A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was in an abusive relationship with this guy during my last year of high school and first year of college. At the time, I was madly in love with him, despite my suspicions that he was unfaithful (to add to the regular physical/verbal abuse). I totally fell into his charming ways as many abusive guys tend to be... incredibly charming and manipulative. He seemed to adore all my friends and family and used to do all these showy things for them: cooking, buying them things, etc. The thing is, it wasn't him buying these things... IT WAS ME! He had a pretty bad family situation and used that as leverage to extort money from me at every possible corner... at the end of the almost-2-year-long relationship, his official, provable bill was up to just over 2 grand.He resented me for deciding to go to college 3 hours away (he had no desire to, in fact, called me names and abused me for my decision to).. I knew in the back of my mind that he was not my ticket to eternal happiness, but I stayed with him anyway. But, a month before I moved into college, he raped me in the middle of the night, waking me up in the process. I tried to push him off, but by the time I realized what was going on, he was already inside and was much stronger than me. My memory of this is very fuzzy... I only remember the actual penetration and wanting to scream but couldn't. This was at his parents' house, and they didn't like me. I could have easily screamed and gotten their attention but I didn't because, at the time, I thought they would have blamed me (they saw him hit me in the past and said I shouldn't have "talked back to him" and thus I deserved what I got). Deep down, I thought I deserved all of this.After this, I stayed with him for almost a whole year. He apologized over and over, bought me all sorts of nice things (where he got the money from, I'll never know), proposed to me, etc. etc. I was stupid enough to stay. What was the last nail in the coffin was when a couple of the girls who he had cheated on me with confessed to me. Through the help of some friends and a rebound, I built up the courage to leave.Now, here's the problem, and I can't seem to relate to anyone on it. Most people seem to clam up and develop trust issues and hardly want to be in contact with other men sexually: I have been the opposite for the past 7 years. I've jumped from relationship to relationship... I think I've developed a dependency on intimacy that's too difficult to break. I've not gone a full year being single... my longest span has been about 6-7 months and I was with about 5 sexual partners during that time to make up for it.This abusive guy took my virginity. The worst part of it (the rape) crosses my mind every day and has all this time. Around the anniversary of it happening, I get recurring nightmares of a man being on top of me and raping me. I'm much more prone to bursting out in tears around this time of year. I get incredibly irritable and difficult to communicate with. I find counseling difficult and frustrating because I can't seem to find the right one.I'm not sure what I should do at this point. It's been 7 whole years, and I'm still feeling this way. I still feel like I deserved what I got, although my brain tells me the opposite, and it affects every aspect of my life. Since then, I've finished college and completed a Masters and done a lot of traveling, so my brain knows I'm capable of some things but I just genuinely don't feel like I'm good for anything. Any suggestions, please?
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anniversary, cheated on me, money, moved in, no desire Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): you need to forget about the past and move on into your future. you sound like a very smart girl and you need to use that smartness. i know its hard to forget about how you got raped, but go see a theripist and maybe he can help you. and anyone who does those things to you, don't deserve to be with you at all.
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