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female
age
36-40,
*HOKOLATEDIP85
writes: Ive been with this guy, for about a year and 5months.recently someone said that they saw him with someone else. so a couple of weeks ago i kinda watched outside his house to try and catch him in the act. he said i was crazy and we should slow things down, now we talk maybe twice a week,have sex maybe once. should i leave this relationship or try to trust him?. Oh and from the beginning I was accusing him of cheating. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): Sorry, question asker, I made an error.
When I said "
All I can say, a relationship is unhappy and hellish when you can trust your beloved."
I meant to state "All I can say, a relationship is unhappy and hellish when you can't trust your beloved."
Take care
Irish xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): You don't tell us he has mistreated you, dear and that is unfair to him, for us to make that assumption. You said, "from the beginning, I was accusing him of cheating" Before you were told he was seen with someone else, did he, in this past one year and 5 months, do anything else to make you question his fidelity? You need to tell us. Because in my way of thinking, when a person accuses another of cheating, right out of the starting gate of a new, vibrant, love relationship like you did, it's likely 'you' had trust issues to begin with. In most cases, in a fresh, new relationship a couple falling in love, experience newness, joy and build some meaning to each other. Quite often, cheating behaviours don't show up until later on, giving one of the people involved (in this case you) a 'reason' to mistrust. Perhaps to better help you, you can tell us why you couldn't trust him, in the beginning. I ask this because I just want you to be aware of how one's negative feelings and/ or baggage from prior situations in life, can haunt one's thoughts and psyche and is carried into seemingly innocent future relationships. If he did do something to make you mis trust him or if he mistreated you, in the beginning of this relationship, then you ignored a huge, big red flag, didn't you? Dating is a way of discerning who is good for our life. Always discriminate a loved one's behaviours, in the beginning..take it slow and build from there. Never stay in a man's life, if you don't 'trust' him, dear. We all have humps in life to get over and no matter where the pain comes from, we must always be strong and think with our heads, instead of the heart...before committing and diving headlong into a love relationship where trust has not been established. Trust is foundational. Now you ask-do you learn to trust him or do you leave? No one can answer that. All I can say, a relationship is unhappy and hellish when you can trust your beloved. If I couldn't trust my guy, I know I wouldn't stick around. You have some thinking to do and my heart is with you on this, hun. Good luck and be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): There might be reasons that you don't turst this guy, like is he not very nice to you, cut you down alot or do you feel you don't have a very close connection with him? To me it sounds like the two of you are not compatible, and perhaps you will be different with someone you have a stonger liking for....if you have not had these trust issues with past relationships, then it is not all YOU and him calling you crazy is a way to deflect the problems back on you and to not talk to you about your feelings, it is not helpful that he does that, and in my opinion I would not want to be with a guy that did not love me completely and want to talk to me about my hurt feelings, but going and spying on him is over the top and kind of very immature, so he was probably mad at the time...but if he continues to treat you badly over it, he is not the one for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): You are a woman who cannot trust. That is plain to see and his distancing from you and calling you crazy, is the beginning of the end here. This problem stems from you and I suggest you either 'fix it' or cut him loose. When someone like yourself, behaves in this way right from the start, it means you are filled with fear-thus all the insecurities. This is not healthy, hun. Sadly, this behavior is harming your relationship and if you don't deal with it-it will continue to always haunt you in the future. Sit down with your bf and calmly explain to him, directly about your fears and concerns. From there ask him if he'll agree to go to couple counselling sessions with you. You both need to sit down with a good counselor and find out how he and you both can work together as a couple to help you work out these issues of trust. It will take some work and huge efforts on your part, but you really, really need to get good, solid support and advice from this counsellor on how to deal with your fears. I wish you well in this...take care, hun and good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): Well you must have your reasons to suspect him of cheating. My advice to you, is that if this relationship is making you feel this way then it's best to let go. You need to find someone you can trust completely and not make you feel so insecure.
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