values according to the doctrines of faith of any kind are quite strict; and we are conditioned to accept and practice them. Such customs or traditions are passed down through generations.
To consider your mate's values and beliefs based on ignorance, and to assume she is not purpose-driven; or doesn't open her mind to be enlightened, might say you've drawn the line right there. I wouldn't marry someone who thought that way about me.
She has equal-rights within a marriage. Being the mother of your offspring, she may feel compelled to pass on her choices and values to her children through love. To oppose or restrict her from following her own system of beliefs, even within her own marriage and family, would be no less than religious oppression.
To enter marriage while maintaining a stance or intent to cancel-out anyone's beliefs contrary to your own; is more than enough reason that you shouldn't enter a marriage in the first place. You don't get to cherry-pick what you like about her; then decide what you can't live with after you've made your vows.
Then it comes down to, who do you put first in your life? If you believe in monotheism (the doctrine or belief in one God) most doctrines under this belief insists on obedience. So do you live in conflict with her beliefs and/or in conflict to your own? Then what a mess it would be for the children? Father believes this, but mother believes that; but will either disapprove of me, if I don't choose their side?
Can you really be that impartial? Your post doesn't say that to me.
Make a choice only if everyone is happy and free. You can just as easily find someone who not only has all her good traits and attributes; but also shares your faith and spiritual-beliefs. Which you both can pass on to your children, with no worries or conflict. Leaving your children the freedom to make their own choices; but having some sort of a common or definitive foundation they can build upon.
When someone is a girlfriend or boyfriend; you can twist or bend your values to be flexible. That's being single. To make someone a spouse; you must be harmonious and compatible on every level, That is because the institution of marriage is built on permanency, mutuality, trust, staying faithful, and eternal-commitment. Promised and affirmed through marital-vows said to each other before witnesses.
Vows according to some beliefs are made based on a promise with God as a witness. Assuring you will share EVERYTHING! There are also ceremonies that leave-out any faith-based affiliation. You can't proceed through a marriage without compromise. Be reminded, religious-faith is designed to be woven into everything you do. How do you avoid conflict?
Not that you are not allowed to have your own seperate opinions or cannot disagree; but the foundation of your union is shared values and beliefs. Two things that define who we are. If they don't blend or compromise; that's built-in conflict, and leads to incompatibility down the road.
To say she is not purpose-driven, doesn't practice self-education, and to assume what she says is not fact based; you have already shut the door to comprise.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2018):
 You can't live you life "in theory". You have to live in the reality you are part of. That is why I suggest the topic of a child. Because I can tell you that two people from VERY different background can get along and do well UNTIL they have kids or until they find out that something you just CAN NOT compromise on.
Is there enough to work with here? (on the pro-side) That is what YOU have to figure out.
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A
male
reader, Moodygoat +, writes (3 February 2018):
Moodygoat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie - I suppose in theory we would find a way to bring the child up with both of our views, but I don't think to raise the child to follow two religions is a great idea. My intention is never to change her or for her to change me but a relationship is about developing together and if your partner already brings negative connotations (that are not inaccurate) about your faith to the relationship, then it makes it that bit harder. This what I am referring to when I say she says things not based on facts but what shes heard through the grapevine.
jls022 - thanks for your input. The list was a practical way of looking at what i value in her.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 February 2018):
Regardless of the faith issue, which I completely agree with Honeypie on, I think if my partner had a ‘cons’ list like that about me I’d prefer he ended the relationship. Ignorant and uneducated are not terms you should use about the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with in my opinion.
Also, you say you deal in facts and she doesn’t, yet you are the one that has a stronger faith in something that cannot be proved definitively. Just something to think about...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2018):
Ask yourself this (and maybe her), WHAT would happen if you two had a child together?
How would you two raise it? Or want to raise it?
Can you two find harmony in your different cultures and belief systems or not?
I think for most people where faith, religion and culture are a BIG part of WHO they are - the BEST partner to can have is someone who has the SAME core values.
Personally, I could NOT be with someone who is "too" deeply religious. I have friends who are Southern Baptists and I love them dearly but part of their faith is something I could not live with, and both be honest and BE me.
You can understand her faith and beliefs on an intellectual level but that doesn't mean that TOGETHER you two can make things work long term.
So think about it, ADD a child to the mix (not a real one OK?!) but hypothetically. Could you two raise said child in harmony? Could you accept HER world view being part of the child's upbringing? Could she accept YOURS?
The con list you have for her is quite severe. And I think you HAVE to realize and accept that she will NOT change who she is. Not for you. Because THIS is who she is. JUST like you won't change for her. Because that is not who YOU are. Reading up on her faith doesn't mean you truly understand it.
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